Wednesday, 2 September 2015

War Stories With Old Knudsen


I don't like to talk about the war, mostly because unless you've felt the fear and the adrenaline of losing bladder control during a firefight with Nazi cyborgs from the future you won't have a clue what I'm talking about .... that and the fact I tend to get me wars mixed up, ach so many good times and drunken blackouts.

Old Knudsen once captured one of those Napoleon French Imperial Eagle thingys when he served in the 105th Foot and Mouth Regiment in 1815 which means it was just after dinner for you civvies who can't tell the 25 hour clock time. 
The English Major in charge was well chuffed and thought he was taking it for the regimental museum or something so I says, "away an fuck ya Sassenach cunt" .... according to eye witnesses that is as I was so blootered that day I don't even remember killing yon 38 men with my belt bucket to get the eagle, I doubt the account is true as I'd never use a racial slur like Sassenach to some English cunt.   

I woke 8 days later in a French hoor hoose with just the beak and the wing tip left of the eagle. I used the tip to pay for some wine and a fat syphilitic hoor who was most grateful if you know what I mean. That is why there is a gold eagle beak in the 105th museum at the Catterick Garrison in North Yorkshire in case you were wondering. 

In 1945 I found myself in France again. I had come over in a HORSA glider with 24 other men of the 47th Surplus Brigade. Once the glider was detached from the plane the only thing you could hear was the rushing of air and the squeaking of farts .... it wasn't me I swear, ok It may have been a little. That silence was broken with explosive flak, well they shouldn't have served curry before the op. We landed in a field and rushed out to secure our position. It was a warm spring moonless night, I scanned the horizon for landmarks and pulled a tarp over my head to shine a light on my map .... fuck it smelled like rotten curried eggs in there and I didn't get a fucken medal for doing it either. 

We had to take the Belgium town of Bremon as it overlooked the main river crossings and from what I hear had some very nice Gothic architecture, well it did have the year before now the only architecture that was left was Emo and that sucks dead donkey balls. 

After giving up on the map reading I asked the Sergeant which way to go. We met up with C and D company but A company's glider had been destroyed by anti-aircraft fire and now we were a company short, we would have to put a lot more effort in if we wanted to fill the A hole.... So we had a cup of tea and thought about it a little. 

We advanced on Bremon along the hedge rows in staggered formation, the main reason for the staggering was that I insisted the men drink the case of celebratory brandy I had brought for when we won cos you don't want to have to carry all those bottles into battle, they might get broken. 

When the anti-aircraft guns stopped firing nearby we could hear the Germans talking, "I keel alz die Englisch schweinehund" we were made up from the fodder regiments and were mostly Scottish, Irish, Welsh and a few Poles and even one Lapp ... dancer from Lapland, his name was Sami, amazingly hypnotic hips. We took being called pig dogs no problem but English???? Thems fightin werds. 

We set up the Bren machine guns to give us covering fire as we drunkenly charged forward firing our Sten  guns with scant regard for health and safety. The Germans that survived our initial onslaught hurriedly surrendered. 
We didn't have enough men to be able to hold a large amount of prisoners (my troops kept running in front of me gun, they should have known better) without fear of a rear attack so we did the unthinkable, something I ain't too proud of, we said fuck the Geneva convention and dressed them like pretty French ladies and married them in rushed ceremonies, now they were our wives instead of enemy combatants, one young lad swore that one day he'd be Pope and he'd take his revenge out on our children ... German dirty talk is weird. 

We pressed on as dawn was approaching and we had started to sober up, any Krauts left Bremon rather fast and surrendered to the advancing Russians when they heard all the honeymoon action. I killed 24 men on that horrible night but on the bright side 3 of them were the enemy ..... but I don't want to talk about it.                                

 

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Trump West Young Man


Kanye West rambles on during an award show stoned out of his tiny mind and announces he'll run for president in 2020. Not soon enough you'll all agree. 

