Thursday, 28 August 2014

Go Uzi On Yer Children

9mm Uzi Sub Machine gun.

So anyway, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE??????? My blog will exist as long as people are fuckwits ..... and as long as me heart can take the stress.

I get the whole American 2nd amendment thing, ya need to have weapons in case you need to overthrow the government again, not that the government would let you overthrow it. Fat civvie with his AR15 versus a tank or drone ... or a trained soldier who doesn't pee himself when shit gets real. Yer only fooling yerself. 


A 9 year-old gurl was being taught how to to fire an Uzi .... a great starter weapon I'm sure you'll agree.
Take a tip from Kony and start them off with an AK47 ya twats. So this family were on holiday in Arizona (probably touring America's Hellmouths) and stopped by the Last stop shooting range for a Burgers and Bullets day were you get lunch and the chance to shoot a choice of over 20 automatic weapons .... sounds like a holiday to never forget.

The instructor, Charles Vacca should have been ready for what happens when you fire a weapon on automatic, maybe he had a brain fart, the parents certainly did.

After shooting on single shot (9mm is like a pop gun) she switched to auto, his last words were, “All right, full auto." The gun was too much for the little gurl to control and it reared up with the rapid recoil and shot the instructor in the head.

The range lets children as young as eight use machine guns with parental supervision ... yay for the 2nd fucking amendment. I'm sure that the founding fathers had this in mind.

So one guy (with a young family) is dead and a young gurl's life is ruined, well done those trigger happy parents, YES IT IS YER FAULT YOU DICKHEADS! a holiday to never forget, lets hope her teacher doesn't get her to write what she did during the summer. Look at her, does she seem like she could control a machine gun?

What is wrong with some people?

 They look terrified to me and is that first lad shooting birds?

Well we know what's wrong with Al Qaeda, ISIS Hezbollah and Hamas, they're fucking terrorist wank stains convinced by religious brainwashing (just like Christians and Jews) that they are superior, they don't just teach their children how to shoot but how to kill and die.

I am just disgusted at these parents and the burgers and bullets day .... learn how to shoot up yer school cos shooting is fun! Every time you fancy a burger I want you to equate it with shooting. Does any of this sound like responsible behaviour?  I'm all for guns (with background checks and age limits) but I am not for this.

It also saddens me that these parents have to handle this to do the least possible damage to the child, they are so going to fuck her up even more. "Hey lil Brittany, the best way to get over this is to get back to the firing range, so we've bought you a Smith & Wesson M&P15, just like James Holmes had .... oh you probably know him as the Batman shooter, pah! kids today. "



    

 

Police Taser Blackman


Police tasered 47 year-old Ron Blackman for disturbing the peace. Mr Blackman's friend Dorian Gray claims that it was the police who disturbed Mr Blackman's peace by arresting him .... sorry,  not much of a story really.


The Truth About Area 51



I first became aware of Area 51 in 1946, that was the year before they found the crashed space ship from the faction who foolishly rebelled against our present Overlords. I was working with our newly found allies the Nazis on a program that would take famous people from history and reproduce them today.



Why would anyone do that? Well wouldn't it be great if the world had another Lincoln or Gandhi? Yeah maybe not Gandhi, he was a bit too radical with all that talk of peaceful protest, who the fuck gets anywhere with peaceful protest? ... Yeah well they did get the British out of India the ungrateful bastards, the next time we'll let the Japs get through Burma, then you'll be sorry.

We were able to dig Abraham Lincoln up and with Nazi know how and technology from the Greys we made a copy. Did he rise to power after being given the best education possible? .... Nope he just couldn't be bothered and looked just too odd.

 John Kerry challenges Hilary Clinton to an arm wrestle ... he lost.

Wildcard George Washington got a second go as John Kerry. Who would have guessed that a failed soldier and famous traitor to the crown would be such a useless, dithering Secretary of State ?

Honest Abe wasn't as great as everyone says he was, sure he stopped the US from being over run by vampires but he was a bit of an egomaniac and tyrant worse than Obama or Bush have ever been .... not a crime, I'm just sayin like.
 
A math teacher who got fired when things didn't add up. 

After a failed career in teaching, Lincoln got a small office in the Pentagon and became a presidential adviser.
If you think that the things the US government does now are doon to Bush or Obama then think again.
Lincoln had his own Guantanamo, known as Camp Douglas, 1862 - 1865 the camp was intended to hold 6,000 Civil war prisoners but went on to hold 12,000. Not enough food, they fed prisoners rotting meat. Diseases like smallpox and malaria were pretty common and freezing conditions killed many. The rag heads at Gitmo should count their blessings, the Civil war POW's would have loved bacon with every meal.

