Friday, 25 July 2014

Flying Cars Are Here

They promised us flying cars by the year 2000 and it looks as though the experts were right and holding out on us.
A car I had about 15 years ago the Vauxhall Corsa obviously didn't have the flying ability, I must have just missed out but now they can indeed fly.

A 25 year-old driver in Hop Pole, near Spalding ..... no seriously, these are real place names. Must have engaged the flying feature without aligning the inertial dampeners .... rookie mistake.

 You kicked me off the island, why?  .... oh fuck off Wilson.

Not that I'm saying that lil boy racers buy these cars and then can't drive them, ok then maybe I am. The BBC didn't say if the 25 year-old was male but c'mon the fuck, a little old to be racing around the streets of .... where is it Hop Pole? You must be sooo fucking cool you forever alone little man racer. I bet you have a fat tip too, well had until it fell off.

The car careered off the road and flew through the air and smashed into a back bedroom. No one was home and the driver got away with broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. In the age of camera phones are you saying that nobody got it? A garden fence was destroyed and some shrubs were startled.... probably won't flower again until the end of August. I hope yer pleased. 

Burritos ... Ask Me How

Besides Boojum in Belfast there aren't many places to get a burrito in Northern Ireland. Old Knudsen likes Del Taco and Bakers and he used to like Taco Bell until they cut back on their portions but now he'd even take that.

Gingo friendly Mexican food is what I want, not what they call Mexican food here, it's atrocious ... a few peppers do not Mexican food make.

So after a couple of year without any I went on the hunt for something that passed for gringo burritos and found ingredients that worked. I now share my findings with other Northern Ireland plebs who are sick of potatoes.
It's easy to cook and can be done well within an hour, 30 mins if you aren't stopping to take pictures. 

The ingredients:

I use this as the rice filler because I'm a chicken sort of person. This can be found in Sainsburys.

I prefer flour tortillas which can be bought in various sizes at Sainsburys or Tesco.

An onion and some chicken. I usually get breast meat but I fucked up and got thigh for some reason, ah well it all comes out the same.

Salsa and guacamole from Sainsburys, just any old stuff will not do. Get tortilla chips and use these as dips if you want.

Yoghurt instead of sour cream, this is from Sainsburys. Don't buy stuff called sour cream or guacamole from the makers of Mexican type food brands as they are just easy to pour shite.

You can add peppers if you want, I usually add a small can of diced tomatoes but I forgot them.

Cilantro, otherwise known as coriander.  

Refried beans as found at Sainsburys and Tesco.

The most important part .... hat sass! A burrito is just a means to get hot sauce into my gob. I found Cholula at Tesco, that's the stuff real illegal immigrants would use so it must be nice. If you can't get that then something like Texas pete, if you can't get that then Frank's hot sauce but do try to get Cholula.

So easy to make.  Wash and chop yer coriander and put it in a Tupperware. Then chop yer onion and put it to the side for now. To avoid crying while peeling an onion, do it underwater, many swimming pools frown upon this but if you do it sneakily they won't have a clue. I've made whole stews in local swimming pools.

Then chop yer chicken, obviously you chop that last to avoid cross contamination. I hope you've already washed yer hands before cooking and after handling raw meat. Old Knudsen may not wash his cock for months at a time but he does believe in hand washing and will notice every single time a food handler touches their face or hair. Some of those TV cooks are durty buggers, a 3 second hand wipe on a cloth does not mean clean.      
I also disinfect areas that I've had the packaging of raw meat on before carrying on with the cooking cos I have OCD issues.

Cook yer chicken in a pan (a deepish panwith a lid) with some oil until it's cooked .... I'll assume you know what cooked chicken looks like. I like to cook chicken with paprika cos I like the pretty colour.

Throw in yer onion and other veg if you have it, let that cook then throw in yer rice from the one pan meal, let that cook for 1 minute, stirring of course.

Add 350ml of water, the El Paso sauce and seasoning and stir.

Not very encouraging, it looks like a soup of sorts. Bring to boil then lower the temp to simmer. I put the lid on the pan and set ma timer for 15 mins.

Stir a couple of times while it's simmering.

As if by magic it becomes food. Not very colourful since I forgot the tomato and didn't add pepper but oh so tasty.

