Thursday, 27 November 2014

Thanksgiving Arses


My cap is off to whoever created this picture and I don't mean Norman Rockwell. Happy Thanksgiving to all my American peeps and please take time to think about all of those less fortunate than you .... like the French.

Also happiness and safety to those serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, though we've pulled our troops out except they are still there. You are fighting though not really technically for our freedoms and huge greasy arses, we salute you.



Leave Bill Cosby Alone!

Since when did having rapey eyes become a crime? 

Bill Cosby sets the standards, he has always been there as the American fatherly role model, he's white friendly and will roll his eyes and do a funny dance to amuse all. He never swears during his stage routines and always gave younger black people his advice like, "Pull your boots up, stop acting black and get a job!"


Nobody is perfect and Bill Cosby tends to drug and rape mostly white women ... aye the worse fear of the right wing conservatives who still believe in segregation. 

Should we forgive ol Bill? sure why not? We forgave Woody Allen who abused his own daughter, in fact many actors see working with that goofy looking little kid fucker as an honour. Many also recently supported Roman Polanski too because he's on the fringes of Hollywood and it's good for their resume. 
Many people still believe that Michael Jackson just slept in beds with young kids, nothing more. Jacko just seemed so normal so how could you even think he'd do anything inappropriate? 



NBC recently cancelled the show they were going to make with Cosby solely based on rape rumours. Well maybe they knew something else, maybe Frank Scotti a former NBC facilities manager told them of how he used to pay women off for Cosby and about the "arrangement" a modeling company had with Cosby to send his models, some as young as 16 to "interview" in his dressing room. 

One woman pretended to have an infection ... luckily he knew of another hole.

13 women have accused Cosby of rape, some cases going back to the 60's and 70's of course you have people saying, 'why did they wait so long?' and 'they must be after money' .... do you know how hard it is to go after someone as famous and as media savvy as Cosby? You'd have better chance of getting a cop arrested for shooting an unarmed perpetrator. 

Many of the people who accused Jimmy Savile of abuse could only do so after his death because Savile was wealthy, he did lots of charity work and was knighted by both the Queen and the Pope, talk about connections. 


Victims of Cosby have told how every time they heard his name he was getting awarded a medal or an honourary doctorate, how could you go up against that? 
His method of rape was to either give his victims a pill to help them relax or to slip it into their drink without their knowledge or he'd just whip his dick out at you. 

The women coming forward are long in the tooth and with nothing to gain except the exposure of a rapist. 
Hoping the allegations would go away Cosby had remained silent when asked about them and even told a reporter to "scuttle" the question and response in an interview he did.  "I think if you want to consider yourself to be serious that it will not appear anywhere."
          

Usually I'm all for lynching rapists and pedos but he's black so I don't want to be accused of being racist. I'm sure his victims would want him to be let off the hook cos he's so lovable, look look, he's doing one of those uncle Tom faces while wearing an 80's sweater ..... comedy fucking gold! 

On second thoughts I never liked the Cosby show and found him annoying, hang the fucker!


Terrence Howard has been arrested and accused on 6 occasions for beating women and thinks that Chris Brown is a good guy. Stay tuned for more fun from this role model over the years. 

Don Cheadle is a far better James “Rhodey” Rhodes anyway, just because you wear a military uniform you still have to make the audience believe that you could have actually been in the military, Howard is 100% civvie and not a great actor. 

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Julien Blanc The Most Hated Loser

Blue steel and crazy eyes, now that's hawt!

You may have heard of a bloke named Julien Blank, er sorry Blanc who says he's a pick up artist. Well he has been denied a UK visa because he promotes violence on weemen. I didn't know it needed promoting I thought it was a pretty successful concept already. 

The Swiss born American was named the most hated man in the world by Time magazine which probably really annoyed a lot of ISIS fighters, I just beheaded 4 men and 2 children and he gets called the most hated? Assad uses chemical weapons on civilians but yet ..... Obama orders drone strikes on whoever he wants and yet ......

The people of Time really need to get out more as this guy is just a prick, nothing special, you can meet 10 guys like him every day, their mammies told them they were special and waited on them hand and foot.

He can't cook or use a washing machine because that's what weemen do. 

What the fuck is with his name? Julien .... might as well called him wussy boy, no wonder he has weemen issues he's got a gurl's name, just like yon rapist Assange. The 26 year-old boy tells men how to pick up chicks by manipulation because a 26 year-old knows everything. 