Obama often speaks with Lincoln and never fails to mention in the media what an inspiration he was to him. However the Emancipation Proclamation only happened if he was to get the credit for it, one of his Generals declared thousands free when he took over South Carolina, Florida, and Georgia but Lincoln reversed that until he was good and ready some months later. Remember when you were told that you were free? .... Just kidding!

Lincoln also wanted rid of the blacks in America, free them sure but don't live near me. He really pushed for them to get shipped off  to remote colonies and saw smallpox and starvation as only little problems of this plan.

He really hated Native Americans and did one of the biggest land grabs in history kicking out the Navajos and Mescalero Apaches, forcing them to march 450 miles to a reservation/death camp so he could have New Mexico .... the railway was more important, see the Pacific Railway Act of 1862 .

Of course taking over and controlling the media isn't original, Lincoln had the military take over some main newspapers in 1864. During war anything goes, A Democrat who criticized Lincoln was arrested and deported to the south .... fuck yer free speech.   

He suspended habeas corpus which is the government having a reason for detaining someone ... sounds like the Patriot act to me.

History is repeating itself but it's not because of a lack of knowledge of it, it's because it's what we do and it's new to us. 


You can't blame the clone of course, a different environment growing up will produce a very different person but don't be so quick to dismiss genetics. Some people will be the same no matter what.

Another experiment we did was with Hitler. What if we prevented him from being a vegetarian and Austrian, would he have been so evil then?  When the US recruited many former Nazis into it's science programs we had the contacts we needed to convince Adolf (who was living in Argentina) to provide us with um, man custard material. 

He provided 2 pints of home made yogurt for the benefit of mankind. We had so many Hitlers that we just put them out for adoption.

Our best result was Dave from Leeds, a factory worker who lends his time to the next generation as a scout leader and who also enjoys the odd Big Mac or two with his grand kids.

We really did think that being a vegetarian was what caused the Holocaust but Dave insists that everything in the world can be solved by getting rid of the immigrants and going back to good old family values which he really believes in hence his three marriages.

Yes, Dave did vote UKIP and demonstrates that he certainly isn't a racist as the media have portrayed UKIP by protesting at his local Sainsbury's against selling Israeli friendly products.

"I'm not a racist, I'm just proud to be a white Englishman in God's chosen nation. The English people happen to be white, hey I didn't make up the rules, God did."

He is currently writing a book about his life which has been deeply affected by the British Boy Scout movement, look for it in the shops it's called My Camp.


What I have told you here is top secret and it the truth. Shady government agencies may try to discredit me by saying I'm a drunk, a drug addict, a rapist, a pedo, a murderer, mentally unstable ... don't believe them, well ok you can believe some of it maybe 98% but that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person when you get to know me or that all of this isn't true. 

As Lee Harvey Oswald said, "I'm just a patriot" aye they changed it to patsy and had him killed to shut him up. I still have his head which upon occasion comes back to life and tells me secrets, he told me who used microwaves to pop JFK's head and he doesn't like the X-Factor, he says that  Simon Cowell is creepy, when he's right he's right.

   

 

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Old Knudsen Reviews Guardians Of The Galaxy

If yer fast you can see Gamora do a massive yawn in a slo-mo walk scene.

Old Knudsen is a Marvel fan, the days of an unknown beefcake in spandex playing a super hero has gone, now we get known stars to work out and play super heroes. Sure the movies aren't deep, what they are is entertaining. 
Guardians of the galaxy movie has been around for a few weeks so I can now talk about it. It's about a ragtag group of aliens who become the guardians of the galaxy when they save it from a bad dude. They also become friends too.

 Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how this machine works...

Chris Pratt plays Peter Quill otherwise known as Star Lord, the famous outlaw that no one has heard of. 
He was abducted from Earth in 1988 aged 10 on the same night that his mother died from cancer. The only thing he has to remember her is his walkman and a mix tape she made for him full of dodgy 60's and 70's music that plays all throughout the movie.

Songs like Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I’m Not in Love, Cherry Bomb, Hooked on a Feeling, and yon PiƱa Colada Song .... did anyone else know that it wasn't penis colada? It sorta makes sense now. 
Such dodgy American music, I half expected James Earl Jones to interrupt the music by talking about Sprint texting and calling charges.  

Space doesn't have music as many seemed quite confused about it. The Jackson 5 would confuse anyone I suppose.

 I am Groot.

Vin Diesel plays a CGI tree named Groot, his script goes like this, I am Groot only to be changed later to We are Groot. It's his best work since Iron Giant, the man is an acting legend. Is there any stuffed nosed nasally deep voice that he can't do?

 Well I wasn't listening then, I was thinking about something else.

Drax the destroyer was a fun character, a walking muscle with Aspergers. When it's mentioned that metaphors go over his head he says, "NOTHING goes over my head!... My reflexes are too fast, I would catch it."