I then empty a can of refried beans into a bowl and microwave it for 2 mins. 

If you cook using gas then you can toast the tortilla over the flame for 5 seconds each side or just microwave it.

The rice meal, beans, salsa, guac, yogurt, coriander onto the tortilla. I've under filled this one since I eat like yer lass in the top pic. 

Now you have a burrito, pour yer hat sass onto it as you eat .

Everything can be packed into Tupperware containers and kept in the fridge, the tortillas can get a clamp put onto the package and put in too.... the hot sauce can stay out. 

I'll feed off this for a week just adding everything onto a tortilla and microwaving it for a minute or so.  

Good light food for hot summer days, once the work is done there is no cooking .... unless you run out of beans and have to open another can.

Now you have the secret of Old Knudsen's burritos, use this knowledge with respect, it's all about the ingredients so do try to get them.  


Thursday, 24 July 2014

Tunnel Trouble

A Hamas soldier dragging a bag of poison they use on Israeli troops ..... possibly. 

Too much attention is being paid to Gaza, are TV shows like Dancing with has been stars or I'm a retard, get me outta here on a break or something? ISIS have more cities under their control than the Iraqi government do, anyone else notice this? 

Then there was the suicide car bombings that killed 26 people in Iraq on Tuesday and 21 on Wednesday .... did Facebook go mad with indignation? were the kitten pictures put on hold? No one cares.

Former soccer player Gazza gets $47 million in US aid by mistake.

The Palestinian people are being attacked in their own homeland .... Arabs are fucking nomads, ya can't just go around claiming every little bit of sand. The history of the world says that whoever can keep the land does so. A few popular examples: America, Australia, Canada, England, Northern Ireland, Ireland itself ... where do you think the Irish came from? Even the people who first settled in Scotland were taken over by assimilation which is the passive aggressive form of invasion. 

The ancient world both feared and respected military might, they called King Alfred and Alexander "Great" for their ability to have lots of people killed for their agendas.

Have we really moved on? Nah, not really and we've got this level of smugness going on too which isn't really very attractive. We care about what the media shows us and fire up the old hashtags in response to some great injustice but we never lose a night of sleep nor does it put us off our dinner. 

I remember during the whole Ethiopian famine thing that having yer dinner to images of starving Marvin was quite common. "oh look at those flies round that dying child's mouth, hmmm potatoes turned out well." Luckily there isn't a famine there today. Ethiopia is 123 out of 125 worst fed countries in the world. Yeah there is drought and famine, you just don't hear about it. No one cares.      

The tunnels under Gaza.

The people on Facebook can't get enough of Gaza, they love that shit. American users don't see it as much because of the whole everyone supports Israel as it's a key ally thing.

I'm amazed by the tunnel system under Gaza. Hundreds of tunnels to Egypt and Israel to smuggle in food, weapons and people. Hamas have their own bunkers and use the tunnels the same way the Viet Cong did, they like to pop up behind the enemy to capture Israeli troops and torture them, hey they do shit like that, they strapped bombs onto children for fucks sake, not nice people. 

Like Vietnam, besides the tunnel system used in warfare you don't know who'll be the enemy. Does that 14 year-old have a bomb strapped to them? Will that mother surrounded by kids pull out a gun? ... it happens. Hamas have threatened to unleash attacks across Israel, they say their people will pop up and randomly stab Israelis .... no wonder FB users are glued to this conflict. Fuck day time television, this shit is awesome .... er I mean it's terrible, can't stand the suffering, oh must share this decapitated child it will show people that I care.

This will hurt a little bit and by that I mean a lot, I hope. 

I like to see dead bodies and stabbing victims as much as the next person but the media is telling us that we should be more interested in the airliner that was shot doon. Yeah yeah yeah, 298 people dead, whatever. I see a Taiwanese plane made a crash landing killing around 50, I can imagine Gaza lovers going, 'oh crap, now I'll have to click on links to find out what is happening in Gaza, FML.'

This fascination for Gaza is a little worrying, it's one of those things that if you point out any of the history of the situation then yer a hater or worse .... a Jew lover!!!!!!