"Make Girls BEG To Sleep With You After SHORT-CIRCUITING Their Emotional And Logical Mind” and develop “panty-dropping masculinity with this rock-solid structure to self-generate the powerful emotions girls crave."   

What does he do to the gurls, take away their little pony toy as leverage? Does he posses panty dropping masculinity? He looks like every other little bloke with an over inflated ego. He is quietly spoken and not very believable, you know that when he speaks he's lying. He sounds like psychic medium John Edwards but with less accent and a lot more timid. He doesn't look particularly hunky or attractive, he just looks very very average.

If I put money on the chances of him being a coward and a bully I bet I'd win.

 

He took a chart about domestic abuse and changed it to teach his methods. Smash things to scare her, abuse pets, put her doon and make her think she's crazy, treat her like a servant.  I bet the weemen reading this are gushing away from their trenches of stenches. "OMG finally a man who knows what women want."


While in Japan he demonstrated his techniques such as pushing a woman's head into his crotch, putting his hand around their necks and kissing their necks and ears. The weemen in his videos appear uncomfortable and anxious much like the women from the Sam Pepper videos who reacted with nervous giggling when faced with outright sexual assaults when Pepper grabbed their arses when they weren't looking.  

 A photo Robin Thicke's now ex wife did not appreciate.

It's like a whole race of Blurred lines fellas and some women are stupid enough to encourage them.

When interviewed on CNN about his methods Blanc went on the defensive and tried to appear conciliatory saying that everything was taken out of context, the t-shirt in the first picture, the graph and putting his hand around weemen's necks were all just bad attempts of humour. 

In the graph you can see the bit that says, 'make light of  the abuse ' and 'do not take her concerns seriously' and 'say the abuse didn't happen.' that was the angle he took, the presenter wasn't buying it for one moment, Blanc is very insincere and a bad liar. His moves and methods are textbook abuser.
 
Blue steel look again. 

I'd imagine this is how his seminars go. 'I'm gonna teach you how to be confident with girls and teach you how to confuse and trick the bitches into letting you empty your spunk into them.'

'First you just ask, will you have sex with me? If you ask 500 girls you might get one who really hates themselves or wants to get back at their boyfriend and will say yes.'

'When they say no tell them how pretty their eyes are ... still no? Then make fun of them for being lesbian or stuck up ... still no? Then steal their phone and threaten to send rude texts to their parents ... still no? Then tell her you are going to kill yourself if she doesn't give you head ... still no? Then tell her that you love her and how special she is ... still no? Wow, what a tough one but I've had tougher. 
Grab her throat and tell her she has no choice for you are a wizard of great power and will destroy all of humanity ... still no? Hold onto her leg and cry very loudly and don't let go unless someone threatens to hurt you, use that threat to make her feel sorry for you.'

'If you don't get laid after that then you're actually gay but in denial so give up, and sorry, I don't do refunds.' 

Blanc isn't a man, he's a lowlife boy who has found out he can con desperate forever alone blokes out of their money.  $2,000 (£1,250) for his seminars, for that you'd expect a shoulder rub and a happy ending.  The reason he was banned from the UK is because he might encourage violence towards women. 

He can get banned because he is not a British or EU national so fuck yooouuu! I can't believe that anyone would believe a shit like this. 

Humour and confidence do help you pick up weemen, learning when and where the right time to try  might also help too, the main trick to pimp yer game is ...... wait for it, treat weemen as people, as equals, with respect and manners. 
Some damaged weemen may fall for his techniques and some women are dumb enough to chase after bad boys and wonder why they get treated like shit but in general just stop being so fucking desperate.

Julien Blanc, not in my name! 

No one can give you a handjob as good as yerself, if you can't be with the one you love then love yer loving fist. 


Heaven Found In Clouds


Scientists from the West Tennessee University of Christ say they have found proof for the existence of God and indeed Heaven itself.

After a month long expedition to find the place where Moses landed the Ark after the great flood they were returning to the US by plane and happened to notice a set of gates in the clouds. They circled the gates and got closer until a famous figure came out to them.


Newton Granger senior God spotter said, "It was definitely our lord God I'd recognize him anywhere. He came flying out very angry, shouting at us to get off his cloud and threatened to slay us and our families and friends laying waste to every city we've ever set foot in, that's the kind of thing you'd expect to hear from him so I am indeed very pleased."