This was the movie that Karen Gillan shaved her head for. She breaks out her American space accent to play Nebula, a cyborg adopted daughter to evil space dude Thanos. She did well enough, I like seeing the acting methods she used throughout her time as Amy Pond in Doctor Who, she does this slight wobbly head thing and the teenage gurl slouch with a slanted tilt to her head for a pose. 

Uhuru was painted green and a talking raccoon shot big guns .... bored now. 


It was Chris Pratt who made the movie work. He's a great comedic actor and very likeable. His Character Peter Quill is like Han Solo and Indiana Jones combined, he has grown up with the heart ache of losing his mother and not knowing his father so he invested his time in being a walking ego with a glib comment or chat up line for every occasion. 

His most memorable scenes would be getting cattle prodded to Hooked on a feeling and challenging the big mean bad guy Ronan the Accuser to a dance off ..... I'm distracting you, you big turd blossom! 

As for surviving in space without a suit and breathing apparatus, NASA has said that it is possible for a few minutes and being part alien (it isn't a spoiler it's been known for years) he is stronger than the average human. 

Gamora:  And Quill, your ship is filthy. 

Peter Quill: Oh she has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. 

Only Benicio del Toro could make this Liberace look seem menacing.  

The Collector who has only been seen on end credit scenes has a real scene, you get to see his collection a little more. There are Easter eggs for the comic buff to spot such as Adam Warlock's cocoon, Cosmo the space dog and a Dark Elf from Thor II .... After the credits you get to see Howard the Duck too .... A Howard the duck movie re-boot is not on the cards thank fuck. 

You can always spot the amateurs to Marvel movies, they leave before the credits end and miss the teaser scene at the end. There will be a Guardians of the galaxy II and I'll be there. 

There was more swearing in this film than usual, many jokes that teenagers won't get and of course the annoying ear worm music. It seemed like a long movie but it's packed full of jokes, explosions and action. No tits or ass but Marvel doesn't do that, it only does space violence and talking animals.  

There wasn't even any rape jokes during the prison scenes. When you go to prison you expect rape right? I mean what's the point of going if there is no rape?

 




Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Why I Didn't Join Hamas


Things people say to me often have me thinking then I go and type it doon to get rid of it. When talking about Palestine and Hamas I've had at least 3 people say something like, 'If you or I had lived in Palestine we'd join Hamas and fight against Israel who came in and took our land' ..... I really don't like people speaking for me as that implies that they know me.   

How could mere mortals understand the depths that is Old Knudsen? 

 Old Knudsen serving his cuntry.

Northern Ireland is a land that has shaped and influenced Old Knudsen's life. We are no strangers to terrorism and have lived with it as a part of our daily lives. The IRA relate to Palestine in regards that the British came in here and took over 6 counties in the north which the IRA want back no matter who lives here now, this happened officially in 1921. Ya know what Old Knudsen never did? He never took up the IRA's armed struggle against Britain.

Maybe it was the shooting and blowing up of innocent men weemen and children that did it. Soldiers in the army do not wake up one day and say, 'I think I'll blow up some cunts as they stand at a war memorial' as the IRA did during the Remembrance Day bombing in 1987 that killed 12. No, that is what terrorists do.

Terrorists cause terror to the people they claim to stand for, they kill and maim anyone for their own agenda. They don't care that a bomb hoax has you, old people and babies out in the cold for 5 hours at 3am, they don't care that children are playing beside the bomb they've hidden in a car. They use fear to make sure that no one informs on them, they think nothing of making a widowed mother of 10 disappear just on suspicion of informing.

The Middle east terrorists go a step further than the IRA by convincing and forcing men, women and children to strap a bomb onto their bodies and to blow themselves up to take some targets with them.

You'll not catch the IRA blowing themselves up (on purpose) for their cause of a united Ireland, no, they'll just blow up other Irish people for the cause ..... bombing Irish people to get a united Ireland, that logic is totally Irish. 

Lets get rid of terms like paramilitary or freedom fighters, the IRA and their Protestant counterparts are terrorist scumbags who moved on to be drug dealing criminal scumbags.

The IRA bombed innocent civilians (killing 5) in the town of Coventry in England in 1940 as an audition for the Nazis for fucks sake.  

Some parts of the British military enabled terrorists and were bias towards one side but their are always some bad apples, I was not one of them.


I saw the toll that terrorism had upon our tiny island and I didn't feel the need to attack the British, I felt the need to attack the kind of wankers who wake up and decide to kill 29 people out doing their Saturday afternoon shopping. They are the ones doing the most harm.

So I already know that I wouldn't join Hamas if I lived there because I had the choice to make already. Of course the people talking about this probably have never held a gun in their lives and the idea of being a noble freedom fighter against an evil foe is purely academic, it's safe to talk about it if there is no chance of it ever happening.

