Friday, 18 April 2014

Game Of Dicks

The king is dead, long live the ..... Queen regent who shags her one handed brother, why did Old Knudsen never have a sister like that?

Who killed King Joffrey?  Yon cool midget dude?  Henry the mild mannered janitor? .......... could be.

I think the main suspect is the knight turned fool, Dontos Hollard as played by Tom Hardy. What do you mean you didn't recognize him in Game of Thrones?


That's because Hardy stopped dieting and working out then got pummeled by a cage fighter in order to submerse himself into the role. He also calls himself Tony Way but I don't think he's fooling anyone. 

They kill off the Starks and now Joffrey, you'd think this was real medieval history the way they are doing things.
We need more happy endings in Game of thrones, naked hot chick/midget sex happy endings.


Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Easter Week

Sure I've watched the TV show Vikings and Game of thrones, both seem kinda blah right now. Vikings is a Canadian/Irish TV show that gives clueless people their dose of history .... except it isn't history, it's Bible history. Throw in some real names of people and places in history and make up the rest. Vikings is Game of Thrones without the midget sex.

Who gives a fuck? The show does point out the similarities between Christianity and the Pagan religion (which isn't it's name as it was given that name by Christians) it was usually referred to as the Old custom if anything.

This is my obligatory stop stealing our shit post.

Many Christians don't see Easter as being about Jesus or Sherlock or whoever, it's when you buy chocolate rabbits for some reason, hey it's what everyone does so just play along ..... The ghost of Hitler likes that you don't think too much and just join in with the crowds.

Easter is a celebration of the spring equinox and the date is set by the moon, not very Christian huh?

      Durty fuckin hippies!

Christians go on about the death of the son but really it's the sun and the cross he died on is the southern cross star constellation. You have to understand the Pagan mind set, they were very reliant on the sun and good weather or they didn't eat. The sun and the spring ends the dark scary days of winter, now they can grow things and stock gets replenished.  The more spare time they got as growing technology increases and social order gets more structured then they get stuck into the spiritual good and evil thing. 

Too much time on their hands. 

Just like with the god Conan the barbarian (who was well hung) there is a lot of mythological hanging.  The Sumarian Goddess Inanna or Ishtar was hanged from a stake, Odin hanged from a tree and of course Jesus H Christ, though the cross is far older than Christianity .... doesn't it make you wonder why Christians adopt a symbol of torture and wear it around their necks? .... because they are cunts! no no I mean because they like to be reminded of people being tortured, that's not cuntish is it? 

Hot cross buns aren't a Christian concept either, Christians don't really tend to have imaginations. 

The cross used to be a T as it represented Tammuz the the Sumerian solar god was crucified and also represented the latter Roman god Mithras and the Greek Attis and other Teutonic gods. Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead and the underworld holds a cross to represent the end of yer life, like a grim reaper but with lots of eye makeup. 
Thomas Paine wrote in a 'pamphlet' (Ye olden day blogs) The age of reason in 1794, "The Christian religion is a parody on the worship of the Sun, in which they put a man whom they call Christ, in the place of the Sun, and pay him the same adoration which was originally paid to the Sun."

Aye what he said.  


Easter which is a corruption of the German Goddess Eostre or Ostara does of course go back a lot further. Linguistically she such cognates as Ishtar and Astarte and can be traced to a Proto-Indo-European goddess of the dawn Ausos and a bunch of others that have to do with love, war, fertility and light. 

It can all be traced back linguistically, as speech and language evolves and changes but the root is still there. Things don't just pop up from no where, who knows which came first, the rabbit or the egg? 

Whoever on the Interweb said that Loki is similar to the Spanish word 'Loco' meaning Crazy, please slap yerself. Loki is not a Latin based name you twat.  

Scientists have only just figured out that the big bang didn't just happen, there was a universe before that. 



If this is true then did people not question why Christians were using  Pagan symbols like crosses and passing off Pagan Celebrations as things that Jesus had done? 

Of course they did. The Greek philosopher, Celsus who lived in the 2nd century called bullshit on the whole thing but he was happy enough if the then Christians behaved like good people .... so much for Christian persecution. 

From the time of St Justin in the 2nd century the church leaders decided that anything that predated Jesus which was all the mythology used for the creation of Jesus, the temples and the hundreds of years of worship to other gods was obviously made up by the Devil ..... seriously that is all they could think of. 

I never want to hear a Christian slag off a Creationist Christian ever! .... yer just as dumb.
 
    
Yes eggs represent birth and rebirth, rabbits are fertile wee fuckers and the gods are created by man.
  