Here is what happened at a pro-Palestinian rally in Paris, they destroyed Jewish run businesses and chanted to gas the Jews.
Ya know what will not get you sympathy for the attacks on Gaza?

Angry Muslims are nothing new, it's as if they don't like getting bombed or something. Don't they know that chanting gas the Jews is totally taboo, that's like implying that black people are lazy, just not done. Away an burn some flags or mutilate some female genitals or something. 

You can't have angry pro-Palestine people without having Hamas.  Gerry Adams has no problems with Hamas and will visit the Hamas Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh in Egypt no problem .... wha? the leader of Palestine isn't even in Palestine? nope, not even the #2.  They rule in exile telling their minions to kill Israelis and die no matter what.

I have a problem getting behind anything that Adams is for. I hope he's giving tips on how to not let shit stick to you.
Not that anyone remembers all the 15 year-old brain washed suicide bombers that Hamas sent to Israel that killed over 300 people over the years.

Adams says that "when people are challenged to go to the ballot box" he ignores how Hitler came to power through the ballot box as that doesn't suit him, he's trying to appear to be a figure of peace rather than an ex-IRA leader who shelters pedos. So if people vote for terrorists like Hamas or Fatah then they are terrorist supporters? .... that's what Adams is saying. 

I don't really like to brand everyone as terrorists, conservatives or democrats because of who cheated to get into power but hey, sure thing Gerry, kill them all and fuck peace cos that is what terrorists deserve.

Abu Marzouk , Hama's number 2 has said that he hopes that Israel occupies Gaza.... uh? He says this because than that means that Fatah isn't in charge and Hamas can stop with the day to day problems of looking after civilians and can concentrate on killing Israelis.

He lives a comfortable life in Cairo not exactly worrying about Gaza's infrastructure and Israel provide Gaza with electricity and clean water anyway and unlike Fatah are accountable to international law, imagine not wanting to be run by a terrorist organisation.    

This post isn't about stupid hypocrites that don't live in the real world, nor is it about scumbag terrorists, it's about tunnels.

Did you know that over 1,000 people live in the tunnel system under Las Vegas? The tunnels are for flood prevention. Aye Las Vegas is out in the desert but they can still get floods there because it might not rain for months but when it does it's all at once.
Some of these people have jobs or are vets with PTSD or others with substance abuse problems. One of the richest cuntries in the world who gives $3 billion every year to Israel can't look after it's own people, then again I doubt these people tried to get help.
If the junkies don't want to change then they can't get help, charities do help them but don't want them getting too comfortable.

Doon Mexico way they love their tunnels too, to smuggle drugs, guns and people into and out of the U.S. there has been lots of fierce debate about the border because the U.S. are not winning .... you'd think that Americans would be used to that.
Of course the border is vast so tunnels are not needed if you want to cross over undetected.

Over the years Ranchers have been finding things on their ranches that illegal immigrants sneaking across the border have dropped, these include Korans and Pakistani/English translation books, not just yer usual dropped burrito or bottle of Tequila that I'm sure all Mexicans carry.

Americans should be less worried about deporting hard working people in search of a better life and focus on those who mean them harm. I don't give a shit if Americans all full of indignant outrage go on about how these people have broke the law etc etc, Americans are notorious for thinking outside the system and take laws as guidelines so fuck off.

So much to fix and so much injustice and suffering that gets ignored so it's difficult for Old Knudsen to take those who suddenly pop up with a social conscience about something they know knowing about seriously.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Turds In Space

First the bus with the bomb on it, Jesse James and now this, I'm so not liking my life choices.

India launched a rocket for Mars in November of 2013, in October of this year it should reach the red planet and go into orbit, just cos it's a cool thing to do.
They may also study the planet's atmosphere and surface probably for colonization so they can build evil robots and build a clone army away from the rules and laws that have prevented them from doing it on Earth . Maybe they'll open call centers and pretend to be typing and fixing yer problem but you know they aren't. 'Just bare with me I just have to run a few diagnostic programs from our end'  plays busy office tape with typing sounds  'Hey Apu, did you see Tru Blood last night? that shit was off the hook.'

Prince Razzi din jam jazzi inspecting his rocket.

