Monday, 24 November 2014

Scientists To Probe New Assteroid

Scientists are hoping to land a probe on the giant asteroid 69K/Chekhov-Gryziński. Much in the same way the Rosetta lander did but without ugly ass shirts and with more grappling hooks due to the greasy nature of the asteroid's surface.  

Project scientist Matt Tyler said, "We'll land the Black Mamba lander on the surface of
Gryziński and we'll dig in, yes we'll totally tap that asteroid."

Scientists are hoping that the information sent back will prove how much of the asteroid is made up of photoshop and wet dreams. 


Bono Avoids Death

A lot of people weren't happy about getting the U2 LP "Songs of Innocence” gifted into their iTunes music library whether they wanted it or not and so may or may not have hired Old Knudsen to assassinate Bono. 

Yes thousands of people texted £3 to have him killed. Just text KILLBONO to 85444 and see that just £3 can make a difference in someone's life .... probably his. And his wife's life when I give her a shoulder to cry on.

So off to Dublin where I learned my lesson, never buy explosives from the IRA. Oh yeah my man is Libyan trained he knows bombs. I should have known better when he went to shake my hand and he only had 2 fingers left. No wonder they lost against the Brits. 

So you may have heard that the luggage door of Bono's Lear jet blew off mid flight on the way to Berlin, all his clothes went. If you see some French twat in short leather troosers and sunglasses you'll know where he got them.

Don't worry Bono made it safely to Germany. 

Before I knew it he was off to New York so I had to get a move on. When I got to New York I hit all of their stupid nanny state laws and so I had to go all the way to New Jersey to the North Bergen Walmart Supercenter to buy a sniper rifle. You can't just go in and buy one that would be crazy, I had to wait at least 20 minutes for them to get one from the back. 

I hired some sources on the street to inform me of Bono's where abouts. I then assumed a position over looking Central park, I always take the moral high ground ....  or grassy knoll. 

My source on the ground, a young lass out to prove herself shouted something about him being too old to cycle which got his back up. Bono and the gurl were tearing through Central park, she manipulated the route so he'd be right in my cross hairs, after some high energy bicycle racing he declared himself the winner and that is when I took my shot, right into a nearby tree.

I must add that ever since me right eye hung out of it's socket for an hour during the Battle of Balaclava against the Russians a few years back I've been having trouble with blurry vision, maybe I should have gone hand to hand in a dark alleyway with Bono, for some reason he is always going doon dark alleyways. 

Lucky the young gurl was a sore loser and rammed Bono from behind ... I bet that isn't the first time he's been rammed from behind.    

Bono fell off his bicycle and landed right on his ego breaking his left arm in 6 places, breaking his shoulder blade into three, breaking his left eye socket and fracturing 4 bones in his penis, he also heard someone laugh which hurt his feelings in 4 places. 

He has had to have 3 metal plates, a hinge, a brass nameplate and 18 screws installed, also his nose tapered, his eyelids lifted and some hair plugs put in.   

 I just heard of a new tax dodging scheme, you'll save millions, I'll tell you later.

Luckily Bono had already recorded his squealing for the new release of the old Bandaid song Do they know it's deadly, proceeds going to help the starving people of Ebola.     

If Bono had not been able to record it then Geldof would have said some snarky passive aggressive comment about him like he did with Adele who was busy doing other things to drop everything for Sir Bob. 

While recuperating in hospital Bono thanked Jimmy Fallon for understanding why he couldn't make it to his show and he also said, "To the little shite on the trike, you've messed with the wrong man, I'm Bono the greatest person alive since Jesus, I will find you and fuck you up."    

So Old Knudsen is a little rusty and Bono is still alive, this story is not an admission of guilt as the prescription drugs I take for me Alzheimer's, depression, dodgy knee and hemorrhoids clears me of all wrong doing according to my lawyer and he's Jewish so he knows all the loopholes. 

The wee Irish man has suffered, sure after yon Bloody Sunday song he totally deserves it so I'm keeping all the money.  Until my next job I suppose I'll just have to practice on normal less famous people. 

Speaking of which, for just £3 you can pay for water purifying packets for the people of Ebola .... or you can get rid of Kayne West, yer choice. 


Sunday, 23 November 2014

The Plague Infested Lemurs Of Madagascar

You may have thought that with Old Knudsen changing his medication that he gave up his fight against the oncoming lemur invasion. He has merely been laying low but still contacting the relevant authorities on their evil lemur activities.

