Monday, 28 July 2014

Suicide Bomber Bigotry

Police in Oxford ..... England have apologised to a man who was stopped by armed police as he jogged doon the Southfield Road, East Oxford.

The man 23 year-old man Abu Shalulu was wearing an exercise vest with weights inside for added resistence when he was mistaken for a Hamas suicide bomber.

"This is racism init?" said Mr Shalulu "I was wearing my vest, like the one Prince Harry wears when he workouts and the Zionist pig squad assumed I was a terrorist because I'm not white and blonde ."  

"The mask is so I don't breath in the car pollution and the head band is to keep the sweat out of my eyes, I don't know what it says, probably something like 'just do it'  I'm very surprised they didn't just shoot me dead and drag my body through the streets."

Mr Shalulu a religious studies student had just returned from a 3 week holiday in Lebanon is considering making a complaint to the police Ombudsman for racial profiling.

The Thames Valley Police have assured him they will be more considerate now they know the circumstances and will inform other officers not to stop him on his run past the army barracks,  synagogue and out to a rural landing strip where he is taking flying lessons.  

The man in the street says. 

Terry, an average person says, "The slaughter in Gaza is so terrible that I made a montage of dead children pics posted on Facebook as my screen saver, don't ask me about this story I only watch the news for Gaza, in between my soaps."   

When asked about Hamas he wasn't sure what it was.  

The World Is Depressed

During the great depression people caught anxiety and sullenation from infected French sailors. 

I've been thinking about the problems around the world and many of the problems stem from the inability to move on from the past. People want things like justice for events like murders but to open up 30 year-old cases means accusing people in the present who may now be top politicians and that just rocks the boat. Justice is overrated so get with the program. 

Nelson Mandela's shit didn't stink and everyone loved him but no one kept bringing his terrorist past. Even Che Guevara has followers today who weren't even born when he was dispensing his own brand of slaughter in Cuban prisons. The Dalai Lama is seen as a peaceful cheerful looking chap rather than a pampered cunt who misses his Tibetan slaves and who had Nazis as friends. Brad Pitt's character wasn't just a German mountain climber.

 I've always suspected him of being mildly retarded, always too happy for my liking.

Sure a top Buddhist monk in Sri Lanka has just said that the Lama has been influenced by Islamist extremists and that he isn't a real Buddhist leader as he doesn't want to visit Sri Lanka in case he upsets China but who is going to hear about a story like that with Gaza going on and planes constantly falling from the skies? 

So Old Knudsen who is an experienced healthcare expert has cum up with a solution to world peace with using what depressed people get told. 

It's in the past and you can't change the past, acknowledge yer feelings then let it go. You can only effect the present and the future so move the fuck on. 

See? as simple as that. You may still feel the hurt and the pain so grow a pair and move on, no one cares. Yer holding up the line. 

 Click on it if you want, no one cares about yer depression cos you depress them. 

Do you yammer on about sleights done to yer people 40, 50 or 100 years ago?  Do you have seething hatred for people you don't even know?  Did you have to be taught why so and so are cunts from yer parents?  Do you wave flags and complain about things that you don't have a clue about?  Do you use events from hundreds of years ago ... a time in which you or yer parents or grandparents weren't even born to piss off others while pretending to celebrate this thing which you had no hand in?

Well then yer a dickhead, time to move on as you've wasted enough of the world's time, resources and energy on this and why the fuck were you not sterilised to prevent mini yous? 

Education and healthcare was wasted on you, yer opinions are swayed by issues that blind you and you can't learn from the past. Yer as self-aware as a nutty turd. Yer idea of living in a society is to cause trouble and to bring forth the hates of the past and put it onto those in the present. It isn't all about you!

So where do I pick up me Nobel peace prize from or am I not cuntish enough to have won one?  I can't pick it up this weekend as I'm manning the suicide hotline again. I've never had a repeat caller so I must be good.