Let me introduce the Trump/West ticket. The dream team. The world's greatest American and businessman ever! terms and conditions may apply Donald Tiberius Trump combined with the greatest living rock star Kanye Derek West. 

With West as Vice President all the ethnics should be happy and Donald won't be seen as a racist as he builds a wall to keep the raping drug dealers in Mexico but ignores the Canadian border. Young people listen to West (mostly 10 years ago) and women see his wife Kim as a role model so that'll be most of America voting for Trump/West. 

Expect to see a surge in US citizenship as people hurry to become American just to vote for Trump/West, you'd be a fool not to. 

Would the Don or the Kan let Putin invade Ukraine?  NO WAY! Kanye would interrupt him and Donald wouldn't let him get another word out.

They don't have experience or know politicking but they do know how to be awesome. Trump/West, building walls to keep the future out. Walls won't stop airplanes, missiles or tunnels and may cause side effects such as wasting money in which case you should see your doctor.     
   

The People Who Attend Parades Don't Even Like Them


A study done by the Peace in our time foundation has shown that the people who attend Loyalist and Republican parades in Northern Ireland don't even like them but go out of spite and because they don't know any better and don't believe that they deserve any better.

Billy from the Shankill said, "I don't even like the music, I'm more into ambient techno" he took a swig from his bottle of Buckfast and continued, "I just go cos it's what we've always done and it supports our side, the costumes look silly as fuck but people think I'm hard cos I pretend to like it all and it says fuck you to the Fenians which is the most important part of our culture" He finished by draining his bottle, throwing at the police and yelling "YEEEOOOHHH!"


Sean from the Falls said, "I don't even like the music, I'm more into ambient techno" he took a swig from his bottle of Buckfast and continued, "I just go cos it's what we've always done and it supports our side, the costumes look silly as fuck but people think I'm hard cos I pretend to like it all and it says fuck you to the Huns which is the most important part of our culture" He finished by draining his bottle, throwing at the police and yelling "YEEEOOOHHH!"


Two communities with so much in common but too full of hate and ignorance to figure it out. Would an Ebola pandemic in Northern Ireland really be a bad thing?

Monday, 31 August 2015

When I Fought Saddam

 

Years back when the Bloominberg diamond that was lent out to the British museum in London .... England was stolen, MI-5 put their best man on the case. SG-19 also put their third from best on the case too which was me cos the other two were on holiday at the time so technically I was the best, and don't you forget it.

I found myself in a typical London alleyway, it was the early 80's and every alleyway had it's own smoke machine .... yes everyone, even the alleyways smoked back then and it never gave us cancer but if it had we would have laughed in its face and would have been grateful.

I squared off against a street thug that I was going to squeeze for information. He looked cocky and defiant as if he had powerful rich friends. I could tell this would get real violent real soon.

In my highly trained mind I chose a plan of attack, I'd feign submission and let my shoulders slump, strike at his throat, he'll attempt a wild haymaker, I'd deploy an elbow block then body shot, block his left jab, cut with a cross to right cheek followed by an elbow to his face breaking his eye socket then end with a front kick to the sternum .... all planned out in a split second through years of training and sparring.  

I woke up in hospital, my only mistake was when I started to day dream while planning my attack which gave him an advantage.
I'd only been in my coma for 3 days, that was nothing compared to the 8 weeks in 1978 when I told Leon Spinks that he got lucky when he beat Muhammad Ali ... I got my revenge when I found out his home address. Should I own up to it? .... Ok, in 1980 I knocked on his front door and ran away, he was all like wha? He didn't have a clue who it was, revenge is so sweet. Fuck you and yer London look teeth ... was what I would have said to his face.

A large bouquet of flowers with a note that said, "hope you get well soon, stop asking questions and you'll stay that way" I examined the handwriting, licked and sniffed the card, wasn't European it was more nutty but not Russian A-HA! obviously Middle Eastern.


I pumped my contact from Mossad from some information. She verified that Al-Koblah was at the museum shortly before the theft, he was Saddam's number one jewel thief.

Donald Rumsfeld the Special Envoy to the Middle East under Reagan. 