On the lemurian homeland of  Madagascar the furry wee fuckers have been busy working on biological agents to rid the planet of this human infestation .... their words, not mine.

In the secret labs in the city of Antananarivo, lemur/human hybrids work under the supervision of one of the Overlords to find new and exciting strains of disease in which to infect humans with.

Fruit bats infected with Ebola were released from here at the end of last year with orders to infect the local food chain known as bush meat .... we'd call them monkeys. Lemurs despise monkeys in much of the way an English person would hate an Irish person and so do not care about monkey deaths or using them as Ebola fodder.

Mouth watering, don't you just want to stick a pin in that?

The lemurs have broken out an oldie but goodie. Forty people have died so far from bubonic plague in Madagascar with at least 80 others infected. Plague maybe a classic but compared to Ebola it's just a sniffle. It is thought that many modern Europeans whose ancestors survived the plague back in ye olden times may have a natural immunity for it today.

Old Knudsen catches many a plague or crotch rot just so future generations may be rewarded. Nothing to do with me sex addiction, I'm being altruistic .... yer welcome. 

Look at how those bulging eyes burn into yer soul judging you with their scorn.

If diagnosed early, bubonic plague can be treated with antibiotics but how long will it be before they create an antibiotic resistant strain? The level of rats in Madagascar combined with the high population density of the cities make the perfect storm for a flea infested rat epidemic to occur. The pneumonic form of the disease is the most dangerous one with 2% of the cases having it, that means it can be spread via cough. 

The rat infested prisons are a major worry for the World Health Organisation, the prisoners don't like it much either.  

Lemurs have infiltrated all levels of society, even the lowest.

The lemurs do indeed have a rat breeding program going on along with their fruit bat and bird programs. Lemurs are the real danger not Al Qaeda,  Al-Shabab, Boko Harem or ISIS and are at the moment planning to carry out attacks on US soil and probably other surfaces such as asphalt and concrete. 
Are all yer US drones tied up in Afghanistan or can ya spare a few for Madagascar? 

US troops are hoping to be doon to 9,800 by the end of this year in Ganners and were to be only used to advise and train, now they'll be allowed to fight again so not really getting withdrawn from there, yes Obama is a lemur.   

Some may say that Old Knudsen is insane and he'll say WHO THE HELL GAVE YOU A FUCKING PH FUCKING D IN PSYCHOLOGY? Or he may just brand you an agent for disinformation. 

Willie Frazer has never responded to Old Knudsen's accusations of being a lemur hybrid.

Not to sound paranoid but lemurs are everywhere and are always watching us. Do you know someone of limited mental capacity who seems just a tad creepy? probably a lemur hybrid. Sometimes they  slip up and forget to use the membrane that makes their eyes look human and then there is the smell, like cat pee and pine. They cover it up with lots and lots of perfume or deodorant.

Those smelly old people in yer way in the grocery store .... lemur/hybrids, it makes their day if they piss off a human, it's what they were made to do.

They play a dangerous game of provoking, inciting and instigating events that can only be described as farcical. Their limited IQ means that they have no higher reasoning abilities and see things in black and white ..... it's their fault, I'm innocent, it's not fair!  

Ever just see someone and think, if there is a god then why the fuck would he waste the gift of life on a total wank stain like that?   

Lemurs are out there, lemurs are real and lemurs know where you sleep at night.

The Sexy Sunday Battle

And don't forget the never ending war against pedophilia and the objectification of weemen. It is my hope that pedos will stop being sick fuckers and get turned on by adults and that those who see weemen as mere sex and sandwich making objects will cum to view them as people.

It is a hard, long road I travel and with many detractors along the way .... oh and many defarmers too but with my strong right hand I will keep fighting .  

And thanks to all those who send me selfies in my constant battle against something. Many of you were too ugly to post but I tried to lower my standards as to not offend you. Onwards to victory!  

Saturday, 22 November 2014

GM Genocide

Since he's Indian I wonder if he has any rape seeds.

270,000 Indian farmers have committed suicide since 1995. Most of these cases have been because they find themselves in debt that they cannot get out of. In 2009 alone,17,683 farmers killed themselves as their crops began to fail. Many are blaming the company Monsanto for these deaths as Monsanto has changed the way India has grown crops since 1988.