Another nation who wants to go to Mars is the United Arab Emirates. These oil rich cunts no doubt want yet another place to argue about religion. UAE's emirate of Dubai, Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum ..... if that is indeed his name and not what he had for lunch said the mission will prove the Arab world is still capable of delivering scientific contributions to humanity rather than just blowing themselves up and burning flags.

I added the last bit. These people don't even eat bacon and they think they can go to Mars? Its unmanned probe will take nine months to travel the 37 million miles to Mars, that's 2 months faster than India HA! In total that is 9 nations with Mars in their space program .... the race is on. 

Muslim majority cuntries such as Algeria, Tunisia, Egypt, Turkey Indonesia, Pakistan and Iran all have space programs ..... not that religion is important or anything.
In 1985 Saudi-born Prince Sultan bin Salman Al-Saud became the first Muslim and Arab to travel to space, he had to fight his natural inclination to take over the cockpit and ram the space ship into the International space station but apart from that he did great. Watching him trying to pray to Mecca while in orbit was fucking hilarious.... Hey Sally you just prayed to Ireland, ya potato lover. 

Muzzle toff Mahmoud, it's a boy! 

Last year Iran sent a monkey up into space for the second time even though they were still cleaning bits from the capsule from the first time.

It will return in 50 of our Earth years and it will bring it's friends.

Of course when the UAE send manned flights and you know they will, there will be strict laws as written down by Allah himself. No kissing or touching! No one gives a fuck that it's a long flight, Indian rockets may have rape as a common pursuit but not on an UAE ship.

No swearing or indecent gestures, even on space walks giving the thumbs up is seen as a rude gesture and you may expect a harsh prison sentence before you are stoned and hanged .... or the other way round.

No taking pictures without permission, that includes snapshots of yer cuntry from space, again with the prison, stoning and hanging.

No disrespecting any religion ..... that happens to be Islam. You'll be beat with a flip flop, stoned, hanged and then imprisoned, just to shake things up .... or sheik things up, see what I did there? oh fuck off.

No sharing private space with opposite sex . In fact no sharing space, death to those who insult Islam or those who just aren't Islamic... or Islamic enough.  

No indecent clothing, again this is not India. Our bodies .... especially weemen's are immoral and indecent and should be covered from head to toe at all times, oh not men because that would be really uncomfortable. 50 lashes for space weemen that show their ankles.

What is Nasa doing? Can we afford to let a load of Mooslims invade and colonise Planet Mars? They don't even speak English for fucks sake how can they be ambassadors for Earth like wot we white .... er western nations are?

Here is what NASA are doing, they are talking ... not doing but talking, about the possibility of life on other planets. Fucking recession, now NASA can only talk a space program.
They say that 10 to 20 percent of stars around us have Earth-size planets in the habitable zone. In just a few years we may have telescopes that can identify planets that can sustain life and that it's very likely that every single star in our Milky Way galaxy has at least one Earth like planet.

Imagine the moment when the world wakes up and the human race realizes that its long loneliness in time and space may be over .... oh and they want YOU to sleep on the wet patch cos yer just a slave meat sack who will serve or die, now roll over and prepare for my love invasion.  

Gone are the good ol days when Charlton Heston would go up into space arrogantly brag about the free cuntry he comes from to a race of platitudians. We were created equal damn it, not to be slaves ... well except for the Mexicans, weemen and anyone who isn't Christian ..... we used to not like blacks but thanks to the liberals we can't say anything negative about them.  Our nation is a shining example of freedom and democracy, a republic? what the fuck is that? 

Aye the US is a republic and yet it wants to make democracies, no faith in the republican brand.  

The American dream were you have the founding fathers given rights to pursue happiness and oil. A big car in the driveway, a wife to have yer dinner on the table for when you come in from lying in yer garden hammock all day, 2.5 children ... aye little Joey probably won't life long. 

We get to own guns in case we need to overthrow the government or shoot up a school and we barbeque where ever the fuck we like, Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, Somalia, Nazi fucking Germany, aye some barbeques last longer than others but all are left with a pile of burn ambers ...  except Germany who are doing better than everyone else, being the bully does pay off eventually. 

We can't let those damn dirty apes get their hands on the red planet, I say we nuke the fucker or frack it to death.