 
Maybe they have never even been in a fight of any sort who knows? They could always take up the Jihad like so many idealistic people have, there is nothing stopping them. Even those in Hamas in Palestine have gone off to fight in Syria when they haven't been firing rockets at Israel, there is always some rag head looking to behead someone.

I talked the talk and backed it up with the walk, that walk put me and my family as targets for these terrorists, I am still careful about security these days as the wankers haven't gone away. The people living next door to you might be connected to terrorists, the middle aged friendly lady cashier at the local shop may still believe in her KAT (kill all taigs) tattoo that she crudely did herself when she was 16 .....  it's a small island.

I speak from a position of experience when I tell you that Hamas are scumbags who don't care about anyone .... ANYONE.  One of their tactics is firing rockets at Israel so that Israel will return fire ten fold to that area, they know it will happen.
Yes they fire from the grounds of schools and hospitals but they aren't there when the return fire is sent. That is a tactic, they mean to do it, they have done it over and over. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I don't know how much simpler I can make it without feeling the need to lick a window meself.

 Supporters at a Hamas funeral in the West Bank.
  
Hamas aren't cuddly or noble, they are fanatical killers. I'd love to be so sheltered in life that I've never met fanatical killers or wanna be hoods. I'd love to only see the good in people and if there isn't any then fool myself because it's easy to do when you don't have to meet these people face to face. 

Have these people tried not to make their hand shake as a guy in a bar in Rathcoole with a crazed glint in his eye invites you to press a part of his head where a bullet made a hole? 

I've seen the pictures of the dead children and it's terrible, I've read the story of the Israeli officer who shot the 10 year-old girl 17 times to make sure she was dead even though she wasn't a threat, I've seen Hamas break ceasefire after ceasefire, kidnapping an Israeli soldier during one and while Israel was sending in aid for the Palestinian people Hamas were sending 83 rockets to Israel.

If you think that Hamas are anything but murdering terrorists then you are a fool. I'm not excusing Israel for their behaviour either, they have played into Hama's hands very well.

Just remember, Israel is not an invading army, they have been right there on that same ground since 1209 BCE, many people throughout the ages have forced them out but I'd say they have a fair enough claim to a place formerly known as Judea.
Arabs make up 20% of Israel's 8 million population, it isn't invading outsiders these people are cousins, so Hamas are not just firing rockets to kill Israelis, they are also trying to kill the 1,688,600 Arabs under Israeli iron dome protection.     

This isn't a black and white topic that many liberals seem to think it is, you can't just deny the facts if they don't suit the fairytale you've told yerself because others who have a better grasp of reality will call bullshit.  

If I lived there I'd move to Israel, it's a lot bloody safer.

Chronic Anger Disorder

I don't want to see yer nipples pop out anyway.

I work with a lovely therapist lass on issues such as sex addiction, kleptomania, attachment disorder and anger management. I don't think I'd be so angry if the judge hadn't forced me to get help for problems that really seem like OTHER PEOPLE'S FUCKING FAULT!!!!

So I'm writing about things that have bothered me recently. Chronic Anger Disorder or CAD affects 4/10 people and can result in unfriending and stalking with intent to murder. Stupid people voicing opinions are thought to be one of the main triggers of it. 


1) I'm still banging on about Gaza, yes the loss of life is terrible but blame Hamas ya stupid gits, why you keep ignoring the elephant in the room? Ach it's all a chess game between Hamas and Fatah and it's not like you have the brain power to ken it. Away and protest in a Sainsburys or Tesco, that will help I'm sure.
News reports use a wording that has Israel launches attack on Gaza .... then it mentions it was in retaliation for rockets fired at Israel, they sort of gloss over that bit a little. There are more forces at play than the average reader knows about and so the Russell Brand types will lament over the loss of life without really engaging their brains on what caused it.

I don't cheer for Israel or excuse their actions but I have to support them as the alternative are a people who would behead me for their god .... they can fuck right off. 


2) The antisemitism that has swept the world since July. Some people cannot distinguish between the government of Israel and Jews around the world. This is playing into the hands of radical Muslims and neo-Nazis. There has been an increase in right wing parties in politics, this is known as protest voting as they are really dissatisfied with all other parties so they will gladly vote for bigots who blame the immigrants or anyone else.   
This happens during a recession, the mindless mob sees problems and no solutions, when someone comes along and speaks their thoughts they vote for them which is how Hitler came to power.

It's also how Obama came to power, he promised hope and change at a time when the people needed it, he also brought with him a skin colour that would show America as being "modern" that right there played on America's white man's guilt and it would be racist not to vote for him.

I hate Nazis and I hate that mindset. The Israeli government have employed that mindset against the Palestinians to a point but to attack Jews in Paris or London is down right stupid, like how people attacked Muslims or anyone they thought was Muslim after 9/11.

I won't stand for bigotry or the lack of thinking that goes along with it.   

 Protesters/rioters in Ferguson looking to get shot, and they'll deserve it. 