Old Knudsen always admits when he's wrong .... aye he's never wrong. First there is all the stuff said in the Bible and now this. I guess the Christian God does exist, I hope he's not as pissed off and blood thirsty as he is in the Bible, lets hope he has mellowed out over the past couple of thousand years. 


Tuesday, 25 November 2014

We'll Always Have Paris


The high pitched nee neh nee neh of the French police siren was designed to annoy rather than to alert other drivers, most of French culture is designed to annoy.
The siren with that specific tone and the adrenaline you already feel makes you make mistakes, like the panic you feel when yer 'It's raining men' ring tone goes off really loudly in the cinema and you scramble for yer phone in the dark while everyone tuts.   

Old Knudsen shifted gears and without thinking, his muscle memory doing that much practiced dance, two police cars on his tail as he weaved through the busy streets of Paris.

Police attention is an inconvenience when yer on a top secret mission, a blown spy is a useless one, getting paraded in the media with yer fake wig shoved on yer head as the guards laugh at you is one way to end up working in the I.T. department or posted to some far fling butt fuck embassy.

The police were gaining, for the first time in years Old Knudsen felt as if he had the chance of failing. Swerving at top speed he narrowly missed a truck, thank fuck it had good brakes. Think, think, what to do.

Old Knudsen's mind wandered to the previous night snorting coke of a midget hooker's arse, no think of something else, what would yer training officer say? It had been too many years to count and Old Knudsen being ex-military had already been trained to not think for himself so training had been difficult, any acronyms ELITE  Evade ... keeping running, what I'm doing now, Lie .... just bullshit yer way out, I've never been good at that, Intimidate .... scare them into not wanting to come after me, Takedown ..... put them down with a bloody nose and run, Emasculate ..... some guys aren't so tough when they have to grapple with another naked bloke who has a bigger cock than they do. 

Ach that's no good I'm think I'm past those and besides the French love to wrestle naked men it's what they do.
"If in danger or in doubt, turn around and shoot it out" aye I'm no gonna lose them so that is my only option.
Old Knudsen skided to a stop and got off his 10 speed bicycle, he pulled out his twin .357 Desert Eagles from his two shoulder holsters under his tweed jacket and started to fire at the oncoming police cars.
The heavy caliber bullets tore into the police cars putting the drivers into a panic, aye this old spy still had teeth. The first car crashed to a stop into the side of a bus full of children and the second went into its back. His 18 rounds fired he holstered his guns and opened his eyes for the first time since firing.

Oh they were ambulances, what the fuck does MEDICIN  and SAMU mean anyways? They should know better than to ride up the ass of a cyclist who is on heavy medication and possibly drunk.

My mission was still a go.

A list of top operatives had been stolen, if that file got into the wrong hands then hundreds of people who have been undercover for years living seemingly normal lives or in positions of power would be in danger.

Merkel and Putin have been known to personally take care of spies and traitors making it long and as painful as possible for them to die to set an example to others.

I jumped back onto my bike, shifted gears and took off at speed .... well it seemed fast to me.

I made my way to the Rue Saint-Lazare the sweat was pouring off me like gravy, there I'd meet a contact at the Delaroche Hotel.

I walked through the heavy glass doors and as I took off my bicycle clips I surveyed the room to check for enemy agents and hot weemen, it was Paris, all the women were hot, if not a little hairy.


The elegant bar in the lobby full of fancy mirrors and coloured glass lamp shades had about 8 people in it, she sat by the wall in semi shadow, easy for an amateur to miss, she wouldn't miss a thing as she had full view of who came in or out.

I sucked in my stomach and walked over to her. A perfect chameleon she blended in effortlessly as she sipped on a wine. Nice to see you again Anna, it's been ..... "It's been too long, why have you not come to Moscow and fulfilled my need for a father figure?"


Ever since Anna Chapman got caught spying and sent back to Russia our intense physical relationship has been strained, she is way too needy anyways, Old Knudsen is like the wind and not meant for just one sail. She wanted a drawer to keep her spare throwing knives in and to share me dead letter box. 

"I just missed you in Istanbul" ... aye lass, don't worry, it was a tricky shot and the glare of the sun probably blinded you a little.

 
Poor Anna, she has been coming up with ingenious plans to ambush Old Knudsen but she always forgets the number one rule, always use lube .... no the number two rule, don't get emotionally attached or leave DNA at the scene.