Most seeds used by farmers in India are GM seeds, in fact  95%  of India’s cotton seed is now controlled by Monsanto.
The genetically engineered cotton seeds have a gene and a protein that is toxic to the bollworm which is cotton's main pest, the plants grow faster, require less water and produce a greater yield than normal non GM seeds. The main problem is that they cost 4 times more and you can't re-seed them after each harvest, you have to keep buying more seeds.

Hauling water, pollinating and picking by hand still has to get done, it's a tough life and one lived in poverty no matter how hard or long you work. 

A nice little earner that Monsanto have going on there, capitalism at it's best. The bollworm can become resistant to the built in pesticides and so the farmers also have to buy pesticides, many of which are banned in Europe and the US. The farmers don't wear protective gear since most workers are usually paid well below a living wage and so they are bound to have health problems.

So you have to buy Monsanto seeds, sometimes you have to buy a Monsanto protein additive or fertilizer and can only use Monsanto pesticides on yer crops. Have you figured out who the big winner is in this set up yet?

Before you go thinking that the company who created the Agent Orange poison in Nam and has been killing off all the bees with their hidden pesticides are evil I must tell you this. Monsanto investigated the possibility that they were responsible for farmers in debt drinking Monsanto pesticides or hanging themselves from trees and found that they were not responsible .... so there.

Monsanto aims at owning the patent on every crop that is grown on Earth, when GM pollen gets blown over the US border into Mexico and pollinates their corn Monsanto sues them for unknowingly using their products. Is it any wonder that over 5 million farmers have a lawsuit against Monsanto?

Mexico has implemented a temporary ban on the Monsanto seed monopoly but India is already too deep. If you grow normal crops the chances are they'll get pollinated by yer Monsanto neighbour and Monsanto will come looking for their money.

Monsanto science is not feeding the world it's destroying nature with its terminator technology that prohibits reseeding by selling sterile plants and is making super pests and super weeds. It's only a matter of time before nature outdoes this evil science completely and nothing we grow will live. 

Friday, 21 November 2014

Chocolate Apocalypse

What you can expect to see on the streets.

Due to the drought in Brazil the world's coffee crop will be the smallest in the last 7 years at only a miserable 29.5 million bags.

Angry Hipsters pouring yer daily cup of scorn will laugh at yer loyalty cards as you beg them for a large size .... sorry we're on rations. Befriend yer coffee pourer now cos they may be the only ones able to hook you up in the mornings. 

Experts warn of high levels of crime and domestic violence ... mostly in the mornings, people will lose their jobs as they are unable to deal with the usual level of bullshit, charities will get fuck all donations and of course gun sales will rise. 
'Because fuck you, that's why' will become the slogan of the coffee generation. People who drink tea will be beaten to death for being smug. 

Many patients in hospitals all over the world will die as staff give the wrong meds and generally don't give a fuck, teachers will slaughter their pupils as they prove that there is such a thing as a stupid question and office workers will turn their work environments into thunderdome like arenas in which that bitch who talked behind yer back gets stapled to death cos then you were on the moral highground with yer coffee grounds but now it's on.   

Personal grooming just doesn't get done and if you can't have coffee then why should yer kids get a lunch for school?  

I just got a Caffè mocha, now I can stop dreaming about licking Halle Berry lol!  

If you get coffee don't brag about it or you'll face an angry backlash with abusive texts, #stillnocoffee will trend. 

But it only gets worse.

 Give me chocolate!

When God created woman from the rib of a man he obviously made some errors in regards to her unstable attitude but then he created chocolate and all was well.

Even with strong cocoa crops from Cote d'Ivoire and Ghana the world faces a shortage of chocolate. The world (weemen) are consuming more chocolate than can be made and even Ebola in western Africa threatens the production of it. 

This is where many people stop reading as they frantically donate to charities combating Ebola because now they care. 

 Black people will be victims of non-racist attacks for a change because of their chocolatey skin colour.

Old Knudsen was going to stock pile coffee and chocolate in return for sexual favours but the chance of extreme violence towards him as he suggests they give him head for a Twix seems quite possible.   
Hilary Clinton will run for president on the platform of nuking half the world so there is enough coffee and chocolate for those nations (the Americans) who actually deserve to have it, even the Republicans will vote for her.  Does Benghazi taste like coffee or chocolate? ... then fuck it.
While many news outlets have declared the suggested worldwide bacon shortage a hoax we see that   Kevin Bacon has increased his workouts. A bacon deprived fan might just take a chunk out of his arm to see if he lives up to his name. 
Old Bitter Balls will monitor Mr Bacon's workouts as that will indicate the probability of a bacon shortage. 