3) The shooting of Michael Brown. I don't care what colour he is/was he was a petty criminal. Some claim that the CCTV shows him paying for the cigars (I don't see it) but why then ignore him grabbing the store owner, that was not a discussion, that was intimidation.

You don't give his friend Dorian Johnson a TV interview afterwards, you arrest him and question him. What that ghetto hood said was total lies and highly improbable, typical of a criminal trying to cover himself and his friend. Evidence and other eye witnesses back up the police account . This is not a tragic waste of life, why aren't you yapping about the two unarmed white guys shot dead by police in that same week?  We don't have white man's guilt over slavery in the UK it was just a matter of time before the lad got killed on the streets anyway. It's good that it happened before he killed someone.  

He was ghetto trash, just like those who looted stores after his death, just like those who riot in his name and just like the scum in Northern Ireland who parade and riot when they don't get their way. The police in Ferguson are doing something called crowd control, you need tear gas and rubber bullets ..... better than real bullets no? This is what police do.

I'll no likely get called a racist even though I'm not, it's dickheads I'm against no matter their skin colour and Michael Brown and his friend were dickheads. Did he deserve to get shot? well if you attack a cop, then charge at him why yes you do deserve to get shot, death by cop is an American past time.  If I was in that cop's shoes I'd shoot too, of course I'd use less bullets cos I'm cool as Vanilla Ice. 

Steven Sotloff the next American journalist on the beheading list.


4) ISIS killing some folks. I have been sickened by the severed heads, the road side executions, the Yazidi persecution and now an American gets beheaded. The towel heads attack the press because it gets more coverage.
ISIS annoy me because I don't like bullies, I'd love to go toe to toe against these Jahadis and show them that my god (.50 cal Barret M107 ) is the wey.
We went to war over oil and family grudges, lets go to war against cowardly scumbags who think they can murder and do as they please. Stop cutting the armed forces and deploy them instead.

Many think we don't want another war but this one against Islamic fascism would be just and that is what we need. Do the Iraqis want to live under ISIS? C'mon west we fucked up the Middle east more than it already was, we need to go back and at least try to fix it ..... why should ISIS be allowed to sell oil?

 I keep challenging Kate Upton and Christina Hendricks but they don't listen.

5) The Ice bucket challenge, this annoys and amuses me, seeing people like Stephen King, Sarah Palin and George W Bush getting cold water poured over them is funny but like the make up free selfies all of this appeals to vanity and is passive aggressive peer pressure.
You don't want to be named and shamed as the person who didn't do it, Like how Charlie Sheen threw 10 grand over himself instead of ice and challenged his Two and a half men stars and it's producer to do the same .... he has some real hate issues going on there.

What does it say about our society that charities have to provide the MRI machines and the research into illness? It's hard to take some of the larger charities seriously when the CEO is getting a huge salary and other employees are well looked after too, it kinda defeats the purpose.

We're raising money to keep us employed and what's left over will go to research or awareness. Fuck awareness, it's called a blog, Twitter or Facebook and it's free. If you don't know about Cancer or Africa by now you never will .... oh and I forgot about Alzheimer's .... I always forget about ....     

Was suffering from ALS before everyone else jumped on the bandwagon. 

Many who take the ice bucket challenge just do it to be one of the cool kids, I doubt they all donate to ALS, but they should cos it's really not a nice way to go being trapped inside a body that no longer moves.
The people who have been going on about wasting water annoy me more than the challenges do, yer wasting oxygen ya tossers, away an protest at yer local golf club, the amount of water wasted on ghey 'play a round with the boys' golf is the kind of waste that dries up towns and lowers the water table, the ice bucket challenge is a drop in the ocean compared to golf .... do the challenge on yer fucking lawn to shut them up.

ALS or Motor neurone disease is one of the over looked charities that we actually need awareness for, the reason why it's overlooked is because only 30,000 in the US have it and only 5,000 in the UK have it ..... no money to be made looking for a cure.

Wouldn't it be nice if governments paid for such research, drugs and equipment? Wouldn't it be nice if charity executives cut back on expenses and bonuses so they could raise more?

Trivialise charity events and appeal to vanity of the donor, the winner with the catchiest idea gets the loot, as simple as that. I only donate to edgy hardly known charities cos I'm hardcore and against the system.  

It's all good fun and for a good cause right? .... no, it's a business.    




Monday, 25 August 2014

The Militarization Of The Police Must Stop


 





PSNI Chief Constable George Hamilton has addressed public concern about the militarization of the police service of Northern Ireland.
Unlike the police on mainland Britain the PSNI carry sidearms and during riots will use tear gas and rubber bullets, while the police in England just use stern, loud, clear words like, "Refrain from this anti-social behaviour at once .... or legal action shall ensue." .... "desist!"