Now before you go crying that everything you've based yer life on is a lie and how can you be so stupid? ..... I don't know how you can be so stupid so don't ask me.


Remember that it's not about stories of super beings like Thor, Superman or Jesus, it's about you and yer relationship with nature and the universe. The 'my imaginary friend can beat yers up'  idea is just so primate and born out of fear and paranoia. 

Yes there has been gods since the dawn of man ... maybe before that. Just because many Pagans were put to the sword in the name of the new god doesn't make it the best one. 

Yer human brain is too small to think about the vastness of the universe and yer connection to it. You sit there wishing this post would end with a pile of neglected dishes that need done and you don't feel very connected at all ... unless it's Wi -fi.


These gods and goddesses are merely a way for us to relate to the universe, we invoke those gods who we think can look after us the best. We bug them with our silly concerns and still continue to pray to them no matter how many times they let you doon.   Why should they listen, why should they care? 
Lets sacrifice a goat to the gods .... the gods say, "oh great another goat, just what I wanted."

What we are really praying to isn't blokes with beards and tridents or chicks who claim not to know how they got pregnant cos all they've done is anal and it's not like spunk can drip into yer vadge ...is it? 

We are praying to ourselves because we are all divine. All of us are made from stardust we are already connected as we are to our ancestors who we share DNA with. The whole point was to wake up yer inner god, the one bogged doon by worry over the bills or yer child's future, that is who you are praying to and you don't even know it. 

Many people deny the gods or deny certain gods ... would an open mind harm you any? 

It does annoy Old Knudsen when religion and the history of gets, not presented as fact but you just know that some stupid cunt out there is going to believe it.

The Devil is in the details .... ignore it all because we don't know and can't be sure of anything.    


Except that yer a cunt.








Tuesday, 15 April 2014

How To Be Attractive To Someone Who Knows You

German researchers interrupted their plans for world domination to figure out why their wives didn't want to shag them anymore. Was it the cabbage smell they leave in the bathroom or way they farted at the dinner table and said "Guten arse?"

Why would you not want all of this?

They came to the conclusion that weemen's sex drive lessened if they were in a secure relationship, nothing to do with hormones, depression or the way relationships change and evolve etc but because the weemen felt secure .... or rather pretty sure that their husbands couldn't be arsed to divorce them. It takes time and effort fighting in court for the hoose and making sure the kids stay with their mom without you paying for them.

I'm gonna divorce yer fat lazy ass, get a red sports car and an 18 year-old girlfriend cos I'm a real fucking catch, I had an 18 year-old gymnast 20 years ago so no reason I can't now. 

The researchers found that men's sex drive tended to remain the same. They put this down to not want to get cuckolded by another male.


So ya gotta be jealous and controlling .... did he just look at my wife, I'd better get home and fuck the life out of her.

What a load of arse juice! According to Dr Dietrich Klusmann, the lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital he puts it doon to human evolution and attracting mates. So weemen get the potential partners all worked up and then when they have them they say, "fooled ya, I ain't putting that in my mouth again"  I knew it! Weeman are evil!



I got him to dump all his friends and change all his ways because I see potential in his breeding material and he shall be my slave, Mwahahahaha!  

Weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they don't suck  ~ Jesus. 

What Dr Klusmann didn't say was who it was that the men wanted to have sex with. Not much of a maid but she's cheap.


Old Knudsen has had more marriages than he can remember so he's a bit of an expert so listen up all you insecure men, here is how to have a long, sex filled marriage .... if you want one.

Treat her mean and keep her keen. Constantly tell her how worthless she is and that yer this close to divorcing her, the last thing you want is to let her feel loved or secure cos then the magic dies, she stops watching her figure and never does those things that you based yer relationship on.

Here is an example of the daily affirmation she should hear. "Yer old, fat and ugly no one else will ever want you, I'm not sure why I stay married to you" she'll be sucking you off with yer favourite butt plug up yer ass in no time, she'll probably be begging you for it in no time.   

Or alternatively you can wonder does anyone really take Germans seriously? Freud was Austrian which as we all know is German (don't bullshit us) and he knew fuck all even though he is considered Father of Psychoanalysis but seriously the man was a box of dicks.

Listen to Nietzsche, " When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory."



Monday, 14 April 2014

Waiting For Ragnarok


 Fucking birds, I'll show you angry, I'll show you yer doom!

Sooo post number 3351 ..... I'm running out of ideas, lets talk about our feelings. Old Knudsen feels unappreciated, let doon, betrayed, alone and maybe his Da could have hugged him more, oh and Old Knudsen's pussy is bleeding ..... fuck I hate cats.