Now Anna, you know how important this file is, many people who consider themselves my friend will probably die horribly if it falls into the wrong hands, the stability of Europe will be totally destroyed as the US and the UK will have to admit to wide scale, long term spying on everyone. "Yes my ninja of love I know what is at stake, we're prepared to give you £5000 for it".... oh, is that a lot of money? "Well you could certainly get a room here and order champagne while I slip into something revealing yet not very practical and then you could slip into me."

What the hey that was more than Germans had offered, the Chinese would pay more but I had one in the chamber and I was ready to burst so I accepted her offer. 

I know all there is to know about the spying game. The file got to Moscow and it turned out that it was a decoy to flush out moles, you cannae trust anyone these days, luckily I had a patsy take the fall.

Now Putin is after me for £5000 and for getting his spy up the duff, you only think you have troubles.  

   

Monday, 24 November 2014

Scientists To Probe New Assteroid




Scientists are hoping to land a probe on the giant asteroid 69K/Chekhov-Gryziński. Much in the same way the Rosetta lander did but without ugly ass shirts and with more grappling hooks due to the greasy nature of the asteroid's surface.  

Project scientist Matt Tyler said, "We'll land the Black Mamba lander on the surface of
69K/Chekhov-
Gryziński and we'll dig in, yes we'll totally tap that asteroid."

Scientists are hoping that the information sent back will prove how much of the asteroid is made up of photoshop and wet dreams. 

 

Bono Avoids Death

A lot of people weren't happy about getting the U2 LP "Songs of Innocence” gifted into their iTunes music library whether they wanted it or not and so may or may not have hired Old Knudsen to assassinate Bono. 

Yes thousands of people texted £3 to have him killed. Just text KILLBONO to 85444 and see that just £3 can make a difference in someone's life .... probably his. And his wife's life when I give her a shoulder to cry on.

So off to Dublin where I learned my lesson, never buy explosives from the IRA. Oh yeah my man is Libyan trained he knows bombs. I should have known better when he went to shake my hand and he only had 2 fingers left. No wonder they lost against the Brits. 

So you may have heard that the luggage door of Bono's Lear jet blew off mid flight on the way to Berlin, all his clothes went. If you see some French twat in short leather troosers and sunglasses you'll know where he got them.

Don't worry Bono made it safely to Germany. 

Before I knew it he was off to New York so I had to get a move on. When I got to New York I hit all of their stupid nanny state laws and so I had to go all the way to New Jersey to the North Bergen Walmart Supercenter to buy a sniper rifle. You can't just go in and buy one that would be crazy, I had to wait at least 20 minutes for them to get one from the back. 

I hired some sources on the street to inform me of Bono's where abouts. I then assumed a position over looking Central park, I always take the moral high ground ....  or grassy knoll. 

My source on the ground, a young lass out to prove herself shouted something about him being too old to cycle which got his back up. Bono and the gurl were tearing through Central park, she manipulated the route so he'd be right in my cross hairs, after some high energy bicycle racing he declared himself the winner and that is when I took my shot, right into a nearby tree.

I must add that ever since me right eye hung out of it's socket for an hour during the Battle of Balaclava against the Russians a few years back I've been having trouble with blurry vision, maybe I should have gone hand to hand in a dark alleyway with Bono, for some reason he is always going doon dark alleyways. 

Lucky the young gurl was a sore loser and rammed Bono from behind ... I bet that isn't the first time he's been rammed from behind.    

Bono fell off his bicycle and landed right on his ego breaking his left arm in 6 places, breaking his shoulder blade into three, breaking his left eye socket and fracturing 4 bones in his penis, he also heard someone laugh which hurt his feelings in 4 places. 

He has had to have 3 metal plates, a hinge, a brass nameplate and 18 screws installed, also his nose tapered, his eyelids lifted and some hair plugs put in.   


 I just heard of a new tax dodging scheme, you'll save millions, I'll tell you later.

Luckily Bono had already recorded his squealing for the new release of the old Bandaid song Do they know it's deadly, proceeds going to help the starving people of Ebola.     

If Bono had not been able to record it then Geldof would have said some snarky passive aggressive comment about him like he did with Adele who was busy doing other things to drop everything for Sir Bob. 