With the problems of Ferguson Missouri being featured on the news, the British people have looked at their own police body armour and equipment and said, "that gear looks expensive and probably protects the wearer from bricks and petrol bombs somewhat, we had better put a stop to it as I don't like seeing it on the news."



As a step down to make riots more public friendly the police will be told to dress more casually, maybe in a wooly sweater or cardigan. Chief Constable Hamilton has already introduced Nerf guns to replace the tear gas launchers.

Hamilton from his office in Malibu said, "We don't want police officers to look intimidating, especially during  a period of civil unrest, what if an object thrown at an officer bounced off their helmet and hit a member of the public? Also those tear gas and rubber bullet launchers could put someone's eye out so a Nerf gun firing a projectile with a soft foam tip instead of the standard rubber end will replace them."   

New EU laws, aimed at not offending anyone and showing up the Americans will come into force at the start of next year making it compulsory to take a 30 minute break after every 2 hours of rioting. It is hoped that by 2018, riots will be banned completely.

Hamilton continues, "If the protesters ..... rioters is too aggressive a term, had been asked what they wanted from the shops they looted there wouldn't have been as much trouble. This whole situation could all have been avoided had the American police adapted our 3 strikes law."    

The three strikes law allows the public 3 strikes at the police officers before they are allowed to defend themselves ..... if they can. Our system is not perfect as an alleged criminal sued the Police Service of Northern Ireland in 2110 when he broke two fingers while punching an officer, the officer was accused of not being fully in a fetal position.  







The Slavistan Job

See how I blend into another culture.

We flew low over Slavistan to avoid radar contact though the whole bloody cuntryside could hear and see us, luckily cell phones weren't widely very available back then. The Spooks on board eyed me suspiciously, they were getting out when the plane landed in Turkey with their gagged, blindfolded and trussed up cargo. They didn't ask me questions and I didn't ask them any.

The Crew chief carefully made his way to the back of the Globemaster and told me to get ready to jump. I didn't use a parachute like the soft fuckers did, I dooned a bottle of beat the wife to loosen up and hoped that God would catch me in his sweet and gentle embrace.

That jump is a little hazy to this day but I remember having second thoughts just as the bay door opened.
As Alexander the great once said, "curry flavours the bald" I ran and leapt into the icy cold air, as I was hurtling towards some tree tops I remembered that my Colonel said I was expendable, fuck! I had thought he said dependable.
When I get a second wee dialog going on in my head I tend to miss what people are saying to me or sometimes I'm thinking about the theme to Scooby Doo  and the next thing you know I'm married or have agreed to rub someone's bunions .

The trees didn't feel as lush and fluffy as they looked from the air but they did break my fall, and some ribs, lucky I had some spare.

I checked my map under the nearly full moon, I had 10 miles to do in cross cuntry and had two hours to do it in.

As I moved as quickly as I could over rough terrain with poor light I heard some male voices up ahead. I stopped, quietly moving to a tree for cover. Three males in a mix of civilian and military clothing with rifles slung over their shoulders passed me by 12 feet away, they were durty swarthy types so probably didn't notice my scent of alcohol, piss and stale cum.

Why where they out in the middle of nowhere? probably just looking for sheep to bum. Once clear I pressed on, my animal senses alert to every sound my inner eye reaching out like psychic radar to warn me if someone awaited me in the dark.
After 5 hours I reached my objective, the picnic and nap that I wasn't supposed to have did me good, olives are kind of salty yet metallic, very odd, I'd be burping them up for hours to come.

A grand two story hoose with thick brown tiles on the roof and ornate eaves, a small wall surrounded it and according to intel there would be two sentries on the wall at all times.

I ghost walked towards the complex with my Sterling submachine gun at the ready, the suppressed version of course, now would not be a great time to fire it though as it was a still and silence darkness. Closer is always better.
The nearest sentry was day dreaming and probably didn't even register the grab around the mouth and the thrust of the knife being pushed up into his kidneys. I propped him up and headed along the inner wall using the shadows as I headed towards the main building.

I was excited, tired and a little itchy ... fucking allergies. Gaining entry to the main house from the kitchen I could hear the snoring of the guards from doon the hall. No one expected company, this was their home turf where they beheaded people who didn't show enough respect. No one ever expects The Company.

It was a big hoose and if I wasn't on business I'd be taking some of the nice shit they have. The stairs were solid, I just had to remember which room was which, the drawing that our operative had done of the layout missed a lot of detail... like about 4 various doors and an alcove.

The room up ahead was his bedroom which he shared with a lovely lady 20 years his junior. I slowly opened the door and went to the bed, only the gurl was there, my mind was racing where could he be at 3:15am oh look she's not bad is she? .... focus focus.   

His study of course. I went back to the hall way and orientated myself to find his study. In the near total darkness I could see it was a very solid door with panels and metal studs, I really liked what he had done with the place. From under the door I could see a faint light, a reading lamp maybe?