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Get Fit The Easy Way

Kate Upton was once asked how she keeps her figure, she replied 'I'm 23 for fucks sake I can eat whatever I want.' .... paraphrasing there but you get the idea. She can eat Old Knudsen if she wants.

I was reading this story about a Chris Monk, a 26 year-old gym worker who complained about looking bloated and not fitting in with the fit as fuck meat heads where he works. His boss got all fit and muscly and won some body building competition which inspired him.

Monk worked irregular hours and would often pick up a McDonalds or KFC. I had a job like that once and it didn't help when my rich as fuck boss who doesn't seem to have any set working hours came in one day offering us reduced membership rates at a gym.

Why do I have a beer belly? I go onto shots after 8 beers.  

Ya know what I need after working a 4pm to 2am or an 10pm to 7am a day off then a 7am to 4pm? a tough workout at a gym. Away an fuck and pass me a plate of chips covered in gravy cos I'll be comfort eating for being stuck in a job that sucks my soul and health ...... wasn't the response he was looking for.

Ach he was fucking his secretary so not someone that could inspire you to better yerself. 

So young Chris, brown nosed to his boss then bought some protein shakes, ZMA tablets and some  pre-workout supplements... aye roids it is.  He also changed his diet. The article didn't mention alcohol but since he's a young British male I'll just assume that he binge drinks ... hence being bloated around the belly.

Before, his meals were like this: Cereal like bran flakes for breakfast, pasta or spaghetti bolognese for lunch, Sausage egg and chips or takeaway for dinner with crisps and chocolate for snacks.

He trained with his boss at the gym they both work at five times a week doing cardiovascular exercises like cycling, running, swimming, and  resistance training, both looking at each other all hot and sweaty and pats on the arse, hey you lifted well today, lets shower.. This went on for 12 weeks.

His meals then went like this, for breakfast, egg and salmon on granary bread, lunch is three small portions of turkey breast cous cous and veg. Dinner is steak with sweet potato salad, then later peanut butter on granary bread. Nuts, yoghurt and fruit for snacks.

Seriously cous cous?  .... Hitler ate cous cous. You keep yer sweet potato salad, I'll have some steak cut chips with me steak and me side of steak, coleslaw is vegetables, where is that? is this lad ghey or something? Have I missed a part of the story that mentions wine bars? .... not that there is anything wrong with fudge packing.  

After all of that he looks like a god .... well no shit Sherlock.

If a 26 year-old single male who works at a gym can do this then what's yer excuse?  Let me think, I can spend all me time making seven smaller meal portions spaced at three-hour intervals or just eat two or three meals that fill me. I bet that while he was doing this transformation his work at the gym was left to slide, being the boss's pet and all.

This story was written to promote the USN Body Makeover Challenge and no real people were hurt during it's writing.
If you do all of that then yer gonna expect a change but who the fuck is gonna do all of that?

I'm not gonna eat like some ponce with their salmon and whole wheat bread an shit, you give me this at a restaurant and I'll be asking where the rest is and be careful, you got foliage all over me plate.

I have cut back on KFC though, I'm no a complete pig.

Mainly cos they changed the fries to French fries which are minging in the gravy and I'm still boycotting France for not fighting Hitler hard enough.

 My body is a temple .... of  DOOM!

For 10 years in Callyfornia I got KFC wedges and the original burger wasn't the same so when I returned I got my burger but then they changed the chips on me WHHHYYY!!!!!!!!!!

I'm too old to be working out to impress other people ... but no Old Knudsen, it's for yerself and so you'll be around for yer children, ach fuck the wee shites they stopped coming round after I turned the hose on them and cut them out of my will.  Very easily upset they are, need to grow thicker skin I reckon.
Exercise is for people with time to spare. I don't do running, unlike the French I signed a waiver in the army that said I didn't have to do all that unnecessary running as I was already considered fit enough to be killed for my cuntry and Old Knudsen doesn't turn his back on the enemy. It's the 19th fucking century I told them, go get me a horseless fucking cart.

So I improved me mind instead of me body and I still get the same amount of attention from the ladies as I did when I was 26 and built like Thor .... which is none, I just seem to attract lezzers, aye that's what it is.

If I can't be ripped at least I can be interesting. 