If would be difficult getting into Iraq for a mission against Saddam, he was very tight with the US and Reagan had it out for me cos he was jealous of the history I had with Nancy. It was all very messy, no seriously, Nancy was a right squirter.

Since the US was selling weapons to Iran and Iraq while all the time trying to mediate peace I slipped inside a container marked bio hazard which was heading to Iraq, I just assumed it was like Baby Bio plant food so I'd be grand.... strangely enough it must have been like plant food as I did grow a foot within 8 weeks of that mission but I had it removed as it was growing in an odd place and I couldn't cut the toenails very well.  


I faced off against Saddam at his secret castle and demanded he returned the Bloominberg diamond ... ya still remember about that right? he said "Ack bach halli ouc da ne hadisha bo lokach he na suclueh ole Knudsen" so I repeated my demand SLOWLY AND LOUDER so he could understand, I do speak fuckin English ya cheeky cunt.

He laughed and pulled out a big shiny sword. Old Knudsen has been laughed at by better folk than him but there was something about that sword, then it struck me, ouch! It was Excalibur, I knew it back when Aurthur had it and called it Calibur.
How was I to defeat him? I could shag his wife like Lancelot did, he had 2 so which one should I pick ? That daydream cost me an arm (it grew back a year later) his mocking laughter and hacks at my body was starting to bend my shite then I noticed that he had the diamond put into the hilt of the sword ... Aurthur was always humming and hawing what to put into the hilt as he hated emeralds and sapphires, it had to be kingly looking  ... no wonder he never noticed Lancelot and Guinevere round the back of the tents.

Saddam thought that with a limb missing and several pints of blood gushing out of me that I was done for and he got careless. I used my remaining good hand and ripped his mustache clean off his face. If I had a camera phone back then I'd have taken a selfie with it.

Saddam screamed like a little gurl and dropped the sword, I picked it up and stood over him and bellowed "Cry Gog for Harry, England, and Saint George!" and raised the mystical blade, suddenly in a fiery explosion Saddam flew into the sky just missing my blade of justice ... A fucken jet pack, what is this, the 21st century?

I returned the Bloominberg diamond to the Bloominbergs who needed it for their zionist new werld order and for tax purposes, I gave Excalibur to the ancient and wise Merlin, he'd know what to do with it.

Well he actually got totally pissed on apple scrumpy during one of those solstice thingys and threw it into a lake, we haven't spoken to each other since.              
   
What was the point to this story? Well now you know why Saddam wore a fake mustache for all those years, yep that was all me. His old mustache became feral and lived up in the Sinjar Mountains before the Kurds were able to track it down and kill it in 2005.

Upon returning to SG-19 I wrote up my report and was promoted to Head field agent of the suicide mission task force. I'd asked if I was getting any medals cos I likes getting medals but they were all out and due to the recession they couldn't afford any more, always the way.   
   


Saturday, 29 August 2015

Gerry Adams: Villain Or Legend?


Gerry Adams is a divisive figure in Northern Ireland. He has long been the president of Sinn Féin, otherwise known as the political wing of the IRA though he has always denied membership of the IRA. While he forges out a career in the Republic of Ireland as a member of parliament there he is often seen on Northern Ireland television denying knowledge of something that occurred during the Troubles or just denying whatever claims are made against him.    

Adams with Jedward .... musical terrorism maybe? 

Adams was never in the IRA, sure he attended IRA rallies and funerals but that was because the IRA had the best buffets at those events. He doesn't even remember being the Officer Commanding of the IRA's Belfast Brigade who sent terrorists over to England to bomb it in 1973 .... not something you'd easily forget so obviously he didn't do it. 

It turned out that Gerry's brother Liam enjoyed raping his own daughter Áine but who wants to hear about that? Gerry may have helped his brother avoid jail and covered it because it's bros before hoes .... not that Gerry really remembers what he did, growing a beard like that comes with the price of memory degradation ... according to experts. Liam is now serving a 16 year sentence for 10 offenses against his daughter. 

