Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Golfing Gangstas

After a hate crime in East Belfast in which 3 people were attacked by a group of 15 armed with golf clubs there has been a call to clamp doon on the lack of restrictions in owning golf clubs.

The current law in the UK says that anyone, even under 18's can walk in off the street and purchase a putter or a driver without having to show any identification . No background checks either which means that any criminal or politician can and often do buy whole sets of clubs.


I call on the government to change the law on golf clubs, also the laws on owning hammers as they have often been used in violent crimes too . We need background checks and registration with these dangerous weapons.

Maybe some form for facial branding for golfers, rapists and pedos. In Northern Ireland you can't carry a penknife in yer pocket but a golf club is fine?

We need to put an end to these golfing gangs, what's next angry lawn bowlers?   

Christians Do Love To Brag

David Cameron the fat headed baby man looks like MODOK.

David Cameron the Prime Minister of the UK said that Britain is a Christian nation and should be confident in showing it. 
Cameron is going by the 2011 census that has 59% of people from England and Wales describing themselves as Christian.... worried for yer children yet? 

So Cameron is not only excluding and belittling those of other or no religion but those in Scotland and Northern Ireland too, what, don't our figures count? 

50 people who think they have some clout including authors, journalists and TV presenters .... oh and a philosopher whatever the fuck that is signed an open letter in the Daily Telegraph stating that Britain is too diverse to be called Christian and even if it was it wasn't cool to be going around saying it like a fat headed baby man. 

Citing a YouGov poll, human rights campaigner Peter Tatchell said that 65% of people questioned described themselves as "not religious", while 29% were from various faiths. 


Considering there was a drop in 4 million from the 2001 census saying they were Christian, Old Knudsen doesn't believe 59%, even if it were true you might just as well call them cunts as real Christians who follow the teachings of Christ rather than just wear a cross and looking doon on people are few and far between.     

Fuck off Cameron, yer views are elitist and out of date. Yes the UK does have the church of England as it's state sanctioned religion but that is so Henry VIII. Live up to the alleged values of Christianity instead of lying and scheming yer way around the world. 
 
 David Cameron at the U.N.

Being Christian, being white and being English doesn't make you better than everyone else and you don't have to assert it or push it in anyone's face like a tiny flaccid penis, if you were a real Christian people would know it by yer acts and how you live.  





Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Looking Good For The Nieghbours

No postcode envy. 

Due to the recession and the inability of people in town councils to accept the change that the 21st century brings, town centres are becoming boarded up, empty eyesores. You'd think that to encourage retail to the area the councils would think of things like lowering the excessive rent and rates they charge and maybe provide free nearby parking but no, you don't get a council job by qualifications and experience, people vote instead ..... weird, and they expect things to go well?    

Fake shop front in England.

What can we do? Councils think that putting stickers or painted panels over the rotting boards and peeling paint it will cheer things up. The old bat in the picture doesn't look very cheerful. 


When the world leaders of the G-8 came to Northern Ireland the councils didn't want their towns to look like run doon shit holes because people would actually be going there for once. Quick, put up stickers so Obama won't notice as he speeds through in his armoured car named 'The beast.'  Um Obama has a helicopter thanks to little things like terrorism, he only glimpsed the new road that was hastily built over the ancient Crannog site. Fuck archeology, dig it and get out Obama is coming.... you've made amazing discoveries? what don't you understand about getting out?   


The town centre is dead, let it go. People want choice, better prices and not having to go to 3 different shops in the rain to get what they want. The Interweb means you can shop and price match from home. The large chain stores maybe ugly and soulless (like yon ginger child) but they have all yer needs under one roof. 
Supporting local businesses? if those businesses try to gouge me on price and carry fuck all then no. Find someone else to put yer kid through college. In the US the tax from sales actually goes to the areas, our tax goes to David Cameron's fat Christian baby man head.  

What to do with the empty shops? Many were homes originally, instead of spending £200.000 on stickers, spend a third of that making them homes again, there is a housing shortage ya know.   