Sunday, 27 July 2014

Sexy Art


Today instead of gratuitous adult nakedness in protest against Christians Muslims and Jews who support child abuse as a part of their religious beliefs I thought I'd give you art instead. Here is Milo Moiré, a lass from .... I dunno somewhere foreign who gets onto trains arse naked except for some fuck me pumps, a hand bag and a pair of hipster glasses.
Just because she walks about like this doesn't mean that she is asking for it ... it's art. Just like the time she plopped out paint balls from her minge. I have one of her vadge explosions up on my wall, she could have at least removed the pubes.
   I believe Old Knudsen has mentioned his big man sized like of tits hanging doon ... definitely art.
You untrained plebs just see a naked chick but Old Knudsen sees the emotion that screams out like a lass whose minge is getting waxed. 
Art means not smiling but instead just ..... being.
Also it said it was art on the porn site I got it off. 
What an enigmatic expression, only she knows why she painted her toenails and not her fingernails. 
This one is saying, "help I'm retarded and haven't eaten in weeks" only a fellow artist can see the layers of subliminal artistic angst. No offense to any retards reading, at least I didn't say Spaz.
Ryan Gosling makes my stench trench weep with joy yet I remain dry and sullen. 
I don't know art but I like what I don't know, what is she about to shrug and say? 


Friday, 25 July 2014

Flying Cars Are Here

They promised us flying cars by the year 2000 and it looks as though the experts were right and holding out on us.
A car I had about 15 years ago the Vauxhall Corsa obviously didn't have the flying ability, I must have just missed out but now they can indeed fly.

A 25 year-old driver in Hop Pole, near Spalding ..... no seriously, these are real place names. Must have engaged the flying feature without aligning the inertial dampeners .... rookie mistake.

 You kicked me off the island, why?  .... oh fuck off Wilson.

Not that I'm saying that lil boy racers buy these cars and then can't drive them, ok then maybe I am. The BBC didn't say if the 25 year-old was male but c'mon the fuck, a little old to be racing around the streets of .... where is it Hop Pole? You must be sooo fucking cool you forever alone little man racer. I bet you have a fat tip too, well had until it fell off.

The car careered off the road and flew through the air and smashed into a back bedroom. No one was home and the driver got away with broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. In the age of camera phones are you saying that nobody got it? A garden fence was destroyed and some shrubs were startled.... probably won't flower again until the end of August. I hope yer pleased. 

Burritos ... Ask Me How

Besides Boojum in Belfast there aren't many places to get a burrito in Northern Ireland. Old Knudsen likes Del Taco and Bakers and he used to like Taco Bell until they cut back on their portions but now he'd even take that.

Gingo friendly Mexican food is what I want, not what they call Mexican food here, it's atrocious ... a few peppers do not Mexican food make.

So after a couple of year without any I went on the hunt for something that passed for gringo burritos and found ingredients that worked. I now share my findings with other Northern Ireland plebs who are sick of potatoes.
It's easy to cook and can be done well within an hour, 30 mins if you aren't stopping to take pictures. 

The ingredients:

I use this as the rice filler because I'm a chicken sort of person. This can be found in Sainsburys.

I prefer flour tortillas which can be bought in various sizes at Sainsburys or Tesco.

An onion and some chicken. I usually get breast meat but I fucked up and got thigh for some reason, ah well it all comes out the same.

Salsa and guacamole from Sainsburys, just any old stuff will not do. Get tortilla chips and use these as dips if you want.

Yoghurt instead of sour cream, this is from Sainsburys. Don't buy stuff called sour cream or guacamole from the makers of Mexican type food brands as they are just easy to pour shite.

You can add peppers if you want, I usually add a small can of diced tomatoes but I forgot them.

Cilantro, otherwise known as coriander.  

Refried beans as found at Sainsburys and Tesco.

The most important part .... hat sass! A burrito is just a means to get hot sauce into my gob. I found Cholula at Tesco, that's the stuff real illegal immigrants would use so it must be nice. If you can't get that then something like Texas pete, if you can't get that then Frank's hot sauce but do try to get Cholula.

So easy to make.  Wash and chop yer coriander and put it in a Tupperware. Then chop yer onion and put it to the side for now. To avoid crying while peeling an onion, do it underwater, many swimming pools frown upon this but if you do it sneakily they won't have a clue. I've made whole stews in local swimming pools.

Then chop yer chicken, obviously you chop that last to avoid cross contamination. I hope you've already washed yer hands before cooking and after handling raw meat. Old Knudsen may not wash his cock for months at a time but he does believe in hand washing and will notice every single time a food handler touches their face or hair. Some of those TV cooks are durty buggers, a 3 second hand wipe on a cloth does not mean clean.      
I also disinfect areas that I've had the packaging of raw meat on before carrying on with the cooking cos I have OCD issues.