While recuperating in hospital Bono thanked Jimmy Fallon for understanding why he couldn't make it to his show and he also said, "To the little shite on the trike, you've messed with the wrong man, I'm Bono the greatest person alive since Jesus, I will find you and fuck you up."    

So Old Knudsen is a little rusty and Bono is still alive, this story is not an admission of guilt as the prescription drugs I take for me Alzheimer's, depression, dodgy knee and hemorrhoids clears me of all wrong doing according to my lawyer and he's Jewish so he knows all the loopholes. 

The wee Irish man has suffered, sure after yon Bloody Sunday song he totally deserves it so I'm keeping all the money.  Until my next job I suppose I'll just have to practice on normal less famous people. 

Speaking of which, for just £3 you can pay for water purifying packets for the people of Ebola .... or you can get rid of Kayne West, yer choice. 


  

Sunday, 23 November 2014

The Plague Infested Lemurs Of Madagascar

You may have thought that with Old Knudsen changing his medication that he gave up his fight against the oncoming lemur invasion. He has merely been laying low but still contacting the relevant authorities on their evil lemur activities.

On the lemurian homeland of  Madagascar the furry wee fuckers have been busy working on biological agents to rid the planet of this human infestation .... their words, not mine.


In the secret labs in the city of Antananarivo, lemur/human hybrids work under the supervision of one of the Overlords to find new and exciting strains of disease in which to infect humans with.

Fruit bats infected with Ebola were released from here at the end of last year with orders to infect the local food chain known as bush meat .... we'd call them monkeys. Lemurs despise monkeys in much of the way an English person would hate an Irish person and so do not care about monkey deaths or using them as Ebola fodder.

Mouth watering, don't you just want to stick a pin in that?

The lemurs have broken out an oldie but goodie. Forty people have died so far from bubonic plague in Madagascar with at least 80 others infected. Plague maybe a classic but compared to Ebola it's just a sniffle. It is thought that many modern Europeans whose ancestors survived the plague back in ye olden times may have a natural immunity for it today.

Old Knudsen catches many a plague or crotch rot just so future generations may be rewarded. Nothing to do with me sex addiction, I'm being altruistic .... yer welcome. 

Look at how those bulging eyes burn into yer soul judging you with their scorn.

If diagnosed early, bubonic plague can be treated with antibiotics but how long will it be before they create an antibiotic resistant strain? The level of rats in Madagascar combined with the high population density of the cities make the perfect storm for a flea infested rat epidemic to occur. The pneumonic form of the disease is the most dangerous one with 2% of the cases having it, that means it can be spread via cough. 

The rat infested prisons are a major worry for the World Health Organisation, the prisoners don't like it much either.  

Lemurs have infiltrated all levels of society, even the lowest.

The lemurs do indeed have a rat breeding program going on along with their fruit bat and bird programs. Lemurs are the real danger not Al Qaeda,  Al-Shabab, Boko Harem or ISIS and are at the moment planning to carry out attacks on US soil and probably other surfaces such as asphalt and concrete. 
Are all yer US drones tied up in Afghanistan or can ya spare a few for Madagascar? 

US troops are hoping to be doon to 9,800 by the end of this year in Ganners and were to be only used to advise and train, now they'll be allowed to fight again so not really getting withdrawn from there, yes Obama is a lemur.   

Some may say that Old Knudsen is insane and he'll say WHO THE HELL GAVE YOU A FUCKING PH FUCKING D IN PSYCHOLOGY? Or he may just brand you an agent for disinformation. 

Willie Frazer has never responded to Old Knudsen's accusations of being a lemur hybrid.

Not to sound paranoid but lemurs are everywhere and are always watching us. Do you know someone of limited mental capacity who seems just a tad creepy? probably a lemur hybrid. Sometimes they  slip up and forget to use the membrane that makes their eyes look human and then there is the smell, like cat pee and pine. They cover it up with lots and lots of perfume or deodorant.

Those smelly old people in yer way in the grocery store .... lemur/hybrids, it makes their day if they piss off a human, it's what they were made to do.

They play a dangerous game of provoking, inciting and instigating events that can only be described as farcical. Their limited IQ means that they have no higher reasoning abilities and see things in black and white ..... it's their fault, I'm innocent, it's not fair!  

Ever just see someone and think, if there is a god then why the fuck would he waste the gift of life on a total wank stain like that?   

Lemurs are out there, lemurs are real and lemurs know where you sleep at night.