So sorry about yer childhood memories of running to Bobby Spooner's shop for a penny mix of candy but no one cares nor do they want yer smartphone-less childhood replicated for them. 


£8 million has been spent on these fake shop fronts, the world is turning into an open world video game in which you can't enter most of the buildings. 

 Local artists are far less expensive, here is our version of Banksy. 


Now councils fear the intrusion of more outsiders, we can't just burn them like in the old days (1970's) and we can't threaten them (last week) so it looks like another million or 8 will be spent covering up our shame, incompetence and apathy. 

 
The bicycle race  Giro D'Italia will be held here this year so derelict buildings along the route will be hidden with these ultra realistic covers. 
The race is such a big deal that a British racer who won 5 stages of the race last year won't be taking part as he wants to get ready for the Tour de France instead.

It's understandable, if you had to chose to pedal yer bike in Belfast or in places like Turkey, Callyfornia and Switzerland instead, what would you pick? 

So Northern Ireland rushes to cover it's rotting underbelly with sticking plasters in case the world sees. Would it not be better to knock that shite doon, we need parking space, not drinking dens.
  

 

Monday, 21 April 2014

Lions Eat English Family At Safari Park

At Longleat Safari Park in England, a mother and her two children were driving through the lion's enclosure when their car when on fire. As the three ran towards the rangers who were 100 yards away the pride of lions chased and ripped all three of them apart.

Well the bit about them being ripped apart may be a little bit of an exaggeration, it was close, the lions looked in their direction from a distance and yawned.

The Rangers told them to stay in the burning car until they got to them, away an fuck Old Knudsen would say, do I look like Paul Walker?

  Is that cunt mocking me?  ..... Paul Walker (changed his name from Driver) was hot!   

Then Old Knudsen would grab the little penknife attached to his keys and go hunt him some lion.

The mother, Helen Clements later joked that of all the places it had to happen, it happened in the lion enclosure. 
In the big world it's called Murphy's law, in the UK it sometimes goes by the name Sod's law cos we don't want to offend the Irish you see. 
The English love the Irish, in WWI they gave the Irish regiments the honour of going first, probably to give them the best chance of becoming heroes and cos the Irish are always drunk you don't want to be tripping over the bodies of the previous lot....  404 Royal Irish Cannon fodder regiment, lest we forget.    

If anything can go wrong then it will. 

Sod's law happens all the time, it's fate's way of mocking you. The God's get bored like anyone else. If you dream about the lovely steak at a restaurant and then you go to find out their delivery didn't have steak on it so you have to eat something you weren't in the mood for cos the place is out of the way ...  YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB! 

If you work in a shop, as soon as you try to clean the floor people will come in. 

If yer waiting on a bus that's late and you light a cigarette the bus will cum.  

If yer cock falls out of yer troosers it's bound to happen when you pass a school at getting out time, well that's what I told the judge and I still stand by it. 

That time when yer parts are manky cos you've been molesting sheep all week, some hot chick will want to blow you.... Fuck my life! 

It then goes into the world of science. A cat will 99.9 times land on it's feet if you kick it across the room or drop it from a great height. You can try this for yerself though the great height one may kill them, look first where it's feet are before you shovel it up. 

A piece of buttered toast if fallen will not land on the cat's feet but will more likely land on the buttered side. If you own pets it will also land on a clump of animal hair. 

So if you attach a piece of buttered toast to yer cat and drop it from a great height the chances are that you may have too much time on yer hands and are not responsible enough to own pets. Please do not breed. 

As if Old Knudsen doesn't get enough thrown at him from upstairs windows but who doesn't like getting pussy thrown at them? ....  well gheys maybe but they are just so ghey.

 Real men and obvious pussy lovers.

