Friday, 19 September 2014

Abuse? Nah It's Normal

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson is not a child abuser. Sure he may "whoop" his children with switches and belts leaving welts and breaking the skin and he may have his own whooping room but that doesn't make him a child abuser. Yeah he may have struck his 4 year-old son in the nuts, breaking the skin and may have punched him in the face but that doesn't make him a child abuser ..... you know why it doesn't?  because he's one of the Minnesota Vikings' most valuable players.

There have been some who defend Peterson by telling their own stories, former NBA player Charles Barkley said, "I’m from the South. Whipping — we do that all the time. Every black parent in the south is going to be in jail under those circumstances."

Yes and they used to do slavery all the time there too, whipping and slavery was very popular in the south, that doesn't make it right.

Reggie Bush, the Detroit Lions running back called into a radio station and said, “I have a one-year-old daughter, and I discipline her. I definitely will try to … will obviously not leave bruises or anything like that on her. But I definitely will discipline her harshly depending on what the situation is.” It's ok as he was punished the same way. What mischief can a 1 year-old get into that deserves punishment?

Injuries to Peterson's child included cuts and bruises to the child’s back, buttocks, ankles, legs and scrotum, along with defensive wounds to the child’s hands.

The boy said that previously he had been hit by a belt and that “there are a lot of belts in Daddy’s closet” also Peterson put the leaves he took off the switch (a flexible branch) and shoved them in the kid's mouth.

This fine Christian man has 6 children, he had a 2 year-old son who was killed due to child abuse carried out by the mother's boyfriend. 

  Hannity punishing his desk with his belt.

It may surprise you to know that Fox News anchor (what rhymes with anchor?) Sean Hannity was beaten by his father as a child. Hannity says his father used to beat him with a belt and he has never needed to go see a shrink (his words) .... oh yeah, Sean Hannity definitely doesn't need a shrink, oh no.
There is no amount of therapy for CAD, chronic arsehole disorder anyway and look how this fucking nutjob gets on. 
'My father punched me in the face when I answered back and I deserved it' yes Hannity, you probably did.

Hannity thinks that Peterson shouldn't have his career ruin, he should take a class or something. Yeah, there are over 20 marks there and that is just the upper body. If he wasn't a sports star would he back him up so readily? 

Would a class help Peterson? Fuck no, should children have these whooping memories that he oh so wanted his child to remember forever to teach him not to push his brother off a children's mechanical motorcycle ride? The boy is 4 years- old for fucks sake, a single slap or spank if necessary followed by 'do you know why this is bad?' kind of teaching that is always ongoing.

Maybe if you taught yer child manners and respect (not by fear or beatings) then this may not have happened though it's always bound to happen to some degree with children ..... Children also learn from the actions of their parents, dad punched me in the face so I'm gonna punch you. Lead by example you dumb jock fart knocker.

It's one thing to spank yer child but it's totally different to lash out floggings like the Redcoats in Scotland. If you leave welts and break the skin then you have gone too far. Saying that you were punished that way is idiotic reasoning, 'my parents were cunts so it's alright to be a cunt.' 

Corporal punishment is more common in African American, and lower income families like you'd have in the south but that in no way makes any kind of excuse for it. Sometimes race or class isn't an issue, in many cases and the people are just fuckwads. Yes Mr Peterson, I do not worship athletes and you sir ARE a child abuser. 



Thursday, 18 September 2014

Kanye West The New Messiah?

Ken Naughton had won 2 tickets to a Kanye West concert, he wasn't very keen on going but his mother who is a big fan insisted. "I wasn't too fused really, I prefer the likes of One direction, The Vamps and of course J Cats, it was me mum who wanted to go."  

Because Naughton has been in a wheelchair for most of his adult due to severe obesity apathetic syndrome he doesn't get out much. Rolling doon to their local KFC every day and then over to the chinkies later on is about it. His only friends are pizza delivery drivers.

 If he is the new Messiah should we not then torture him and nail him to a cross?

While singing his jaunty hit song Good Life, West told the whole crowd to get up and dance. West who describes himself as a married, Christian man with a family stood on stage refusing to continue until everyone had risen. 