Maria Cahill was a lass raped by an IRA member but since Gerry wasn't in the IRA he doesn't remember covering that up either. 
The present day IRA supporters on the Internet now denounce Maria's claims and call her a liar because someone made a YouTube that says so even though ex-IRA commander and current deputy first minister of Northern Ireland Martin McGuinness has said, "I believe Maíria Cahill was raped" but what the fuck does he know? The cunts on the keyboards know it all. 


Everyone wants to meet Gerry, former terrorist and President of South Africa from 1994 to 1999 Nelson Mandela had plenty in common with him, he once said, "Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world" the full quote was, "If terrorism doesn't work then education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world" with the passing of time and a few years of respectability you can be re-branded as a hero, no one will care about the burning tyre necklaces or the disappeared family members.  


Even the Kennedys loved Gerry, well until the IRA were connected to a murder in a bar and the murdered man's sisters made a fuss about it then not even Ted Kennedy would meet with him, and he killed weemen himself for fucks sake, what a time to grow a conscience. 


When the Irish in America stopped being nasty immigrants to spit upon and became American through the breeding like flies program they were embraced and loved. Even today dumb Americans will watch the Irish Springs soap commercial and pine for good ole Ireland .... even though it's set to the tune of Scotland the brave, I did say dumb right? 

Everyone in America claims to be Irish though the majority don't know how they are connected if they really are. When people leave the nasty cold and wet country of Ireland to live aboard their memory changes and maybe Ireland was a place of magic after all, hence the popularity of people like Gerry Adams. Terrorists who kill their own people and women and children then become freedom fighters. Adams was compared to Martin Luther King jr for his civil rights work ..... He remembers doing that by the way. 


In 1999 Gerry got a street named after him in Oakland Callyfornia, yes it is a one way street and is off a street named after a dictator but still. Maybe McGuinness will get a street named after him in Compton or Rialto. 


Yes Gerry will meet with all the greats if it can further Sinn Féin's cause of a united Ireland, whether the people want it or not. Fuck the people, they didn't appreciate getting blown up for a united Ireland either which is why it's best to be a dictator. Gerry remembers meeting Castro but doesn't recall sucking his cock for a free Che Guevara t-shirt, luckily Old Knudsen's sources at the CIA record everything. 


He'll meet with the president of Hamas too because as like the IRA, Hamas are also freedom fighters. Kidnapping and torturing to death young men for just being from 'the other side' furthers no cause but is a popular tactic known as tit for tat that keeps such people amused when there is a lull in the fighting or no tunnels to dig. 


Some meetings he'd rather not talk about. Even Teflon Gerry's reputation was damaged when he met with Tony Blair. Ugh, give me Hitler or Ted Bundy any day, I feel dirty just looking at this picture.   


Love him or loathe him, even the British Royal family want to press the flesh with him. Prince Charles has always hated the IRA for blowing up his beloved uncle Lord Mountbatten but he couldn't resist that beard. 

Not that Gerry was in the IRA if you remember. 


Gerry has also met with Obama, Hilary,Trump, The Dalai Lama and Vince Vaughn in fact Vaughn lent him some money for a taxi but Gerry doesn't recall that. 

Gerry and his dog

He enjoys naked trampolining with his dog (he denies it's a goat) and watching movies like Braveheart and the Patriot that kills large numbers of Brits in them. He often goes on long walks on the beach, but doesn't like to tell the authorities where the bodies may be buried there cos he doesn't remember and denies he even had a part in it. 

So what is Gerry? a villain or legend? ..... I think I'll go with villainous leg-end.  
   

Friday, 28 August 2015

Old Knudsen Cures Baldness

With a young Adolf Hitler

A wise man only gives his opinion when it's asked for, Old Knudsen can't sit around waiting for you to get smart enough to need his opinion. Back in the day while time traveling I visited a young man named Adolf Hitler, have you heard of him? .... I always ask that question in case I've fucked up the time stream again. 