Heinz baked beans had an increase in sales of beans with pork sausages in them during the great bacon scare of 2014, will they start adding chocolate to their beans? 

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Recycling Old People Parts

Off to the knacker's yard for ya.

About half of Britain’s 260 crematoriums have been participating in a scheme (some call them programs but we like to sound shifty) to recycle steel hips, plates, gold teeth and screws that are collected after cremation and sold on with the money raised going to charity.

The Dutch company makes use of the 75 tonnes a year of people junk selling it on to be made into car parts, airplane parts, road signs and household objects. Of course the loved ones are asked to sign a consent form allowing them to do so.

One family who were interested to know if a bullet had been found in their WWII hero father were handed a 1 LBS bag of metal as their father had stepped on a mine and still had shrapnel in his leg. Try scattering those ashes.

It would probably be a little cuntish and disrespectful to not tell the relatives huh?

Welcome to Northern Ireland where cuntishness is the norm and we don't do no respect.

Roselawn Crematorium in Belfast says 'fuck yer dead ... it's time to move on anyways' and have done 11,000 cremations since the scheme started in 2010 and have not mentioned going through loved ones ashes for metal bits.

I bet they didn't use magnets and tongs like they say they do but sifted old uncle Bob using a riddle.

Belfast council said: “It is not deemed necessary to provide this information and no family has ever requested it. However, we keep this under review.”

Uh yeah we also put half of yer granny into the grinder for dog food but since you never asked we didn't think it worth telling you about. 

The National Association of Funeral Directors didn't even know the scheme was happening in Belfast. As well as cuntishness there is also a high level of incompetence throughout this tagnut on the arse of the UK Province.

The city council had not even listed a charity for the 2 tonnes of scrap metal money to go to so instead of local charities that money was divided around other UK charities .... like I said, incompetence.

I also don't like the way they just say, 'oh it goes to charity' charity is not a place nor is it a proper answer. If it went to that Belfast charity that drives mini vans around to get drunk people safely home at night I'd say go fuck off, if they can drink they can get a taxi.   

Recycling people parts is a great idea, have you bought any jewelry since 2010? It might have some gold teeth melted into it or when you make a cup of tea you might be putting someone you know on the boil.

I bet a lot of the ashes you get back are from half the town who have died, people all come out the same. I wonder if they have a set weight to give to people and the rest gets sold as cat litter or something.
I guess it pays to ask a load of questions so some cunt doesn't say, 'well no one asked.'

Yet again another example of how the Nazis were ahead of their time. The ever growing population and dwindling resources I think it's always best to ask what is in the mystery meat yer eating ... aw fuck it, just pass the red sass, as if that would put me off.  

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Ebola Is Trending In Africa This Christmas Time

Get off my fucking lawn!

Bob Geldof is a miserable looking git for someone who is worth 32 million. Some people just cannot be happy, is it any wonder that people around him kill themselves? Just looking at that face has Old Knudsen reaching for a rope. 

Going by what Peaches said of him he was strict and standoffish towards his kids when their mother Paula Yates killed herself by over dose, Bob seems to care more about the Africans than his own family and even that has limits.
He certainly isn't punk rock at all no matter what his personal grooming says, Mr honourary knighthood and several honourary doctorates, he's Mr establishment. 

Has he given up feeding the poor? While Ethiopia is booming with Chinese money and building there is famine in Somalia and Sudan. Is he donating money from his charity single to Ebola in west Africa because it's trendy right now?  

Geldof used Live 8 to help get Tony Blair elected and spoke for Scotland staying British. Of course he isn't British he just wants to be relevant, has no one told him he has a face for radio?

When talking about world population he has said "There can't be more people on the Earth than we can feed" and has put it onto women to be educated on having fewer children .... yes because in these butt fuck cuntries weemen really have so much control over their bodies. 

Even in Kenya which is semi civilised for an African cuntry a woman was stripped in the street and shamed for wearing a short skirt.      

Aye blame the weemen .... Geldof has had three children but I suppose that doesn't count, someone has issues. 

 He doesn't have a paper sticker badge on his coat, he never gave to charity!