Naughton who was feeling slightly uncomfortable as the other fans glared at him was encouraged to stand by his mother who said, "I knew you'd spoil this for me, you've spoiled my whole life even since that day you came crawling out of me tutting and rolling your eyes and going through my purse for money."   

All of a sudden he felt a warm wet sensation, "It must have been a Kanye West miracle cos I was out of me chair body popping away."   

Kanye West has performed other miracles in his time such as turning ego into a career and fathering a child without ever having sex. The rapper later commented, "Disabled people are lazy ... far worse than any brother and that's saying something, you just have to give them encouragement straight from God."   

Did this miracle make a fan of Naughton? After having recovered from a suspected heart attack he said that the concert was rather naff but ok cos it was free.   

 After all these long-ass verses
I'm tired, you tired, Jesus wept.

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

On The Eve Of The Yes Vote

 The Krankies and John Barrowman .... The best of Scotland.

Tis the eve of the battle in which we stand in defiance of tyranny, you have come to vote as free men and weemen. And vote man you shall! If you can not be bothered to vote and dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back and vote for FREEEDDDOOOOMMMM! 

William Wallace (name means the Welshman) saying to the English to take the land if they are hard enough ... he proved that they weren't. 

The Bagpipe is an instrument introduced by the Roman army when it occupied Britain. It was the Irish who first took to it as they lived amongst the Romans and the northern Celtic tribes as victualers. First mentioned in Ireland in 1206 AD which was 30 years after the Normans had arrived. Ireland has a habit of being invaded which is why we have fuck all natural resources.

The bagpipe in Scotland would not really take off until 200 years later and that was thanks to the English forcing it upon them.

Whiskey was brought over by Irish monks who learned the secrets of distillation in Arabia around about 500 to 600AD ... the Scots invented leaving out the 'e' .

Rob Roy MacGregor was from Ballymena, Northern Ireland. 

The popular traditional meal of Haggis, neeps and tatties isn't very local either. Haggis was eaten in Ancient Greece, neeps or turnips are from Russia and Scandinavia (and only fit for cattle to eat) and tatties are of course potatoes from the new world.

 The Picts were fierce warriors, this young lad would totally fuck you up. 

Before the Romans and before the Scots, the Picts lived in the north, some tribes of Picts were also thought to have lived in Ulster too, hardly surprising as the water way is only 13 miles wide. The Pictish language has more in common with the Welsh and the Cornish than with Irish Gaelic and so probably came from Northern Europe by sea.

 The chasing out of a Sassenach.... from last week.  

The modern Scots came from the north east of Ireland around the 6th century and formed a great Celtic kingdom (along with the Picts) of Dál Riata. In those days it was far easier and safer to take short journeys out to sea than dangerous slow journeys inland. Now both the sea and inland are slow and dangerous, ah how things have changed.

Yes it's true, the Scots were originally Irish, the Gaelic language changed somewhat when the Vikings destroyed the power of Dál Riata and leaving two lots of Celts divided by 13 miles to get on with things.  
The Picts, the Danes and all those who the Romans had brought over and of course the tribes in the north of England make the Scots what they are today.

Left behind .... From proud Scots/Irish to inbred Ulster/Scots.

The Scottish are a very genetically diverse people, whose culture has been forced on them mostly by the English and developed from all over the world, they developed the strengths in their DNA as a form of culture, fighting, getting drunk and being stingy with money gives them a sense of who they are ..... the men are like that too.  

Tomorrow is not just a vote for Scottish independence but for others stuck to partners they want rid off... c'mon Catalonia, yer next.
Doctor Who is a Scot (not one pretending to be English) and after all these years it had to be this year that Outlander finally made it to the TV, we are being prepped.  

This vote may piss off half the nation of Scotland no matter which way it goes, a 51% of votes is not what a new nation should be based on, but it means something far deeper. Not just a thumb in the eye of the smug English but proof that there is another way than what we are told.

Vote YES for Scottish independence .... not because it's the best thing to do but because of the great potential to fuck up even more than just the UK.  Chaos is cool!

Love Me Love My Service Dog

He got all his veteran type gear on for the camera.