The door was heavy and as I opened it my eyes stung in the dim light. He was sitting at his desk, his head propped up by his hand, he must have been leaning on the table writing something and dozed off as his pen was balancing loosely in his other hand.

I had a picture of him taped to the inside of my wrist, it was him.  Should I wake him? If someone dies in their sleep do they know they are dead?

He might call out if I wake him, the power of life and death was with me, I felt like a god, "are you going to kill me or just watch me sleeping? it's really quite creepy."

He had just spoiled my moment, "sorry Sahabbi old chap, this isn't personal" I put one between his eyes, the clank of the bolt broke the silence, I paused with my head cocked, nope I was clear.

He was dead, job well done. I had time to look through his desk and collected some little books with some barbaric scribbling in them, the romance languages were my thing all this ach ne aba allah shite was gibberish, luckily these Mooslims are too poorly organised to be of any great threat to the world.  
I went back into the bedroom for another long look at yon lass and wiped it off on his velvet curtains, consider it my calling card ..... later I discovered that the Russians had made clones out of my other calling cards and made an army to kill me, that would be 20 years later as at this time no one knew about that sort of stuff, it was science fiction.

It really was darkest before the dawn, I seemed less agile and more clumsy on my hike away from the complex. I was to make my own way to a safe port, like the colonel had said, "expendable."

I don't know when the body was discovered I bet the sentry was found first. I caught and skinned an elderly farmer and wore his skin as a disguise for three weeks as I made my way out .... well I lived with his wife for two of those weeks, she nagged something rotten but could really cook and was a sex machine for someone in her early 90's, she may have figured things out when I couldn't speak the lingo we'll never know.

I got to a friendly port and then back to the office in Poland, they really did not expect me back and meeting my younger, taller over educated replacement was quite awkward, I got a swift promotion to the office in Somalia, in yer face new boy.

Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning as I start to sober up I am hit by regrets ... I regret I had not labeled all the panties I had stolen from my jobs, ach we all have regrets. 
   

  



     

            

 

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Curvy Sunday

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Welcome to my most important weekly post on this fine day of worship. Weemen are sexy, rioting, beheading, bombing and lusting after children are not!
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Since it obviously doesn't say that in the Bible or any other holy book then it's lucky for you that I post on Sundays. 
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The ladies this week seem to have some dangerous bends so caution is advised. 
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This lass demanded more exposure so I obliged. 
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This one is back too with a warning about getting crap looking tattoos.
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Weemen with crappy tats probably makes other rash and stupid decisions too so keep up hope that they may shag you by accident. 
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Old Knudsen is all about giving hope to losers, no offense meant ... well maybe a little. 
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Have a soft, smooth and round day .... don't listen to any preachers, they have control issues. 

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Top General Reveals Tactics Used Against ISIS

A top US General has revealed military tactics employed against the Islamist terrorist group ISIS. Having over 500 military advisers in Iraq seems to be paying off.

To the untrained eye it looked as if the popular fanatical group had swept through Iraq taking cities and large swathes of land with little opposition as the Iraqi army panicked and fled but that is not the case.

ISIS have been on social media showing off all the US equipment they have seized and have used US artillery against the Kurds in the north. Some of their fighters have been taunting the US to send in troops to take it back, shit got serious when they double dog dared the US on Twitter.

Michelle Obama responded by challenging Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi the leader of ISIS to do the ice bucket challenge for ALS, as expected his 24 hour response time came and went and now he looks like a cunt for not doing it .... well played Mrs First Lady.   

 


General David Petraeus explained, "We had the whole thing planned, we want ISIS to use US made weapons and equipment, we want ISIS to drive US military vehicles, we want ISIS to wear US military uniforms and body armor."



"We worked closely with the Iraqi military to decide what routes to use when they bravely ran away and what equipment to leave behind."

"Research has shown that American troops, pilots and drone operators are more effective with targets they are familiar with, so we are turning our high history of friendly fire to our advantage, we can target our own vehicles and troops in our sleep and sometimes have."

"ISIS have fallen for our trap, their arrogance will be their downfall,  they really don't stand a chance." 

Kiss yer ass goodbye ISIS yer days are numbered. 


Roly Poly Cat Heads


I'm just going to ask this once, did anyone lose a bin bag full of cat heads in Manchester? It was found in an area known as the Curry mile for its abundance of Indian restaurants ..... a total coincidence I'm sure.

Well Manchester city council have it in their lost and found dept. We mustn't be wasteful there are starving children who would love that, also starving pissheads on a Saturday night who don't have a clue nor do that care what they are eating, it all comes out the same.  