I don't know where the money from Band aid's latest Do they know it's Christmas is going to, it's like that person in the street rattling a plastic jar and saying, "support cancer" ... wha? So many charities you've never heard of in the UK all trying to get yer loose change because the government funds fuck all.

At least they just give you a dirty look when you refuse to bend to street peer pressure unlike the religious ones that give you a passive aggressive 'Jesus loves you anyway.'    

Geldof is an adviser to the ONE campaign, when it was brought to the attention of the public that 1.2% of their funding went to charities they mentioned that they didn't really give to charities they just raise awareness .... well thanks for letting us know, most of their funding comes from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. It seems that you can work in charity without actually working with charities. 

So who gets the Bandaid 30 money? Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) otherwise known as Doctors Without Borders or Oxfam? Where is the charity name recognition? You should think Bandaid 30 then have the charity connected in yer thoughts, is it UNICEF? that's who got it in the 80's but they mostly just do famine .... the good news for them is that west Africa might very well get a famine too. 

 Africa and the Middle East are beyond saving so I suggest other options.

Latest Ebola news is that Guinea, Liberia, Sierra Leone and Mali are the big outbreak cuntries at the moment with outbreaks also in Nigeria and Senegal.  

What about the song? People have complained that the first Band aid song was stupid and written by someone who thought that Africa was a cuntry. Of course there is snow in Africa and plenty of rain and rivers. I'm pretty sure that they know it's Christmas too, I'm sure they have calendars in Africa. 

Santa (or Black Peter) doesn't do cuntries of colour but he will give them a good ol mocking with some blackface cos he's a total cunt. How many Golliwogs did Santa give to children back in the 70's? 

Political correctness spoiled my Christmas.

So onto the lyrics, It’s Christmas time – and there’s no need to be afraid ... that starts up the same though there is always a need for fear. Some big fat fella who has been watching you all year breaks into yer house, fear is totally natural. 

There’s a world outside your window – and it’s a world of dread and fear .... aye but no need for fear huh.

Where a kiss of love can kill you – and there’s death in every tear .... fuck that's depressing.

And the Christmas bells that ring there – are the clanging chimes of doom, Well tonight we’re reaching out and touching you ... no you fucking well are not! Just because you have a knighthood doesn't mean you can touch whoever you want, who do you think you are Jimmy Savile?

No peace and joy this Christmas in West Africa ... no, not as catchy. 

The only hope they’ll have is being alive ... it's really not that bad, just don't eat anyone's feces or saliva, and since they are not poor at least they'll have food and Christmas presents so yay!

Where to comfort is to fear, Where to touch is to be scared .... so don't touch or comfort the sick, got it.

How can they know it’s Christmas time at all .... the Christmas decorations and the crappy songs might give it away.

So there you have it, with Christmas and the holidays being difficult for many people, especially those with depression Bob Geldof is trying to have more people kill themselves with this gawd awful song. 
The United Nations Mission for Ebola Emergency Response (UNMEER) has been set up in Ghana and Obama keeps telling the world how the US is leading the fight against Ebola .... uh no yer not, as usual yer well late for the fight. Let them work away at it, just how much money are we expected to give to charities? 

Ach give what you will, people very often pretend to be less cuntish around Christmas for some reason, give Bob, Bono and One Direction their Christmas tax breaks and feel like you've done some good in the world as you tuck into yer turkey.       


Monday, 17 November 2014

Animal Husbandry Course Gone Baaaad

 You know you want it

Yer supposed to count sheep in order to help you sleep. At Fresno State University, police arrested a student for having sex with a sheep ..... Why the fuck do they have a sheep unit on campus if they are just going to arrest anyone that uses it? 

It's a fucking set up! Probably some kind of cruel social studies experiment like how Facebook turns seemingly normal people into raving right wing racists by sharing the nice memes from Britain First, LIKE and SHARE if you are against animal cruelty, support the veterans and like cheese.  First the puppies, patriotism, dairy products and before you know it yer sharing memes about how Muslims inject Ebola into baby formula that you buy in shops and they are laughing at you cos they are all rich on welfare and yer baby is sick.

So, anyway. 

The computer engineering student (bet he now goes into I.T.) was holding Fluffy doon and giving her the length when he was rudely interrupted by the peelers. When they critiqued his method he told them that it was his first time and that he had been drinking earlier in the evening.   

Were we short a news story this Halloween? Usually a bloke is found fucking some pumpkins, is this the bloke and he missed his chance? 