Anyways Hitler was a young man born in a town in present day Austria in 1889, he then moved to Germany and became a postal courier who was much loved in his town. He married a lovely lass named Anna and had 7 children, he died in 1975 aged 86 surrounded by his children, grandchildren and his young male friend Edwardo. That was his life and probably the reason you've never heard of him. 

When I met him, he was a young delicate lad with an over bearing father, while Adolf wanted to paint and was very into the show tunes of the time and performing dance routines his father made him do manly stuff like hike up mountains while drinking strong beer.  

Adolf's future was to fight in the great war of 1914 - 1918, it was a fixed point in time and there was no escape from it. 
I had read all the time lines (well some of them) that Hitler was in and his son Heinrich was going to cure male pattern baldness so it was vital that he was born, I'm no going bald by the way though my face just seems to be getting bigger as I age. 

I became young Adolf's friend and told him which cushy regiment to join for WWI that would keep him away from the front and I also told him the exact time to leave his bunker cos a shell would have hit it, yes I probably did save his life. He was the type to avoid war service but to avoid him fleeing from Vienna to Munich and getting arrested and looking like a coward which he might very well do I made sure he knew what an easy war he'd have. 

Adolf would be a HQ runner and his war would be a lot more comfortable than most. The Iron cross second class he was given was handed out to many HQ staff because they were always around the big wigs. 

I told Adolf that he was different than most other men and his thoughts and desires would have to be suppressed for the greater good of the werld and besides, all that chumery was still illegal back then he'd only be allowed to be himself in 1968 when the laws change. 

I taught him how to walk with a swagger instead of mincing. I taught him how to disregard the feelings of others as a typical man would do, his empathy and camp-ness would never attract the future Mrs Hitler ... yes it was that important, Timelord shit, you wouldn't understand.       

Angry, horny, hungry, hot and cold are the 5 male emotions .... are hot and cold, ach never mind I taught him them all as he thought way too much, I did teach him the Scooby Doo Theme tune to help him replace yon intellectual stuff in his hed. I schooled him in never owning up to anything and how to blame shift, "It's the dog's fault!"

There's a lot to being a man ya know. 

I advised him that if he ever wanted success in life to exaggerate about his war service, maybe make up some death defying feats and close calls and say yer iron cross was first, not second class. A real nutter would kill those who served with him and destroy his birthplace but that would be crazy huh.

He needed to be more confident and to take control, I used all the cliches like, 'Fortune favours the bold' and 'Just do it.' I told him to do something with yon mustache as it made him look funny. 

My 3 weeks with Hitler boosted his low self esteem, I told him he was meant for a higher purpose (having his son) but of course couldn't tell him too much. He was a non-smoking vegetarian that liked the feel of cheese wedges up his rectum but I can only do so much.

You see the werk of a Timelord often goes by without you even knowing about it, you'd never had heard the name Adolf Hitler if I hadn't done a post about him. I will leave you now with the advice that seemed to resonate the most with young Adolf, 'Go big or go home' ... he was bound to get the gurl after that and to all you slap heads out there, yer welcome, enjoy yer hair. 

 

 

 

  

Thursday, 27 August 2015

Crashed And Burned


This is a public information post. If you go see an airshow or a motorcycle or car race, you may very well die or see some death and destruction.

The Shoreham Airshow last weekend where a Hawker Hunter jet crashed into a load of cars killed at least 11 people at the time of this writing. On Sunday in northern Switzerland two planes collided killing one of the pilots.



On the first August an RAF-trained jet pilot, was killed at a car show event. In July 2014 a A Hawker Sea Fury crashed with no fatalities.  The list goes on with many deaths during what should have been a fun day out.


Dane Westby, nicknamed Wolverine died during a street crash of all things when his bike hit a kirb and he went into a wall and utility post .... speed kills. A French rider Franck Petricola was killed in June on the Isle of Man TT and the MotoAmerica race on the famous Northern California circuit saw two riders die in July. Andy Lawson a 24 year-old from Scotland died. A road racing medic, Dr John Hinds died in a crash during a practice session in Northern Ireland also in July. His loss was a bit more than just a racer as he was a useful racer with medical training who saved lives.