Richard Hunter a 50 year-old US Army veteran suffers from severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and barely leaves his home. His life has been turned around when in July he got 'Buttlick' a service dog from the non-profit group Dogs4Warriors.

Well he didn't say the name of his wonderful dog so I added one.

His son and boyfriend also got dressed for the camera with panties on their heads.

Hunter hadn't taken his son out in over 10 years and decided to take him and his co-worker out to lunch at Subway in Paterson, New Jersey. Hunter adds that going to Subway isn't a big deal to most people but is a very difficult thing for him to do. 

When Hunter gets anxiety Buttlick will sense this with his super dog senses and nuzzle his hand to bring him back to the moment rather than dwelling in the past. 

What a heart breaking story and it gets worse.  As they entered the Subway the manager Mitul Ahmed who is a Moosalim, yelled at them to get out. 

 Death to the great Satan! 

Get that dog outta here, I don't care if it's a service dog I can refuse service or blow up anyone ... Takbir, you infidel scum! .... I may have juiced up the manager's reaction for effect.

Hunter who has PTSD and anxiety if you remember argued his case with the manager, then he phoned the restaurant owner who was just as uncaring about the situation. 

Hunter then contacted ABC news and a disability rights group about his case because he wants to raise awareness about service dogs. 

Calm and relaxed in front of the camera 

Hunter just wants an apology.  So far the restaurant has changed the service dog sign from service dogs welcome to just ask, we'll help. They have also been less than apologetic and the manager even denies having been there on the occasion and pretends to not be the manager. 

I don't know what the true story is but I do see some stereotypes at play here. The vet with his cap on (it's an American thing I guess) defined as being someone who served in the military during the 80's I guess, going by his age when the US was engaged in that war with .......????  It was the Marines sent into Lebanon and after Noriega, the army only get sent in anywhere after the Marines are used up.

The Muslim manager who hates dogs, as Muslims do apparently and of course they are allowed to lie to non-Muslims or some such shite. 

Most of these I'm a veteran stories usually have more to them like the vet who was told he couldn't make and sell furniture from his garage and the vet who like this case had a Service dog but the bus driver argued that it was a comfort dog as it misbehaved jumping up and down on the seats.

Yes, Hunter no doubt went to the classes at the V.A. for his anxiety and was awarded a dog but most veterans never see any action except on the telly. I don't like being played by these constant veteran and patriot stories from the US.    

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Death To The Sheeple

What fucking use is a phone line if the Internet is down? You just don't understand.

What I'm about to tell you will happen in our near future, many of you will die but don't worry cos Old Knudsen makes it through. 

The Segarians are that race of aliens that you probably get mixed up with the Greys but they are taller and meaner .... they WILL anal probe you, not for research but for fun. For centuries they have been interfering in the development of humanity, their purpose is of course world domination but due to funding cuts and other worlds being more profitable their actions are usually seen as meddling in the hope for the long game to change in their favour, to destroy and kill to pass the time. 

 Bush Snr invaded Iraq then pulled out early just for the lolz.

With the aid of human hybrids in high places they have manipulated history and the world with hidden bases everywhere. If you don't believe that some in high places are alien hybrids who care nothing for mankind then look at the world today and think about what some world leaders do. 

Hilary Clinton as Secretary of State traveled the world promoting Fracking saying that shale gas could help rewrite global energy politics. Bulgaria, Romania and Poland being her main targets in Europe with Poland promising nearly a third of it's territory to shale gas exploration.... Fracking has to be alien, what human could sell out it's own planet by poisoning it?  Also secretaries type, file and give blowjobs, this is not the normal state of a secretary. 
People walking doon a street looking at their phones .... doesn't seem like normal behaviour does it? It isn't, it's addictive and compulsive behaviour. Soon all movies that depict real life will have people looking down at their phones and mumbling their lines like a distracted Al Pacino. 
A 20 year-old woman recently checked her Facebook without realising that some crazy 89 year-old grandmother was going to pick that time to jump in front of her car to kill herself.  Do people not know how difficult it is to check yer kitty porn on Facebook while doing 85 mph? 