We are not meant to understand why shit happens ..... it's magic. Like the expression "Speak of the Devil, and he will appear." is based on the magical ability to summon spirits. You have to know the true name which is why the Devil (what devil, dirt devil?) has so many nick-names .... like um, Old Nick. 
Nothing to do with Old Nick or Mr Scratch but still, it's a good story if you fall for it. 

Native weemen of Africa and southern Ireland will call to their children to cum in for dinner or something by using nicknames in case any spirits hear their real name. 

Aye it's Sod's law that if you say, "I haven't seen Cuntface recently" that Cuntface will turn up the next day ..... and that shit is magical.  

And no Alanis Morissette it isn't ironic, yer face is ironic!  

"Magic's just science that we don't understand yet." ~ Arthur C Clarke


"Magic's just science that we don't understand yet and never will if we get eaten by lions" ~ Old Knudsen. 

Sunday, 20 April 2014

Like Bunnies I Tells Ya

While you tell the kids that Easter is about Jesus and how if they don't do as you tell them with yer wee secrets they'll burn in Hell ... Old Knudsen is here to remind you that yer wrong.

Leave the kids alone you religious fucks and have some adult time, what is it with the followers of yon God that makes you do shit to kids, oppress weemen and bash gheys?

Islam, Judaism and Christianity have made it their business to keep the woman doon, maybe diddling the kids is a part of that.

Turn ye away from yer sinful life and return to the old ways of nature. You may live in a concrete box but nature is within and all around you, embrace it ya fuck wad.   

Eat an apple if you want, ain't no one gonna say that an apple or that piece of cheesecake will cause you to damn all of humanity.

What kind of freaky control shit do they have going on .... worse than the Scientologists.

I don't understand all that you've been sinned, no wait someone got tortured for yer sins, ach it all sounds fucked up.

It's Easter, a time of fertility and re-birth so get together with some like minded adults and get some sex magic going on. Fuck for a brighter future.


Don't listen to the false prophets and two faced shites, they'll get theirs.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

25 Reasons Why Northern Ireland Is The Best Place In The World To Live

Couldn't think of one reason at all since this is a woman hating, ghey bashing, touchy, paranoid as fuck, man-child enabling, primitive, tag-nut on the arse of Britain so here are just a few odd things about Northern Ireland and the behaviour of it's people.    


When the sun comes out so do the young and almost attractive people, you may even see a smile or two as they sit on some grass.


The only other time that people smile is when drunk but that doesn't last too long as the compulsory fight has to take place ..... You lookin at me? you got a problem?

If the sun comes out and the temperature gets above ball freezing you're bound to see some skinny white legs in shorts, flip flops too if yer lucky.

Someone is bound to spoil things with taps aff! There is a reason that Northern Ireland people should  stay covered up. 

If the sun breaks cloud cover for more than 12 seconds then this happens. In a cuntry full of pasty white people do you know how hard it is to get sun block with a decent sun protection factor? ... the answer is very, however there are tons of oils to help you cook and age yer skin.... as if the drinking, smoking and not smiling hasn't aged you enough. 

 This lass is only in her 20's.

When the sun comes out you'll see all the middle aged and older men in their convertibles. I wondered why they bought those rather than a solid roof that kept out the cold and the rain, just so their thinning hair can blow in the breeze for 25 minutes a year.  No we aren't looking at you, we're shielding our eyes as the sun bounces off yer shiny domes.


When the sun comes out, drivers go crazy .... it's a lovely sunny day, what cars? I see no other cars.

 
On the flip side, if it snows half an inch the whole cuntry goes into lockown and panics.... Armageddon!!!!  

Builders who have done fuck all throughout the rest of the year decide to do all the building during the winter.
We're going to replace yer heating system and double glaze yer windows, after they dismantle everything they have to go home because it's too cold to work .... who could have foreseen that? We'll have you fixed by Wednesday ..... they never tell you what Wednesday. 


When the snow or hint of snow happens, those (probably the convertible dudes) all seem to have rugged trucks to get their shopping in with..... how big are their fucking garages to have a vehicle for each season?