Away an fuck, Old Knudsen is as cold as a forgotten about cup of tea, feelings are for the weak, snap out of it!
What happened with yon Ragnarok experts who said the world would end on 22nd February 2014? fuck all happened. There was a meteorite explosion over Arkansas and some floods in England but no Wolf named Skoll devouring the sun nor did Fenrir the wolf break free from his invisible chains . The winter wolf Hati did not eat the moon.

 I'm freeeee!
No wolves at all as far as I remember. Jormungand the world serpent did not battle Thor causing the seas to bubble and churn. Fenrir did not fight Odin, finally swallowing him then was beat to death by Odin's son Vidar.  Lots of swallowing, wrestling with snakes and beating the wolf ..... sounds more like Pentecostal than Norse. 


The gigantic hound Garm didn't fight a one handed bloke named Tyr, to the death. The giant Surt did not go around flinging fire like a monkey with a handful of it's own feces. The earth didn't sink and burn with brother fighting against brother and all morality gone.

No wait, that was a Saturday. I had this lovely lass over for tea and chess, no morality in sight on that night ..... Ka - Chow! 


A couple of deep water Oarfish washed up in Callyfornia , nothing for Snorri Sturluson to write home about. 
Yes all of that was no doubt a disinformation exercise paid for by Heinz who as I've told you before spread rumours of the end of the world so people stock up on cans of beans. 

Old Knudsen is onto them, Secretary of State John Kerry going around the world with his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry .... aye of the bean fame bringing the world to the brink of WWIII just to sell beans. 

Last week Old Knudsen went on the attack via the Hoose of Lords. He got his pal Labour peer Viscount Simon to ask about the impact human baked bean emissions are having on climate change.

Aye that'll shake you up, if I said about the end of the world stocking up that would just sound crazy and who would take that seriously? even though it's true! 

The UK has the largest production and consumption of baked beans in the world, not because we love the taste but because we're paranoid fuckers, oh and we're lazy and hate our kids, when yer children are nagging you to get out of bed cos they want dinner or something cuntish like that you can just throw a can at them ...... dinner sorted and if you hit them you'll get something to smile about.




 

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Sexy Sunday With 4% More Something

 1
 
Are you over yer shock treatment of last week? Don't worry it's all a plan to rid you Christians of yer incorrect thoughts regarding children. It will be Easter soon and that is a time notorious for Christian activity ... disgusting!
 2
Now back to the impure thoughts about adults, not kids. What is this lass looking at? maybe it's you looking all smug and pious after returning from church, that really turns her on.
 3
This one is waiting for you to show an interest in her hotness instead of the school run.
 4
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things and surfed the Interweb for adult porn ~ John the Bapster. 
5
Google searches like 'crucified up skirt pics' 
6
Liking men is fine, many people do however with a different standard of beauty you don't just want men with abs and sticking up hair, men have to be handy. The way to a woman's heart is not just through her rib cage but if you can amaze them with yer wood working skills and hug the odd puppy then yer in. 
7
We aren't just walking slabs of sex to be objectified, real men have curves! 
As do real weemen .... you can objectify them as they are used to it and enable you to do so.
9
You won't see these on a 5 year-old.
10

Remember, God is watching, not yer pedo Christian god but a real one who don't take shit so behave.



Saturday, 12 April 2014

A Close Shave Zombie Attack

I'm dead, I'm supposed to smell, what's your excuse egg and onion boy ?

I like zombies and I can't deny. Something about being allowed to kill people without fear of prison and hey, they aren't really people, just like those half naked hoors on the Interwebs who aren't really people either. 

"You don't know my name, nor do you care. Fill your trashcan with Kleenex in my honour."

Ya don't have to tell Old Knudsen twice.  So a couple of things I've noticed about the living deed, you don't get zombies with beards. Maybe the odd closely trimmed goatee but not a real manly beard. 


Of course there is always some fucker like Hershel here to be an exception to the rule.  Hershel (from the walking dead) was killed by a human so that doesn't count. Does beards make you invulnerable to zombie attacks then? 
A 2010 report said that men with beards were more honest than those without, maybe zombies can't handle the truth.

Then again maybe zombies see beardies as really tasty food and that is why you don't see any. 

You have movie titles like Night of the living dead and Day of the dead and while Dawn of the dead has the word dawn in it that means beginning rather than in the morning. I can't imagine that zombies are really good morning people considering the amount of anger and resentment they carry around.  I bet that zombies lie in until noon like civilised people do. 