Dane Westby the 28 year-old without a mutant healing factor .... but he had side burns.


With loads of races around Ireland and the UK on windy roads not meant for racing on there are at least one death every year with plenty of crashes, 24 year-old Jamie Hamilton in a critical but stable condition after crashing on the Isle of Man. 

Guy Martin crashed in early August breaking ribs, sternum and vertebrae. After a back operation he was out intending on racing again. Maybe the medal pins will help him to go faster.

With pilots you hear what good pilots they were after they die in a ball of fire taking out some of the crowd, in racing you see the words 'hero' getting used a lot along with courage. To me a hero is someone who puts themselves in danger to save others.

 People like firefighters and these guys are heroes.

For these racers I'd use the words addiction and selfish. They aren't racing at 130 mph for anyone but themselves. You see families like the Dunlop family that are second generation racers with sons taking over after their father and uncle die. It all sounds very much like the cycle of abuse, self destructive tenancies taught by their parents just as readily as if they had been abused then went on to become abusers.

I'm sorry that their families have to go through this acceptable form of addiction to hear about what heroes their spouse or father was for winning some races and leaving them at an early age doing what HE loved to do.
 

I am sick of hearing how great these people all were. Far better people die all the time for no reason. Khaled al-Asaad, aged 82 had spent his life excavating the ancient city of Palmyra, in Syria only to be tortured and be-headed by ISIS looking for treasure. There will be no parades for him now his life's work that he shared with the world is being blown up by cunts. It would not be a bad thing if his children had become scholars of antiquity so no cycle of abuse there.     

Like how Whitney Houston preferred drugs to her child and died of an OD only to have her daughter do the same. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all .... and goat fucking of course.      

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Eight Inches Of Arm Loving

The Amazon penis snake, no you can't get one on Amazon, it's a rare limbless amphibian.  

This post is about the trouser snake, the one eyed monster, the tramp killer, the hot pocket, the cyclops or wiener. What ever yer name for is (my ex used to call mine The Grudge) the penis is an amazing thing but now kids are all into their Ibox or Wii and Kleenex sales have drooped .

 
Poor Mohammed Abad, aged 43 was pushed in front of a car when he was 6 years old, it dragged him and tore off his penis .... men across the werld just winced and crossed their legs reading that. The virgin under went 100 operations and now has an 8 inch penis that werks by pushing a button on his scrotum AND YOU PAID FOR HIS MUSLIM COCK! .... Sorry, I went all Daily Express for a moment. It fills up with sexy stomach fluids and goes down when he pushes another button.  The batteries go up his arse and he has a special hat with a solar panel that plugs into his balls to recharge when he is out and about. 


Yeah I might have exaggerated about the batteries and solar panel. People I meet in real life often say I exaggerate and don't look like a young Kirk Douglas at all but that is their issues talking.   

Mohammed's wand was grafted from the skin of his arm, you see a chubby middle aged fella but if he wasn't so fat his dick wouldn't be 8 inches..... well played sir, you ate all the pies and now weemen are probably throwing themselves at you. Or not. 

Many of my readers are saying, "fucks sake, how does he get to have a bigger cock than me?" Well look at him, it's like a consolation prize. My readers are well endowed with good looks and intelligence, sure yer drug use has fucked up yer lives and yer teeth but still, having a huge dick can be a curse, the amount of times my dick has fallen out just when some young ladies walk by and then they accuse me of playing with myself because it's a struggle to get it back in.... Aye, the courts know me well. 

 It was cold that day. 

So Mohammed is making sure that ALL the news outlets know he has an 8 inch wab .... he lives in Edinburgh ladies and Scotland is full of dicks I'll have you know. Just let him have a go at ye for fucks sake, he's had a hard (or un-hard) life.

He certainly went to a lot of trouble if this is just a ploy to get his hole .... you have to respect that. Has he never heard of Rohypnol?  