I find it difficult to believe that people can have that much to say.

After improving on human technology and giving everyone a pocket sized computer to utter their inane mutterings into from anywhere at anytime, the Segarians relied on our own addictive personalities.
Already weakened by the norms of society and the poisons that are legally put into our food and water we become slaves to a tiny screen and hooked on what instant updates we get, at the mercy of their space rays of doom, seeping into our brains from phones we willingly bought and can't live without. 

Why haven't they replied, it's been at least 4 minutes? What do you mean they might have something better to do? I HAVE NEEDS DAMN IT!

Then it happened. 

The Internet went doon, you could no longer hide the fact that yer a moron by blaming autocorrect on every stupid thing you wrote. I think I may be getting dick today cos I am so hot! ... sick, I meant sick. Hope I get cock too. 
After the first three hours of constantly checking yer phone the panic started to set in. The sweating and the fidgeting that couldn't be calmed by drugs fegs or glue had people climbing the walls. 

Then people remembered about the aurora borealis and went outside and did something they hadn't done in years, they looked up. 
The light show which had been set up by the Segarians reacted with the years of Segarian conditioning they had been doing via cell phones. The Internet lull only lasted 24 hrs but became known as the 24 hour year, like OMG.

Within days many people fell into vegetative states, Old Knudsen's love life improved 98%. They could not be awakened and died, one third of the world's population died.... so many unanswered texts, what a waste. 

Distraught, the rest of the world took to social media to meme and twat about it, then Apple (a Segarian company) invented the iBox in which you no longer had to look at the real world ever. You could walk doon a virtual street and even get virtually mugged cos you weren't paying attention .... literally in a figurative way. 
Of course within seconds of being stabbed for yer wallet you could easily put it up on Twatter, I think I've lost a least 2 pints of blood, lucky I'm not in Europe as I don't know what that would be in liters :(

The Segarians like to decimate the Earth's population now and again like with a world war followed by a flu outbreak, then followed by another world war. The Middle East is full of Segarian hybrids which is why the West doesn't seem to do enough to stop them.   

Being a psychic time traveling sex offender, is a great burden and those lucky few who read this warning shall now be prepared. I can't say exactly when it will happen as I've said too much, it's like a month before that giant asteroid full of space Ebola hits us and triggers a new ice age. 



Monday, 15 September 2014

Semen Memories

Wha? I'm not gonna keep this smile on all day, just take the picture there's nothing behind me. 

When Old Knudsen wakes up in the morning he goes to the window and greets the dawn in all his naked glory, he also greets the local school kids too but recently there has been a still fog in the morning air. For very valid reasons this sends Old Knudsen into a panic and it isn't just flashbacks to bad 80's music videos. 

Everyone knows that Old Knudsen is a salty semen dog who has caught crabs in more ports than you have brain cells ... aye about five. 

Some years back we'd just out of the roaring forties and hit the Doldrums in the south China sea, from crashing waves to still calm weather in which you get the feeling that anything can happen if you turn yer back or drop yer guard. 
One day just didn't bother to show up, all day was as dark as night with a fog so thick you could reach out and grab a handful to chew on, tasted fishy, thicker than a Haar on the Firth of Forth.

The sun was up there but was giving less light than a full moon, it was a if a dark veil of evil had been placed over our boat. 

The others said that it was Old Knudsen who was the Jonah and that he had to be thrown overboard, it's not his fault that he survives ship wreaks and can even put on weight being stranded in a lifeboat with his tasty shipmates. 

A trick to surviving at sea, do not eat nutritious foods, beer has enough nutrients and so yer poop becomes like cork and you float better at sea, like an internal floatation device. To keep yer strength bring a young stowaway to drain the blood from, they also can be used as a floatation device once they stop struggling.      

An evil far worse than Old Knudsen boarded the Marie Claire that day, the ghosts of sailors past whose souls ended up in the locker of Davy Jones right beside his durty jock strap and socks. To gain their freedom they had to take more souls and me crew were cut doon in front of me.