Cook yer chicken in a pan (a deepish panwith a lid) with some oil until it's cooked .... I'll assume you know what cooked chicken looks like. I like to cook chicken with paprika cos I like the pretty colour.

Throw in yer onion and other veg if you have it, let that cook then throw in yer rice from the one pan meal, let that cook for 1 minute, stirring of course.

Add 350ml of water, the El Paso sauce and seasoning and stir.

Not very encouraging, it looks like a soup of sorts. Bring to boil then lower the temp to simmer. I put the lid on the pan and set ma timer for 15 mins.

Stir a couple of times while it's simmering.

As if by magic it becomes food. Not very colourful since I forgot the tomato and didn't add pepper but oh so tasty.

I then empty a can of refried beans into a bowl and microwave it for 2 mins. 

If you cook using gas then you can toast the tortilla over the flame for 5 seconds each side or just microwave it.

The rice meal, beans, salsa, guac, yogurt, coriander onto the tortilla. I've under filled this one since I eat like yer lass in the top pic. 

Now you have a burrito, pour yer hat sass onto it as you eat .

Everything can be packed into Tupperware containers and kept in the fridge, the tortillas can get a clamp put onto the package and put in too.... the hot sauce can stay out. 

I'll feed off this for a week just adding everything onto a tortilla and microwaving it for a minute or so.  

Good light food for hot summer days, once the work is done there is no cooking .... unless you run out of beans and have to open another can.

Now you have the secret of Old Knudsen's burritos, use this knowledge with respect, it's all about the ingredients so do try to get them.  


Thursday, 24 July 2014

Tunnel Trouble

A Hamas soldier dragging a bag of poison they use on Israeli troops ..... possibly. 

Too much attention is being paid to Gaza, are TV shows like Dancing with has been stars or I'm a retard, get me outta here on a break or something? ISIS have more cities under their control than the Iraqi government do, anyone else notice this? 

Then there was the suicide car bombings that killed 26 people in Iraq on Tuesday and 21 on Wednesday .... did Facebook go mad with indignation? were the kitten pictures put on hold? No one cares.

Former soccer player Gazza gets $47 million in US aid by mistake.

The Palestinian people are being attacked in their own homeland .... Arabs are fucking nomads, ya can't just go around claiming every little bit of sand. The history of the world says that whoever can keep the land does so. A few popular examples: America, Australia, Canada, England, Northern Ireland, Ireland itself ... where do you think the Irish came from? Even the people who first settled in Scotland were taken over by assimilation which is the passive aggressive form of invasion. 

The ancient world both feared and respected military might, they called King Alfred and Alexander "Great" for their ability to have lots of people killed for their agendas.

Have we really moved on? Nah, not really and we've got this level of smugness going on too which isn't really very attractive. We care about what the media shows us and fire up the old hashtags in response to some great injustice but we never lose a night of sleep nor does it put us off our dinner. 

I remember during the whole Ethiopian famine thing that having yer dinner to images of starving Marvin was quite common. "oh look at those flies round that dying child's mouth, hmmm potatoes turned out well." Luckily there isn't a famine there today. Ethiopia is 123 out of 125 worst fed countries in the world. Yeah there is drought and famine, you just don't hear about it. No one cares.      

The tunnels under Gaza.

The people on Facebook can't get enough of Gaza, they love that shit. American users don't see it as much because of the whole everyone supports Israel as it's a key ally thing.

I'm amazed by the tunnel system under Gaza. Hundreds of tunnels to Egypt and Israel to smuggle in food, weapons and people. Hamas have their own bunkers and use the tunnels the same way the Viet Cong did, they like to pop up behind the enemy to capture Israeli troops and torture them, hey they do shit like that, they strapped bombs onto children for fucks sake, not nice people. 

Like Vietnam, besides the tunnel system used in warfare you don't know who'll be the enemy. Does that 14 year-old have a bomb strapped to them? Will that mother surrounded by kids pull out a gun? ... it happens. Hamas have threatened to unleash attacks across Israel, they say their people will pop up and randomly stab Israelis .... no wonder FB users are glued to this conflict. Fuck day time television, this shit is awesome .... er I mean it's terrible, can't stand the suffering, oh must share this decapitated child it will show people that I care.

This will hurt a little bit and by that I mean a lot, I hope. 