Less than 0.1% (one in 1,000) of men have dicks 8 inch and over and are freaks of evolution and need to be killed with fire .... except for Old Knudsen who is massive online. 

 Ya wanna see something strange? 

 
If you've ever gotten a tattoo you might have noticed it hurts, don't listen to those guys who say, "It doesn't hurt" they have too much to prove and probably don't have space on their dick for a tat. Sometimes Old Knudsen just asks, "why you do that?" 

You can tell that these two straight men have been to prison.  

One rule Old Knudsen has concerns his willy and sharp or pointy things going near it. Do boils really need to be lanced? 


I also think that God gave us ears so we wouldn't do stupid things like this ... How does he shave it? 


This is werld cock appreciation day, take it out somewhere nice like Tesco or WalMart and stand proud because there are those like Mohammed, weemen or politicians that don't have a todger, wang or WMD, pity them. 

 


 

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

8 Out Of 10 Readers Don't Read Past An Informative Headline


A study has shown that 8 out of 10 people only read the headline and think they know all about the article. This is a trend with people who lead very important lives, they just can't waste it on clicking links, what happens if the article had links or worse still a video?

 Pussy and yoga, what's there not to like?

Often these people will comment on the story and depending upon their levels of apathy and honesty they might admit to not having read it but have an opinion on what the headline says. For long articles with lots of werds boringly put together to confuse and irritate, people very often admit to having, "skimmed" or "scanned" which deserves some credit for actually trying. It's the thought that counts.

Satirical sites like Newsthump  or The Onion   often hire writers with very little journalistic experience but can put the punchline in the title ... who needs to click if you already have the funny? Old Bitter Balls will never make things that easy for you cunts.

Join us!

Sometimes when Old Knudsen is lonely he goes to the park and makes the day drinkers give him hugs for a pound .... not long hugs though as lice will take the opportunity to travel and Old Knudsen has enough that are quite resistant to all forms of treatment. If you hadn't have clicked on this story you wouldn't be scratching yer head right now which proves that you can change the world with werds.        



Monday, 24 August 2015

15 Of The Biggest Lies Ever Told

 

Lies have shaped history and even the thinking of people today. If history is written by the victor then Victor has a lot of explaining to do. The Great War for Civilisation or the war to end all wars, World War One was to be something we'd learn from so that it would never happen again. Fighting for civilisation is like fucking for virginity, is it any wonder that we still aren't civilised?   

1) Slaves did not built Egypt's pyramids. I've recently covered how there was no proof that the Jews were ever held as slaves in Egypt and whoever wrote the Exodus story probably did so from sunny Palestine and had never even set eyes on the sphinx. In 2010 the tombs dedicated to the pyramid builders were found so Ka- Chow!

2) Virgin birth of Jesus. First of the census that made them go to Bethlehem was a lie, there was no go to yer hometown census. Augustus Caesar had 3 census' one in 28BCE, 8BCE and 14 CE, there was a census in Judea in 6 CE as written about by the Roman historian Titus Flavius Josephus which caused a revolt. Stop making shit up whoever wrote the Bible. Do you believe that Loki mated with a horse and then he/she gave birth to the 8 legged stallion Svadilfari? Or that  Dionysus was born from Zeus' thigh? Yet you'd believe some Middle East slapper who was probably afraid of her people going all honor killing on her ass. If Tracy from Leeds claimed she was a virgin and was pregnant you'd maybe suspect that her arse isn't a virgin and that drips happen.
  

3) Christopher Columbus couldn't find his arse with two hands. In 14 hundred and 92 Columbus sailed the ocean blue ... And got lost. When he reached the Bahamas he thought that San Salvador was Japan and that Cuba was China. Mankind had known that the Earth was round since 240 BCE so none of that crap about how his sailors thought they'd fall over the edge but he bravely went on. You can blame the first Columbus day in 1792 for all of that crap but Columbus never set foot on North America . Norse explorer Leif Ericson discovered America 500 years previously though the Native Americans claim to have been there already ... if you can believe that.