The Sexy Sunday Battle

And don't forget the never ending war against pedophilia and the objectification of weemen. It is my hope that pedos will stop being sick fuckers and get turned on by adults and that those who see weemen as mere sex and sandwich making objects will cum to view them as people.

It is a hard, long road I travel and with many detractors along the way .... oh and many defarmers too but with my strong right hand I will keep fighting .  

And thanks to all those who send me selfies in my constant battle against something. Many of you were too ugly to post but I tried to lower my standards as to not offend you. Onwards to victory!  

Saturday, 22 November 2014

GM Genocide


Since he's Indian I wonder if he has any rape seeds.

270,000 Indian farmers have committed suicide since 1995. Most of these cases have been because they find themselves in debt that they cannot get out of. In 2009 alone,17,683 farmers killed themselves as their crops began to fail. Many are blaming the company Monsanto for these deaths as Monsanto has changed the way India has grown crops since 1988.

Most seeds used by farmers in India are GM seeds, in fact  95%  of India’s cotton seed is now controlled by Monsanto.
The genetically engineered cotton seeds have a gene and a protein that is toxic to the bollworm which is cotton's main pest, the plants grow faster, require less water and produce a greater yield than normal non GM seeds. The main problem is that they cost 4 times more and you can't re-seed them after each harvest, you have to keep buying more seeds.

Hauling water, pollinating and picking by hand still has to get done, it's a tough life and one lived in poverty no matter how hard or long you work. 

A nice little earner that Monsanto have going on there, capitalism at it's best. The bollworm can become resistant to the built in pesticides and so the farmers also have to buy pesticides, many of which are banned in Europe and the US. The farmers don't wear protective gear since most workers are usually paid well below a living wage and so they are bound to have health problems.

So you have to buy Monsanto seeds, sometimes you have to buy a Monsanto protein additive or fertilizer and can only use Monsanto pesticides on yer crops. Have you figured out who the big winner is in this set up yet?
 

Before you go thinking that the company who created the Agent Orange poison in Nam and has been killing off all the bees with their hidden pesticides are evil I must tell you this. Monsanto investigated the possibility that they were responsible for farmers in debt drinking Monsanto pesticides or hanging themselves from trees and found that they were not responsible .... so there.

Monsanto aims at owning the patent on every crop that is grown on Earth, when GM pollen gets blown over the US border into Mexico and pollinates their corn Monsanto sues them for unknowingly using their products. Is it any wonder that over 5 million farmers have a lawsuit against Monsanto?

Mexico has implemented a temporary ban on the Monsanto seed monopoly but India is already too deep. If you grow normal crops the chances are they'll get pollinated by yer Monsanto neighbour and Monsanto will come looking for their money.

Monsanto science is not feeding the world it's destroying nature with its terminator technology that prohibits reseeding by selling sterile plants and is making super pests and super weeds. It's only a matter of time before nature outdoes this evil science completely and nothing we grow will live. 

Friday, 21 November 2014

Chocolate Apocalypse

What you can expect to see on the streets.

Due to the drought in Brazil the world's coffee crop will be the smallest in the last 7 years at only a miserable 29.5 million bags.
  

Angry Hipsters pouring yer daily cup of scorn will laugh at yer loyalty cards as you beg them for a large size .... sorry we're on rations. Befriend yer coffee pourer now cos they may be the only ones able to hook you up in the mornings. 

Experts warn of high levels of crime and domestic violence ... mostly in the mornings, people will lose their jobs as they are unable to deal with the usual level of bullshit, charities will get fuck all donations and of course gun sales will rise. 
'Because fuck you, that's why' will become the slogan of the coffee generation. People who drink tea will be beaten to death for being smug. 


Many patients in hospitals all over the world will die as staff give the wrong meds and generally don't give a fuck, teachers will slaughter their pupils as they prove that there is such a thing as a stupid question and office workers will turn their work environments into thunderdome like arenas in which that bitch who talked behind yer back gets stapled to death cos then you were on the moral highground with yer coffee grounds but now it's on.   

Personal grooming just doesn't get done and if you can't have coffee then why should yer kids get a lunch for school?  

I just got a Caffè mocha, now I can stop dreaming about licking Halle Berry lol!  

If you get coffee don't brag about it or you'll face an angry backlash with abusive texts, #stillnocoffee will trend. 

But it only gets worse.