The two main conversations yer bound to overhear are people discussing just how incapacitated thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol imbibed they had become and what a great hangover they had the next day, oh and of course the weather. There is a very valid reason the Aussies call the British whinging poms.  Wah wah wah, it rained today and wah wah wah it might rain later.

Someone is always watching you, not because of some sexy time attraction but to figure out who and what you are or if you are looking at them. Think of a cuntry full of mouthy Jason Bournes but without the deadly skills.

 
She misses nothing but if she sees a crime she'll never call the peelers .... because.


 

The police are nothing more than mall cops. Arm yerself for fucks sake. Car-jacking is big in the news right now. How shocked the people are that this is happening, yep no one ever taught them to lock their doors when in their cars and it never occurred to them to do so, "blessed be the simple folk for they shall be my food during the Zombie Apocalypse" ~ Jesus.  


If you ever need to put someone in their place here and make them feel the shame for mentioning the myriad of faults Northern Ireland has you will be told, "People in Africa would love it" aye they'd love to have someone talk doon to them and give them poor customer service, who wouldn't love that?
Well give it to them. You do know that those fuckers in Africa can actually tie shoe laces and send you spamming e-mails asking for money from their smart phones, some can mimic being almost human looking at times. They aren't all cutting up albino people for witchcraft purposes.


On the plus side some of Game of Thrones does get filmed here, I can tell you where yer man got his dick cut off and where King Joffrey died from drinking an 'off' pint of beer. Of course it doesn't look like Northern Ireland on screen, haven't seen any paramilitary murals yet.  




Friday, 18 April 2014

Game Of Dicks

The king is dead, long live the ..... Queen regent who shags her one handed brother, why did Old Knudsen never have a sister like that?

Who killed King Joffrey?  Yon cool midget dude?  Henry the mild mannered janitor? .......... could be.

I think the main suspect is the knight turned fool, Dontos Hollard as played by Tom Hardy. What do you mean you didn't recognize him in Game of Thrones?


That's because Hardy stopped dieting and working out then got pummeled by a cage fighter in order to submerse himself into the role. He also calls himself Tony Way but I don't think he's fooling anyone. 

They kill off the Starks and now Joffrey, you'd think this was real medieval history the way they are doing things.
We need more happy endings in Game of thrones, naked hot chick/midget sex happy endings.


Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Easter Week

Sure I've watched the TV show Vikings and Game of thrones, both seem kinda blah right now. Vikings is a Canadian/Irish TV show that gives clueless people their dose of history .... except it isn't history, it's Bible history. Throw in some real names of people and places in history and make up the rest. Vikings is Game of Thrones without the midget sex.

Who gives a fuck? The show does point out the similarities between Christianity and the Pagan religion (which isn't it's name as it was given that name by Christians) it was usually referred to as the Old custom if anything.

This is my obligatory stop stealing our shit post.

Many Christians don't see Easter as being about Jesus or Sherlock or whoever, it's when you buy chocolate rabbits for some reason, hey it's what everyone does so just play along ..... The ghost of Hitler likes that you don't think too much and just join in with the crowds.

Easter is a celebration of the spring equinox and the date is set by the moon, not very Christian huh?

      Durty fuckin hippies!

Christians go on about the death of the son but really it's the sun and the cross he died on is the southern cross star constellation. You have to understand the Pagan mind set, they were very reliant on the sun and good weather or they didn't eat. The sun and the spring ends the dark scary days of winter, now they can grow things and stock gets replenished.  The more spare time they got as growing technology increases and social order gets more structured then they get stuck into the spiritual good and evil thing. 

Too much time on their hands. 

Just like with the god Conan the barbarian (who was well hung) there is a lot of mythological hanging.  The Sumarian Goddess Inanna or Ishtar was hanged from a stake, Odin hanged from a tree and of course Jesus H Christ, though the cross is far older than Christianity .... doesn't it make you wonder why Christians adopt a symbol of torture and wear it around their necks? .... because they are cunts! no no I mean because they like to be reminded of people being tortured, that's not cuntish is it? 