The student then asked officers "Am I going to be expelled for this?" ... that's anyone's guess mate, they expel people for all sorts of silly stuff these days. Book em Danno!  

Ched Evans The Rapist

There is a strange moral dilemma regarding soccer player Ched Evans. In 2011 he and another playa were charged with rape after having sex with a 19-year-old woman, who was deemed too drunk to give consent.

The story is that at 4am McDonald (the other player) picked a drunk gurl up and brought her to his hotel where they had sex, he texted Evans:  "I’ve got a bird" Evans showed up and had sex with her too.
The hotel porter says there was no sounds of distress and Evans left via a fire door. The gurl woke up in the morning naked and with no memory of what had happened so she called the police. 

The court decided that McDonald wasn't guilty but that Evans was. He then served half of his 5 year sentence. How does a jury come up with that conclusion?

I don't mind because he's a football player. 

His gurlfriend  Natasha Massey stood by him so what is all the fuss about? He's done his time and has been rehabilitated ...... right?
Do we actually believe in rehabilitation? Evans continues to protest his innocence to clear his name but will that really happen?
Not all rapes are created equal, this would be on par with date rape rather than in an alley with a knife. Still that does not justify what he did, he and his mate took advantage of a drunken gurl.   

 How can you not hear with ears like that? 

Sheffield United let Evans back to train with them to get him into shape for his job as a footballer. If he had a job as a plumber or a builder he'd be allowed back to work.

Then again some sex offenders aren't allowed to work with women or children. Is he innocent because shagging some nameless cum bucket is what young sport stars do? Is this one of those cases in which he doesn't think he has done anything wrong except get caught? He's Ched fucking Evans, football star! 

Two of the club's patrons have resigned, they have lost one sponsor and another has said that they'd back out if he was signed back as a player and now Olympic gold medalist Jessica Ennis-Hill has asked for her name to be removed from the stands if he is allowed back to play.

British mouth piece Katie Hopkins said on Twitter, "Jessica Ennis is Supreme judge in the court of public opinion. Being able to run fast & jump high makes you super qualified. Who knew?"

It says a lot that Sheffield United didn't think there would be a problem with bringing him back cos he's such a good player and all. Some people just don't like rapists. McDonald who said his career was destroyed is still playing football though. Thanks to this backlash Sheffield are having second thoughts about Evan's future with them.

Rehabilitation is a joke and 2 and a half years isn't punishment enough, maybe if he had more moral fiber he wouldn't cheat on his gurlfriend with someone that was just a warm body. No he should not be allowed back as a soccer player, no he should not be hailed as a hero for kicking a ball into a net and does not deserve that lifestyle but do any of them?

He needs to lose the tude and work at respecting others, thinking that he'd just pick up as if nothing had happened shows you what wankers sport stars can be, his buddy McDonald should have done some time too but what can you do? .... Now Ched's actual punishment begins.

Learn from this Evans and be a better person .... and quit raping people it isn't cool. Be thankful that Old Knudsen wasn't the judge. 


Sunday, 16 November 2014

Like a G- 20


At the G20 in Brisbane ..... Australia. Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbot met Vladimir Putin and reassured him that he'd feel comfortable in Australia, "No gays will be allowed within 500 yards of you during yer stay, my security detail are authorised to shoot them on sight. Stupid queers and their equality issues, in my day no one was a poof because we were tough back then, so no women near you this weekend unless you count Merkel and even that is in question, I only let the Shelias do the cooking not the politicking." 

A startled looking Putin stared back and quietly mumbled, "no bitches? I was promised bitches and Crystal ." 

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper showed his Canuck rage when he said, "I guess I'll shake your hand, but I have only one thing to say to you: You need to get out of Ukraine eh." Putin replied, "make me hoser."

Wow, just wow, in Canadian terms that was almost a berserker like rage. Harper then went and sat in a closet to 20 minutes until his hands stopped shaking.

Obama however will shake anyone's hand, he said, "You can have Afghanistan back, we're all done with it" Putin interrupted by saying, "I can't speak English so don't waste your breath and my time, do you like apples? How you like those apples in Syria?  ... next!"  

Obama walked off muttering, 'should have mentioned Ukraine ... damn it.' 

Then he met the head of  Al-Qaeda who was doing the rounds to get funding. For just £3 a month you could give an Al-Qaeda fighter some much needed bullets to kill some infidels, adopt a fighter and receive a cuddly toy and letters from your fighter trying to indoctrinate you and boasting about beheading some Free Syria rebels. 