When my time came the spectre of evil drew his sword, I stood in the corner, me fist raised ready to go out swinging as screaming and running is way too Scooby Doo for Old Knudsen ... he doesn't do running.  
I know a guy who ran every day, he dropped dead in the queue at the bank, I don't do banks either, a stretch in San Quentin cured me of that.  

The salty semen demon stopped in his tracks and said, "shit it's him" .... "It's the great devourer."

It's always good to meet a fan, I am indeed Davy Jones, I used that name when I was in a pop group called the chimps, Hey hey we're the chimps was one of me well known flops. Wake up sleepy Gene was written when I worked on a movie with Gene Hackman who suffered from Narcolepsy ... ah good times.

The demons turned out to be pretty sound blokes and even told me where me locker was as I had misplaced it years ago. 
The only problem was that Demons only work in a dark fog which made it difficult to catch those big fish, or whales as some folk call them. 

 Does anyone have any objections why these two should not be wed? speak up cos I can't see shit.   

I met me 12th wife on that cruise but soon broke up when we reached a sunny port. We just drifted apart .... then there was an unearthly scream and she vanished from my life for good leaving me with the children who I sold on eBay, the usual tale of love gone sour. 


Sunday, 14 September 2014

Get Yer Nips Out

I try to make the first picture of my Sunday posts less fleshy than the rest as it turns up on Facebook and there are still today in the 21st century people ashamed of naked weemen in their news feeds. This is me being considerate, any personal issues are out of my control.

Maybe they are missing the point of Sunday being a day of worship.  

Old Knudsen refuses to put Burkas on these antonymous hotties whose job it is to stand around in fish net tights.

Is it naked children you want to? well ya came to the wrong place you pedo [insert religion here] I only deal in consenting adults ... or at least adults.

Someday social media will not keep the sister doon and will allow female nipples and other fleshy parts to be shown, until then I will have to be content with my unsociable media.
I've only had a blog since 2006, you'd think people would be used to me by now ... those who say they love yer blog but can't remember a thing you've written, you know the type.  

I care naught about yer issues so don't waste my time, I am above all of that, for I am enlightened and evolved so free the nips! 

Friday, 12 September 2014

Kicking ISIL And Taking Names

It looks like an Akira Kurosawa film where a dog walks through a deserted village, you check to see if it's got a severed hand in it's mouth but no.

The heroes in the war against ISIL have been the Kurds in Old Knudsen's less than humble opinion. You have the US and the UK who like to portray themselves as the good guys who at the same time make deals with governments they should be standing against, then you have the Kurds who are small in number and not a very powerful people in comparison to western nations but they always seem to be fighting against evil.

Decades of fighting against Saddam, Al Qaeda and now ISIL, they raced to protect the Yazidi people as much as they could and sure they no doubt shoot the odd unarmed enemy but who doesn't?  They have been the only ones (until US drone strikes) to have any success against ISIL.

People make the incorrect assumption that Old Knudsen would fight the Israelis if he lived in the West bank, no, he would move to the safety of Israel like many others have done, he would fight along side the Kurds if he lived there though as they are not rabid Moosalims into beheading westerns as many Palestinians seem to be.

   Look over there, a man doing something wrong.

Head scarfs worn for religious reasons is as wrong as cutting off part of a babies willy and Old Knudsen is against it, however weemen in uniform .... equality you can wank to. Weemen make up a third of Kurdish fighters and many are still teenagers. Puts yer own teenage years into perspective doesn't it? 

One fighter named Diren says that ISIL like to show themselves as tough guys but when they see a woman with a gun they start to shake ..... aye, no shit lass. She says that one female Kurdish fighter is worth 100 of theirs. 
Considering that the Kurds kick ISIL ass I'd totally believe it. 

An ISIL fighter captured by Iraqi troops shakes and cries.

It's a barren land on the frontline with deserted villages. The only people there are fighters. The Kurds do take prisoners but never foreign prisoners as they are always wearing suicide bomb vests. If foreigners go Jihadi they can expect to be treated as second class Jihadis as some twat from Cardiff is worth nothing compared to a battle hardened vet from Gaza. Since the truce in the West bank there has been an exodus of Palestinian fighters joining ISIS in Syria. 