Monday, 21 July 2014

In Search Of

I'm a hero, I'm a guy, I'm a hero who likes apple pie .... and cocaine.  That's me hero tune for when I go and beat up Nazis and children an shit.

I stand for justice and truth, and I sit for lap dances. I have searched this world far and wide, high and deep, drunk and itchy. If you hear about something strange, in yer neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?
 Ballymena Knudsen!  

If you don't have my mumber then I mustn't like you, e-mail me instead. 

I went on the search for the illusive Sasquatch or Bigfoot. A large ape-like creatures that goes around leaving footprints and can only be captured on poor quality video.

I went to British Columbia, every since the Colombians and the British colonized the area reports of these creatures have been numerous, the British Colombians are a very mellow people, unless you start selling potted plants or something.
I usually don't listen to half the threats I get but they did mention something about growing and selling plants in pot .... now that was strange.

There was a decline in sightings around 2002 which coincidentally was the same time that camera phones came out, experts believe that the mothership probably beamed them up around that time or they returned to their home at the center of the Earth. 

Well I when looking for a Sasquatch and unless they were hiding on those secret farms I kept finding they don't exist. 
Maybe they do live at the center of the Earth and one pops out to scare hikers now and again but there is no evidence to support their existence. 

Biff! and onto the next mystery ..... UFO'S. They are real!!!! I look up at the sky constantly and say, "what the fuck is that?"

No I'm not talking spaceships, we know they are real, I'm talking UFO .... unidentified flying object. During my search I took a dizzy spell and fell flat on me back, as I lay there in my vomit (I left that bit out) I looked up and saw this mysterious round object in the night sky and I said, "wha the fuck is that?"

More dizziness took me and I blacked out. I think I was processed by a sky demon or something since I woke the next day around noon and found that I had managed to find my way home and I don't recall how I got there. I hope the blood I was covered in didn't mean anything serious.

Now for the next mystery ..... Ballymena, what the fuck is that about? 

A town in the Northern Ireland cuntryside that's famous for Liam Neeson, and and and ..... it's also known for it's drugs, farmers, xenophobia, tractors, being in the Bible belt, Ian Paisley's stomping grounds and for fucking sheep. 

Some have disappeared, never to be seen again in it's one way road system, attracted by rumours of great shopping, a rumour started by the farmers themselves. 

Little known facts about Ballymena: 

Obama oftens gets drunk and toys with the idea of nuking it. 

There is a Hellmouth under the town. 

The manager of the local Boots the chemist was burned for witchcraft after he had automatic doors installed. When they realised that his spirit was still around, opening the doors for people to walk through, the shop was then burned to the ground.

Ballymena once had a hipster ..... once. 

Tire marks can still be seen in the road from when Liam Neeson left the town. 

98% of sheep in Ballymena have been victims of sexual abuse, you can tell the ones as their wool is baggier than usual because of their body issues and low self esteem. While Ballymena sheep produce more wool they will never look you in the eye. 

If you see a billboard advertising Fairhill shopping centre, do not go. The floor gives way and traps visitors in a basement dungeon and the locals eat you. 

Those touchy about Ballymena sheep shagging comments have usually fucked a sheep. 

There! another mystery solved, Ballymena is real.     

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Eastern Bloc Promise

Out of respect for what is happening in the Middle east, all my Christian shaming gurls cum from either Russia or the Ukraine.
Does it really matter which is which? You aren't going to put yer hand away in support of Ukraine, you aren't fooling anyone.
I do find them interesting to look at this week for some reason, this Ukrainian lass has a very expressive face like yer painting Moaning Lisa. 
Don't ask me what the fuck is up with her hair, I'm a bloke .... look tits! 
This one looks evil but of course she is, she's naked on my blog that qualifies as being evil right? Feast yer eyes you child loving Christians, is evil really that bad? .... at least it's legal. 
Such a lovely smile her tits have, is it the stool or the tasteful beach scene that makes her appear so full of joy?
Check out the bone structure on that, and what a great pair of eyebrows. Old Knudsen, ya did good.
Red underwear, ya guessed it she's a Russian. 
Not big with the tits this week, ah well just blame the politic tension. 
The gurl without her red underwear, what a lovely pear she has though.