4) George Washington is famous for two things, the first is that he looks like and old woman and the second is that he cut down a cherry tree as a boy. Washington who betrayed the British and then went on to betray the rednecks that fought the British to get whiskey taxes from them didn't go anywhere near a cherry tree. This is a bloke who openingly wept in front of his men, "look lads, most of you are going to die [sob sob] but we really have to win this one [sob sob]" It was his biographer, Parson Weems that made up the cherry tree story to show how honest he was .... by telling a lie.
 
 Give us some spuds ya facking cont!

5) The potato famine, over a million Irish citizens died of starvation due to a potato blight ... wrong! Aye we love our chips but you can grow other things here. During 1845-52 the potato crops did fail but boats of food from charitable nations all over the world were turned away by the English and whatever crops were produced in Ireland were exported out of Ireland by the English. There are very valid reasons why the English/British are still disliked in Ireland by the Paddy Bogtrotters .... to be sure.  



6) Lincoln freed the slaves. He didn't mean to it just kinda happened. He didn't give a fuck about them and you know what else? He never killed a single vampire either.


7) Einstein failed math at school. Einstein had already mastered differential and integral calculus by the age of 15 so fuck yer special ed classes.


8) Hitler said he wouldn't invade Czechoslovakia and just wanted a little peace .... of the Sudetenland, an area of Czechoslovakia that had Germans living in it, much like what Putin is doing in Ukraine. Attacking Czechoslovakia would have France attacking Germany and Britain would have to back them up. Hitler totally lied ... Hitler, you twat! Britain declared war on Germany after a good cry and when Poland was invaded. We really did fuck over Czechoslovakia to try to appease Germany.     



9) We're gonna invade Greece. In 1944 the allies had to make Hitler think we were going to invade Greece but really we were invading Italy. A dead homeless guy from Wales was dressed up as a Royal Marines Officer and dropped into the Mediterranean sea. His uniform had been pre-worn, there were made up love letters, ticket stubs and a receipt for an engagement ring in his pockets and a case with fake invasion details. Operation Mincemeat it was known as and the Nazis took the bait and deployed some of their forces to Greece making the invasion of Italy easier than it would have been.     


10) I'm not a crook, Richard Nixon was a crook. In 1972 five men were caught breaking into the Democratic National Committee headquarters, they were connected with Nixon's reelection campaign and then it turned out that Nixon had been bugging the competition, he lied about it but before he was impeached or convicted  he resigned in 1974, his VP who then became president Gerald Ford pardoned him.
 
Intern blowjobs or classified e-mails, just bluff it out and lie. 

11) I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Oh yes you did. In 1998 Bill Clinton lied about an affair he had with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. He later admitted an "improper physical relationship" that was "not appropriate." Clinton was acquitted of all charges and remained in office, he totally fucked up Al Gore's chances and paved the way for G.W. Bush to steal win the 2000 election.


12) Building 7 fell down. During the 9/11 attack of 2001, building 7 was designed to be a command structure for 7 intelligence and law enforcement agencies should disaster strike and had George Bush's Royal Doulton porcelain collection all of which was very well insured. The building sustained minor damage and had fires, then within 6.5 seconds the building collapsed into its own footprint. Buildings 3, 4, 5 and 6 also had fires but neither collapsed.


13) Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, no it did not. Our soldiers are still fighting and dying there because Bush and Blair both lied. Neither have had to answer for their lies as of yet .... but soon.         


14) Of course I'll still respect you in the morning. Yeah cos getting yer hole is all about respect.


Trust no one and check everything. If you read a story about Christians being killed in Syria don't go believing all the Christian based sites that carry it but no one else does. Don't believe sites like 'Before it's news' or other sites that crackpots can make up .... yes like Wikipedia.

I won't always be here for you to tell you the correct thing to think, someday SG-19 will track me down and double tap me cos I knows too much. Think, question and don't let yer agenda or issues cloud yer logic.