 Give me chocolate!

When God created woman from the rib of a man he obviously made some errors in regards to her unstable attitude but then he created chocolate and all was well.

Even with strong cocoa crops from Cote d'Ivoire and Ghana the world faces a shortage of chocolate. The world (weemen) are consuming more chocolate than can be made and even Ebola in western Africa threatens the production of it. 

This is where many people stop reading as they frantically donate to charities combating Ebola because now they care. 

 Black people will be victims of non-racist attacks for a change because of their chocolatey skin colour.

Old Knudsen was going to stock pile coffee and chocolate in return for sexual favours but the chance of extreme violence towards him as he suggests they give him head for a Twix seems quite possible.   
Hilary Clinton will run for president on the platform of nuking half the world so there is enough coffee and chocolate for those nations (the Americans) who actually deserve to have it, even the Republicans will vote for her.  Does Benghazi taste like coffee or chocolate? ... then fuck it.
 
 
While many news outlets have declared the suggested worldwide bacon shortage a hoax we see that   Kevin Bacon has increased his workouts. A bacon deprived fan might just take a chunk out of his arm to see if he lives up to his name. 
Old Bitter Balls will monitor Mr Bacon's workouts as that will indicate the probability of a bacon shortage. 

Heinz baked beans had an increase in sales of beans with pork sausages in them during the great bacon scare of 2014, will they start adding chocolate to their beans? 


Thursday, 20 November 2014

Recycling Old People Parts

Off to the knacker's yard for ya.

About half of Britain’s 260 crematoriums have been participating in a scheme (some call them programs but we like to sound shifty) to recycle steel hips, plates, gold teeth and screws that are collected after cremation and sold on with the money raised going to charity.

The Dutch company makes use of the 75 tonnes a year of people junk selling it on to be made into car parts, airplane parts, road signs and household objects. Of course the loved ones are asked to sign a consent form allowing them to do so.

One family who were interested to know if a bullet had been found in their WWII hero father were handed a 1 LBS bag of metal as their father had stepped on a mine and still had shrapnel in his leg. Try scattering those ashes.

It would probably be a little cuntish and disrespectful to not tell the relatives huh?


Welcome to Northern Ireland where cuntishness is the norm and we don't do no respect.

Roselawn Crematorium in Belfast says 'fuck yer dead ... it's time to move on anyways' and have done 11,000 cremations since the scheme started in 2010 and have not mentioned going through loved ones ashes for metal bits.


I bet they didn't use magnets and tongs like they say they do but sifted old uncle Bob using a riddle.

Belfast council said: “It is not deemed necessary to provide this information and no family has ever requested it. However, we keep this under review.”

Uh yeah we also put half of yer granny into the grinder for dog food but since you never asked we didn't think it worth telling you about. 

The National Association of Funeral Directors didn't even know the scheme was happening in Belfast. As well as cuntishness there is also a high level of incompetence throughout this tagnut on the arse of the UK Province.

The city council had not even listed a charity for the 2 tonnes of scrap metal money to go to so instead of local charities that money was divided around other UK charities .... like I said, incompetence.

I also don't like the way they just say, 'oh it goes to charity' charity is not a place nor is it a proper answer. If it went to that Belfast charity that drives mini vans around to get drunk people safely home at night I'd say go fuck off, if they can drink they can get a taxi.   

Recycling people parts is a great idea, have you bought any jewelry since 2010? It might have some gold teeth melted into it or when you make a cup of tea you might be putting someone you know on the boil.

I bet a lot of the ashes you get back are from half the town who have died, people all come out the same. I wonder if they have a set weight to give to people and the rest gets sold as cat litter or something.
I guess it pays to ask a load of questions so some cunt doesn't say, 'well no one asked.'

Yet again another example of how the Nazis were ahead of their time. The ever growing population and dwindling resources I think it's always best to ask what is in the mystery meat yer eating ... aw fuck it, just pass the red sass, as if that would put me off.  


Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Ebola Is Trending In Africa This Christmas Time

Get off my fucking lawn!

Bob Geldof is a miserable looking git for someone who is worth 32 million. Some people just cannot be happy, is it any wonder that people around him kill themselves? Just looking at that face has Old Knudsen reaching for a rope. 