Putin told Angela Merkel that if she invaded Russia during winter she'd get a warm erection, er reception. Just look at them, probably plotting something devious. 

David Cameron was just interested in showing everyone just how unfriendly he is towards Putin though as usual behind closed doors Dave is everyone's buddy. Putin told him, "I'm just happy to see little countries like England get invited to these events, you should be honoured, Ireland and Italy didn't get invites."    

Putin is a one man party at meetings like this, his fart jokes are hilarious, not to David Cameron who is trying to look tough. 

While everyone talked about Ukraine and sanctions Putin played Angry Cossacks on his phone and updated Twitter, "Am getting told off by the grown ups .... yawn, they aren't the boss of me."

To remind everyone that he can bring on World War fuck you up he had a warship and three support vessels doing exercises off the coast of Australia.

Tony Abbott said that it was a "regrettable pattern of Russian military assertiveness which appeared to be trying to recreate the lost glories of the Soviet Union." Well said Tony except it was said by a leader of a country that never had any glories of its own. 

The glories of Australia, Abbott got the one with mange. 

What kind of cuntry has deadly snakes and spiders but bears that a child could beat into submission? Australia's navy is two guys wearing speedos. Go on Tony say "vagina" you can't can you .... real men don't say the v-word it seems. 

Cameron had the best put down about the Russian fleet "I didn't feel it necessary to bring a warship myself to keep myself safe at this G20, and I'm sure that Putin won't be in any danger."  

Then again is Cameron really classed as a world leader? ... does anyone even care enough to try to kill him? 

Obama brought some good ol made in America produce and tricked Tony Abbott into touching it, "You'd think it was slimy but no, it's actually dry and warm to the touch, what is it?" 

I'm gonna let you finish being all greasy, I just have to say that Jessica Biel has a much better ass and didn't need no sex tape to get famous ..... am I in trouble now? 


Saturday, 15 November 2014

The Venice Of Ulster.

The world briefly ignores Kim's arse and Ebola to look towards the flooding in Newry, Northern Ireland. Caused by a day of heavy rain and maybe the acts of homosexuals. One of the more cosmopolitan locals described it as looking more like Venice.

This probably had something to do with George Clooney sailing up and down streets waving at people. Police have asked him not to toot his horn at them so much.

George has not commented on this yet though he did wobble his head and wave.  

Friday, 14 November 2014


The biggest story going round at the moment is obviously Pointergate. Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges was canvasing for votes with Navell Gordon an ex-con who works for Neighbourhoods Organizing for Change when they posed for a photograph. 

As you can see from the photo the pair decided to flash some gang signs. What may look like people pointing at each other is actually a sign used by an extremely vicious gang. The police who like to do nothing better than to look at the Facebook pages of criminals brought this picture to the attention of the local news channel. A retired police chief then went on the air to point out (without pointing) about how all the good work done by gang task forces is being undermined by the Mayor and this may cause gang retaliation.

You know what? I looked at her and thought to myself, aye she looks like a right gang banger.

Gordon was recently arrested by a police officer for trespassing while he stood outside a grocery store collecting signatures for a petition for ex-con voting rights. Witnesses protested at the rough handling by the officer to which he "allegedly" threatened to shoot them. This all led to a protest march on the grocery store.

Hodges has been quite vocal about crooked cops and says the Minneapolis PD aren't doing enough to root out the bad uns.

So I'm sure it's a real concern to the police about this gang sign and not at all payback.

Aye it seems that everyone is in a gang, here is me and my mate Dave Grohl from the Fuzz Fighters, which is his band, check it out I'm sure they are very good.   

It's no surprise that durty dick Bill Clinton is also a gang member, here he is with ex-IRA terrorist Nelson Mandela enjoying the thug life.  

Here you can see Twopack Shakur and Obama Bin Laden from a photo from last month, this pic is bound to hurt their careers.

  James McAvoy and Jessica Chastain flash the gang signs

The Minneapolis PD should cut the crap and just go and shoot the Mayor and Navell Gordon for fucks sake, maybe plant a gun on them .... like wot real police departments would do. I think this non-story has really made them a laughing stock, when someone calls it a name with gate at the end then you know you've made it big. 

 If yer gonna pose then please try to keep yer gang signs to yerself.