I like to see dead bodies and stabbing victims as much as the next person but the media is telling us that we should be more interested in the airliner that was shot doon. Yeah yeah yeah, 298 people dead, whatever. I see a Taiwanese plane made a crash landing killing around 50, I can imagine Gaza lovers going, 'oh crap, now I'll have to click on links to find out what is happening in Gaza, FML.'

This fascination for Gaza is a little worrying, it's one of those things that if you point out any of the history of the situation then yer a hater or worse .... a Jew lover!!!!!!

Here is what happened at a pro-Palestinian rally in Paris, they destroyed Jewish run businesses and chanted to gas the Jews.
Ya know what will not get you sympathy for the attacks on Gaza?

Angry Muslims are nothing new, it's as if they don't like getting bombed or something. Don't they know that chanting gas the Jews is totally taboo, that's like implying that black people are lazy, just not done. Away an burn some flags or mutilate some female genitals or something. 

You can't have angry pro-Palestine people without having Hamas.  Gerry Adams has no problems with Hamas and will visit the Hamas Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh in Egypt no problem .... wha? the leader of Palestine isn't even in Palestine? nope, not even the #2.  They rule in exile telling their minions to kill Israelis and die no matter what.

I have a problem getting behind anything that Adams is for. I hope he's giving tips on how to not let shit stick to you.
Not that anyone remembers all the 15 year-old brain washed suicide bombers that Hamas sent to Israel that killed over 300 people over the years.

Adams says that "when people are challenged to go to the ballot box" he ignores how Hitler came to power through the ballot box as that doesn't suit him, he's trying to appear to be a figure of peace rather than an ex-IRA leader who shelters pedos. So if people vote for terrorists like Hamas or Fatah then they are terrorist supporters? .... that's what Adams is saying. 

I don't really like to brand everyone as terrorists, conservatives or democrats because of who cheated to get into power but hey, sure thing Gerry, kill them all and fuck peace cos that is what terrorists deserve.

Abu Marzouk , Hama's number 2 has said that he hopes that Israel occupies Gaza.... uh? He says this because than that means that Fatah isn't in charge and Hamas can stop with the day to day problems of looking after civilians and can concentrate on killing Israelis.

He lives a comfortable life in Cairo not exactly worrying about Gaza's infrastructure and Israel provide Gaza with electricity and clean water anyway and unlike Fatah are accountable to international law, imagine not wanting to be run by a terrorist organisation.    

This post isn't about stupid hypocrites that don't live in the real world, nor is it about scumbag terrorists, it's about tunnels.

Did you know that over 1,000 people live in the tunnel system under Las Vegas? The tunnels are for flood prevention. Aye Las Vegas is out in the desert but they can still get floods there because it might not rain for months but when it does it's all at once.
Some of these people have jobs or are vets with PTSD or others with substance abuse problems. One of the richest cuntries in the world who gives $3 billion every year to Israel can't look after it's own people, then again I doubt these people tried to get help.
If the junkies don't want to change then they can't get help, charities do help them but don't want them getting too comfortable.

Doon Mexico way they love their tunnels too, to smuggle drugs, guns and people into and out of the U.S. there has been lots of fierce debate about the border because the U.S. are not winning .... you'd think that Americans would be used to that.
Of course the border is vast so tunnels are not needed if you want to cross over undetected.

Over the years Ranchers have been finding things on their ranches that illegal immigrants sneaking across the border have dropped, these include Korans and Pakistani/English translation books, not just yer usual dropped burrito or bottle of Tequila that I'm sure all Mexicans carry.

Americans should be less worried about deporting hard working people in search of a better life and focus on those who mean them harm. I don't give a shit if Americans all full of indignant outrage go on about how these people have broke the law etc etc, Americans are notorious for thinking outside the system and take laws as guidelines so fuck off.

So much to fix and so much injustice and suffering that gets ignored so it's difficult for Old Knudsen to take those who suddenly pop up with a social conscience about something they know knowing about seriously.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Turds In Space

First the bus with the bomb on it, Jesse James and now this, I'm so not liking my life choices.

India launched a rocket for Mars in November of 2013, in October of this year it should reach the red planet and go into orbit, just cos it's a cool thing to do.
They may also study the planet's atmosphere and surface probably for colonization so they can build evil robots and build a clone army away from the rules and laws that have prevented them from doing it on Earth . Maybe they'll open call centers and pretend to be typing and fixing yer problem but you know they aren't. 'Just bare with me I just have to run a few diagnostic programs from our end'  plays busy office tape with typing sounds  'Hey Apu, did you see Tru Blood last night? that shit was off the hook.'