"You aren't going to make it through the night Mrs Wilson so you lie in and get some rest before you try to eat people.....  Is my husband here? ..... Fucks sake you stupid bint, your husband died 30 years ago, that's all we need zombies with Alzheimers ..... Are you my daughter? ..... in yer dreams."  

The Morning of the dead,  "Lets hide in the rest home, those zombies are less aggressive as they don't know what time of the day it is and forget to put their dentures or just forget to attack you ..... nice beard by the way. "

Just as long as you don't have any children in yer group as bored old people are attracted to children in the same way that sharks go for chum. 


If the zombie apocalypse happens on a Saturday night the UK will only find out on Monday as no one will notice on Saturday as staggering, aggressive people are the norm and with Sunday being the day of rest when God slept off his hangover the news outlets also have hangovers and don't report fresh news. 

Saturday of the living dead ....... 

 

Friday, 11 April 2014

George W Bush Paints Jesus

George W Bush recently surprised everyone with his intimate portraits of world leaders copied from Goggle search results. Who would have guessed he was sooo deep?    

He has now unveiled another portrait just in time for Easter of another friend, Jesus H Christ. Just look at the compassion and the pain captured in the eyes. This face almost speaks to you from 2000 years ago saying, "I died for yer sins whether you like it or not, fuck my neck is sore ow."

Painting portraits almost makes you forget how he ruined America's economy, got her into two un-winnable wars that has killed many of America's young people, not to mention the torture camps, the Haliburton embezzlement and shitting on the rights of the American people which continues today ..... almost.


Bathed in a glow of righteousness, curious George still lives in his elitist bubble and signs his pictures '43' in case you had forgotten he was once important.  

PSNI Issued With Chinese Guns

PSNI ghetto bird has lovely plumage.

Coming up to the weekend and Old Knudsen expects to hear the sound of  the PSNI (Police Service of Northern Ireland) Eurocopter or Eurotrash as Old Knudsen calls it flying around giving air support to police on the ground as they raid hooses for criminals who thought they got away with shit. 

An arresting sight, sorry what, my sandwich is over there? Yer legs aren't broken, go and fetch it then.

An annoying thing that the PSNI do is not to arrest people at the scene of the crime if it's a riot or something. If they do arrest anyone it's because the criminal either threw themselves at their handcuffs or begged for it. 
They take video of everyone and try to figure out who these people are later, everyone knows each other in Northern Ireland as it's just like living in a small town, same attitudes too. 
So you'll get people being arrested maybe up to 3 months later if they think it's a highly volatile situation that could upset the peace process or upset the criminals as being rude to them is a violation of their human rights.... well that's what it seems like. 

 The porn mustache has been popular for decades in Northern Ireland, seen here in 1996. 

Back in the day pre 1998 peace agreement which got the majority of British troops out of Northern Ireland and disbanded the then police force the RUC (Royal Ulster Constabulary) in favour of the now PSNI we had a police force that did not take any shit. 

The RUC were mostly Protestant and many of them were bias against Catholics which is why we got rid of them. The PSNI still gets a lot of the shit the RUC got which shows you can't please everyone. Back then the weemen didn't have firearms as they only recruited big beefy leezer types. There weren't very many weemen in the police .... no shit, maybe it was a lack of guns and an environment of sexism. 

If you called the RUC out to a disturbance, anyone thinking about causing trouble found somewhere else to be, the police would grab troublemakers and take them in just so they could slap them about to deter their criminal ways. 
Now the PSNI ask people politely to behave. With the bigotry also went the balls. The modern day police farce is young men and weemen with too much sensitivity training and very little police training.     

Look, they threw a patrol bomb at Tom, how rude, someone should do something.

Every time there is some civil unrest (every other week) the news reports how 3 or so officers were hurt during violence, never if any criminals were hurt. I suspect they feel the need to justify arresting people as destroying property and attacking the police is normal Northern Ireland behaviour. Even arresting people isn't what it seems. 
It sounds good but in Northern Ireland arresting people means they have just brought them in for questioning they are not actually charged with anything. They'll probably release them after a few hours. 


Old Knudsen found out something else. The reason they never use their sidearms is because they have been issued with toy guns. The LAPD will shoot you for jay-walking for fucks sake but the PSNI never shoot anyone, they won't even fire a warning shot when surrounded by an armed angry mob, well the bullet might hit a bird or something which would upset the environmentalists. 

Using a taser or pepper spray will more likely get the officer into trouble than the criminal.



Some of the officers are cunning enough to remove the orange tip or use a sharpie on it to colour it black but there are other ways in telling if they are using a fake gun or not. 

So next time you see a police officer and you ask them if you can handle their guns and they say no ... now you know why.