Going by what Peaches said of him he was strict and standoffish towards his kids when their mother Paula Yates killed herself by over dose, Bob seems to care more about the Africans than his own family and even that has limits.
He certainly isn't punk rock at all no matter what his personal grooming says, Mr honourary knighthood and several honourary doctorates, he's Mr establishment. 

Has he given up feeding the poor? While Ethiopia is booming with Chinese money and building there is famine in Somalia and Sudan. Is he donating money from his charity single to Ebola in west Africa because it's trendy right now?  

Geldof used Live 8 to help get Tony Blair elected and spoke for Scotland staying British. Of course he isn't British he just wants to be relevant, has no one told him he has a face for radio?

When talking about world population he has said "There can't be more people on the Earth than we can feed" and has put it onto women to be educated on having fewer children .... yes because in these butt fuck cuntries weemen really have so much control over their bodies. 

Even in Kenya which is semi civilised for an African cuntry a woman was stripped in the street and shamed for wearing a short skirt.      

Aye blame the weemen .... Geldof has had three children but I suppose that doesn't count, someone has issues. 

 He doesn't have a paper sticker badge on his coat, he never gave to charity!

I don't know where the money from Band aid's latest Do they know it's Christmas is going to, it's like that person in the street rattling a plastic jar and saying, "support cancer" ... wha? So many charities you've never heard of in the UK all trying to get yer loose change because the government funds fuck all.

At least they just give you a dirty look when you refuse to bend to street peer pressure unlike the religious ones that give you a passive aggressive 'Jesus loves you anyway.'    

Geldof is an adviser to the ONE campaign, when it was brought to the attention of the public that 1.2% of their funding went to charities they mentioned that they didn't really give to charities they just raise awareness .... well thanks for letting us know, most of their funding comes from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. It seems that you can work in charity without actually working with charities. 

So who gets the Bandaid 30 money? Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) otherwise known as Doctors Without Borders or Oxfam? Where is the charity name recognition? You should think Bandaid 30 then have the charity connected in yer thoughts, is it UNICEF? that's who got it in the 80's but they mostly just do famine .... the good news for them is that west Africa might very well get a famine too. 


 Africa and the Middle East are beyond saving so I suggest other options.

Latest Ebola news is that Guinea, Liberia, Sierra Leone and Mali are the big outbreak cuntries at the moment with outbreaks also in Nigeria and Senegal.  


What about the song? People have complained that the first Band aid song was stupid and written by someone who thought that Africa was a cuntry. Of course there is snow in Africa and plenty of rain and rivers. I'm pretty sure that they know it's Christmas too, I'm sure they have calendars in Africa. 


Santa (or Black Peter) doesn't do cuntries of colour but he will give them a good ol mocking with some blackface cos he's a total cunt. How many Golliwogs did Santa give to children back in the 70's? 

Political correctness spoiled my Christmas.

So onto the lyrics, It’s Christmas time – and there’s no need to be afraid ... that starts up the same though there is always a need for fear. Some big fat fella who has been watching you all year breaks into yer house, fear is totally natural. 

There’s a world outside your window – and it’s a world of dread and fear .... aye but no need for fear huh.

Where a kiss of love can kill you – and there’s death in every tear .... fuck that's depressing.


And the Christmas bells that ring there – are the clanging chimes of doom, Well tonight we’re reaching out and touching you ... no you fucking well are not! Just because you have a knighthood doesn't mean you can touch whoever you want, who do you think you are Jimmy Savile?


No peace and joy this Christmas in West Africa ... no, not as catchy. 

The only hope they’ll have is being alive ... it's really not that bad, just don't eat anyone's feces or saliva, and since they are not poor at least they'll have food and Christmas presents so yay!


Where to comfort is to fear, Where to touch is to be scared .... so don't touch or comfort the sick, got it.


How can they know it’s Christmas time at all .... the Christmas decorations and the crappy songs might give it away.


So there you have it, with Christmas and the holidays being difficult for many people, especially those with depression Bob Geldof is trying to have more people kill themselves with this gawd awful song. 
The United Nations Mission for Ebola Emergency Response (UNMEER) has been set up in Ghana and Obama keeps telling the world how the US is leading the fight against Ebola .... uh no yer not, as usual yer well late for the fight. Let them work away at it, just how much money are we expected to give to charities? 

Ach give what you will, people very often pretend to be less cuntish around Christmas for some reason, give Bob, Bono and One Direction their Christmas tax breaks and feel like you've done some good in the world as you tuck into yer turkey.