Prince Razzi din jam jazzi inspecting his rocket.

Another nation who wants to go to Mars is the United Arab Emirates. These oil rich cunts no doubt want yet another place to argue about religion. UAE's emirate of Dubai, Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum ..... if that is indeed his name and not what he had for lunch said the mission will prove the Arab world is still capable of delivering scientific contributions to humanity rather than just blowing themselves up and burning flags.

I added the last bit. These people don't even eat bacon and they think they can go to Mars? Its unmanned probe will take nine months to travel the 37 million miles to Mars, that's 2 months faster than India HA! In total that is 9 nations with Mars in their space program .... the race is on. 

Muslim majority cuntries such as Algeria, Tunisia, Egypt, Turkey Indonesia, Pakistan and Iran all have space programs ..... not that religion is important or anything.
In 1985 Saudi-born Prince Sultan bin Salman Al-Saud became the first Muslim and Arab to travel to space, he had to fight his natural inclination to take over the cockpit and ram the space ship into the International space station but apart from that he did great. Watching him trying to pray to Mecca while in orbit was fucking hilarious.... Hey Sally you just prayed to Ireland, ya potato lover. 

Muzzle toff Mahmoud, it's a boy! 

Last year Iran sent a monkey up into space for the second time even though they were still cleaning bits from the capsule from the first time.

It will return in 50 of our Earth years and it will bring it's friends.

Of course when the UAE send manned flights and you know they will, there will be strict laws as written down by Allah himself. No kissing or touching! No one gives a fuck that it's a long flight, Indian rockets may have rape as a common pursuit but not on an UAE ship.

No swearing or indecent gestures, even on space walks giving the thumbs up is seen as a rude gesture and you may expect a harsh prison sentence before you are stoned and hanged .... or the other way round.

No taking pictures without permission, that includes snapshots of yer cuntry from space, again with the prison, stoning and hanging.

No disrespecting any religion ..... that happens to be Islam. You'll be beat with a flip flop, stoned, hanged and then imprisoned, just to shake things up .... or sheik things up, see what I did there? oh fuck off.

No sharing private space with opposite sex . In fact no sharing space, death to those who insult Islam or those who just aren't Islamic... or Islamic enough.  

No indecent clothing, again this is not India. Our bodies .... especially weemen's are immoral and indecent and should be covered from head to toe at all times, oh not men because that would be really uncomfortable. 50 lashes for space weemen that show their ankles.

What is Nasa doing? Can we afford to let a load of Mooslims invade and colonise Planet Mars? They don't even speak English for fucks sake how can they be ambassadors for Earth like wot we white .... er western nations are?

Here is what NASA are doing, they are talking ... not doing but talking, about the possibility of life on other planets. Fucking recession, now NASA can only talk a space program.
They say that 10 to 20 percent of stars around us have Earth-size planets in the habitable zone. In just a few years we may have telescopes that can identify planets that can sustain life and that it's very likely that every single star in our Milky Way galaxy has at least one Earth like planet.

Imagine the moment when the world wakes up and the human race realizes that its long loneliness in time and space may be over .... oh and they want YOU to sleep on the wet patch cos yer just a slave meat sack who will serve or die, now roll over and prepare for my love invasion.  

Gone are the good ol days when Charlton Heston would go up into space arrogantly brag about the free cuntry he comes from to a race of platitudians. We were created equal damn it, not to be slaves ... well except for the Mexicans, weemen and anyone who isn't Christian ..... we used to not like blacks but thanks to the liberals we can't say anything negative about them.  Our nation is a shining example of freedom and democracy, a republic? what the fuck is that? 

Aye the US is a republic and yet it wants to make democracies, no faith in the republican brand.  

The American dream were you have the founding fathers given rights to pursue happiness and oil. A big car in the driveway, a wife to have yer dinner on the table for when you come in from lying in yer garden hammock all day, 2.5 children ... aye little Joey probably won't life long. 

We get to own guns in case we need to overthrow the government or shoot up a school and we barbeque where ever the fuck we like, Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, Somalia, Nazi fucking Germany, aye some barbeques last longer than others but all are left with a pile of burn ambers ...  except Germany who are doing better than everyone else, being the bully does pay off eventually. 

We can't let those damn dirty apes get their hands on the red planet, I say we nuke the fucker or frack it to death.