Hot cross buns aren't a Christian concept either, Christians don't really tend to have imaginations. 

The cross used to be a T as it represented Tammuz the the Sumerian solar god was crucified and also represented the latter Roman god Mithras and the Greek Attis and other Teutonic gods. Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead and the underworld holds a cross to represent the end of yer life, like a grim reaper but with lots of eye makeup. 
Thomas Paine wrote in a 'pamphlet' (Ye olden day blogs) The age of reason in 1794, "The Christian religion is a parody on the worship of the Sun, in which they put a man whom they call Christ, in the place of the Sun, and pay him the same adoration which was originally paid to the Sun."

Aye what he said.  


Easter which is a corruption of the German Goddess Eostre or Ostara does of course go back a lot further. Linguistically she such cognates as Ishtar and Astarte and can be traced to a Proto-Indo-European goddess of the dawn Ausos and a bunch of others that have to do with love, war, fertility and light. 

It can all be traced back linguistically, as speech and language evolves and changes but the root is still there. Things don't just pop up from no where, who knows which came first, the rabbit or the egg? 

Whoever on the Interweb said that Loki is similar to the Spanish word 'Loco' meaning Crazy, please slap yerself. Loki is not a Latin based name you twat.  

Scientists have only just figured out that the big bang didn't just happen, there was a universe before that. 



If this is true then did people not question why Christians were using  Pagan symbols like crosses and passing off Pagan Celebrations as things that Jesus had done? 

Of course they did. The Greek philosopher, Celsus who lived in the 2nd century called bullshit on the whole thing but he was happy enough if the then Christians behaved like good people .... so much for Christian persecution. 

From the time of St Justin in the 2nd century the church leaders decided that anything that predated Jesus which was all the mythology used for the creation of Jesus, the temples and the hundreds of years of worship to other gods was obviously made up by the Devil ..... seriously that is all they could think of. 

I never want to hear a Christian slag off a Creationist Christian ever! .... yer just as dumb.
 
    
Yes eggs represent birth and rebirth, rabbits are fertile wee fuckers and the gods are created by man.
  
Now before you go crying that everything you've based yer life on is a lie and how can you be so stupid? ..... I don't know how you can be so stupid so don't ask me.


Remember that it's not about stories of super beings like Thor, Superman or Jesus, it's about you and yer relationship with nature and the universe. The 'my imaginary friend can beat yers up'  idea is just so primate and born out of fear and paranoia. 

Yes there has been gods since the dawn of man ... maybe before that. Just because many Pagans were put to the sword in the name of the new god doesn't make it the best one. 

Yer human brain is too small to think about the vastness of the universe and yer connection to it. You sit there wishing this post would end with a pile of neglected dishes that need done and you don't feel very connected at all ... unless it's Wi -fi.


These gods and goddesses are merely a way for us to relate to the universe, we invoke those gods who we think can look after us the best. We bug them with our silly concerns and still continue to pray to them no matter how many times they let you doon.   Why should they listen, why should they care? 
Lets sacrifice a goat to the gods .... the gods say, "oh great another goat, just what I wanted."

What we are really praying to isn't blokes with beards and tridents or chicks who claim not to know how they got pregnant cos all they've done is anal and it's not like spunk can drip into yer vadge ...is it? 

We are praying to ourselves because we are all divine. All of us are made from stardust we are already connected as we are to our ancestors who we share DNA with. The whole point was to wake up yer inner god, the one bogged doon by worry over the bills or yer child's future, that is who you are praying to and you don't even know it. 

Many people deny the gods or deny certain gods ... would an open mind harm you any? 

It does annoy Old Knudsen when religion and the history of gets, not presented as fact but you just know that some stupid cunt out there is going to believe it.

The Devil is in the details .... ignore it all because we don't know and can't be sure of anything.    


Except that yer a cunt.