Friday, 22 August 2014

UFO Over Houston


On the 11th August during a thunder storm hundreds of people witnessed strange lights over Texas. As Texans gazed, slack jawed up at the sky the lights seemed to move in and out of formation. A UFO packed with angry Republican voting alien hybrids or the sparks from Thor's hammer as he smashes the anvil to create the storm? ..... tough call. 
 

The news suggested it might be a freeway light ..... that flew up into the sky, power cord still attached, dislodged each individual light, floated around, formed back up again then floated doon back to over the freeway. They never said that but that is what would have had to happen for that effect to occur high in the sky.   



Dr. Carolyn Sumners, vice president for Astronomy at the Houston Museum of Natural Science was asked what she thought it could be, to sum up her answer, 'no fucking idea' that's what happens when you ask a VP. Should have asked the Air force.
The 99% who voted on whether or not they believed in extraterrestrials also believe that Saddam blew up the WTC and there is a paradise in the clouds where you can go to after you die ... but only if yer very very good. 


Texas governor Rick Perry took time out from abusing the power of his office and trampling on the reproductive rights of weemen to say, "nothing to see here, it was the light shining off yer anus"  he then unhinged his jaw and swallowed a large Guinea pig. I do have to say that his hair looked perfect as he gulped that bad boy doon.

What does Old Knudsen think it was? It was an unidentified flying object, that's what. Go on with yer life yer better not knowing ... look! Kim Kardashian uploaded yet another selfie to Twatter, must go and see.  

The Islamic State Harshly Mocks America

IS terrorists Reyaad Khan in the middle and Nasser Muthana on the right, both from Cardiff, fuck I hate the Welsh!.... they don't look very Welsh.

Mooslims are everywhere! ya can't even fire a Hellcat missile into a U.N. refugee shelter without hitting loads of them .... of course that would be a wrong thing to do probably.
I was reading the Koran the other day and saw a passage about if yer neighbour throws rocks or other missiles at you, hold yer children up in front of you to deflect them with their love, and I thought the Bible was fucked up.

Amidst all this newly rediscovered antisemitism around the world I hope you are still remembering to eye Muslims suspiciously in case they are suicide bombers or something. David Cameron says that 400 Britons are fighting with IS (Islamic State) how does he know this? has there been a census taken?

Maybe cos they are all on twitter mocking the US with all the equipment they have taken. They take pictures with gear that has 'property of the United States Government' on it and dare the US to come and get it back.
Ali Baa El Baa baa@Americantroops
Where are you Americans, come back and play or are you afraid? 


The Obama administration got on it right away and Michelle started a hashtag. I'm surprised there hasn't been more attacks in Britain or the US from radicalised Muslim youths who are UK and US citizens. Maybe they don't want their mammys to know.

Khaled Sharrouf from Sydney ..... Australia, doesn't give a fuck who knows. He posted a picture on Twitter of his seven year-old son holding the head of a Syrian soldier and said, "That's my boy." Then again it's nice that a father and son can do things together, my Da didn't let me near any of the severed heads we had at home ... aye, I have daddy issues.

The 400 who are fighting in Iraq or Syria probably burned their passports in some act of defiance so I doubt they'll be flying back any time soon. Jahadis are not too bright.

There has been a lot of talk from American Conservatives regarding the US/Mexico border. The border is a vast stretch of land and impossible to guard every inch of it. Much goes through private property and these ranchers have set up cameras to see who is going through their land.

   There are fences that just stop ... it's the idea of security that counts.

The ranchers found that lines of about 20 people at a time walked through their property, some with packages on their backs and guards with assault rifles, no doubt drug gangs. To avoid too much attention the drug cartels use young children to carry their drugs through because regular gang members tend to get gang tattoos which is really just a walking advertisement. Coyotes ... guides who are paid to take people across the border often leave them out there to die after taking their money. 

While walking at night they'll point to a radio tower with it's light at the top and tell them, "Right Houston is 20 minutes that way" and they leave. In reality these people could be 200 miles from anywhere, stuck out in the desert. Ranchers often find people on their door step and carry extra water in case they stumble upon any lost souls.  


There are civilian militias who run around with guns playing at being patriots but they soon get bored with all the sitting about in the heat. If they ever happened across a drug cartel they'd pee themselves.

The US/Mexican border is in no way secure and never will be, it's yet another issue to beat Obama with as he has done nothing about it. Like he cares, he is in his second term and is just coasting along.





A documentary maker dressed like Osama Bin laden and crossed a small shallow river to show just how easy it was to do it with no border guards in sight, he could have used a metal bridge on up a little if he didn't want to get his feet wet.

"Finally I'm in America, now for part one of my plan ... Find a Hooters and order a bacon burger and a beer, I'm parched and most hungry and American boobies please my little camel."


I don't think Osama could have done this as I remember putting two in his chest and one in his head as if it was yesterday. On the Statue of liberty it says, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." Now it should say, "Fuck off we're full up, unless you have money and are white."