The west needs to back and equip the Kurds instead of trying to equip and train rebels in Syria. You can't hide fanatical Islamists amongst the Kurds, when was the last time you heard of a 3 year sleeper within the Kurds shooting a US General dead?

You can see by the pictures that these Kurds have US military equipment already but they need more. The Kurds have Old Knudsen's seal of approval.   

Thursday, 11 September 2014

A Free Scotland?

Braveheart, a tale of brave Scottish peasants fighting against English Zionist pigs.  

On the 18th of September the people of Scotland face the choice to become a free and independent cuntry or to stay as slaves to the fascist English .... Since Old Knudsen left his beloved home of Killamory in the Scottish low highlands he doesn't have a vote in this matter. But why would Scotland want it's freedom? 

Well I'll answer this without any bias what so ever, as Fox news say, Fair and Balanced ... aye that's me. 
The evil English have massacred, raped and oppressed the Scottish people for centuries, they have redrawn Scottish boundary lines taking Scottish towns as their own and over recent years taking Scottish fishing and oil drilling areas out to sea. 

On saying that the English have done a lot of good for Scotland don't get me wrong, being a part of the United kingdom they've protected it from any invaders such as Argentina, Germany and North Korea, there wouldn't be a Scotland with it's kilts and bagpipes if the English hadn't made all that shit up. 

Not to mention all the jobs and industry the English have brought to Scotland. If left to it's own devices the Scottish would have had a bloody Eyetie on the throne. Click here if you dare. (Bonnie Prince Charlie)

The troops are revolting.

After the battle of Culloden in 1746 in which the English defeated the Scots and put an end to the Stuart claim to the throne, the wearing of tartan and the playing of pipes were forbidden, much like how the shamrock and wearing green was outlawed in Ireland.

With no work in Scotland and loads of Highlanders milling around looking for trouble, the English kindly let them join the English army and go and die for them. 

Thanks to the English the Scots have been bred to fight and even today 90% of SAS members come from Scotland. 
The first king of the new Scotland?

I hear many people say how they don't like the Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP) but they do want independence. Hitler was a socialist nationalist too, you might as well say well I don't like all of his policies but he wants to make Germany great again so he has my vote. 

This campaign may pretend it's about making Scotland better and more wealthy as that sounds better than small and insignificant right? The Scots do like their money and add some anti-English sentiment and you have a proper campaign. 

The anti-English side is the real motivation for many just as the battle of the Boyne in 1690 is a motivator to hate Catholic Irish in Northern Ireland. 

 Lets slap on the woad and mix up real history with Hollywood history. 

The true history of Scotland is a lot of land and money grabbing cunts who'll back stab and sell you out, with the Scots from the low lands being beaten doon into submission leaving the Highland Scots to do all the fighting but trust no one because it's all very tribal. 
The Scots originally came from Ireland and bred out the mysterious indigenous Picts whose lineage was matrilineal, as in descent is traced through the mother's side then the mighty Vikings destroyed any real power the Picts and the Scots/Irish had together.

William Wallace is seen as a real anti-English symbol thanks to Mel Gibson. Wallace was an educated son of a knight who had great military successes, taking the war to the north of England and repaying English atrocities with some of his own. 'This is the truth I tell you: of all things freedom’s most fine.  Never submit to live, my son,  in the bonds of slavery entwined.’ 

It's funny as Wallace or le Waleis means the Welshman and the Welsh totally bent over for the English. It's thought that he came from Richard Wallace who followed the Stuart line to Scotland in the 12th century.
You can dress up Scottish independence as moving forward but you aren't fooling me, I have a great understanding of the psyche of my people whether it be the Irish, Scottish or English and ancient grievances are a fuel used to divide and separate and that is what is happening today. If we aren't hating foreigners then we're hating ourselves.

Groups like Siol nan Gaidheal, or Seed of the Gaels who call the English people in Scotland “white settlers” and say things like the “Lebensraum of rapacious Anglo-Saxonry” on “colonised” Scots show the campaign's real face. The decent people who call for independence are soft and naive but what can you do?  

There are real victims in this campaign and that will continue on after the result. Unlike the US you can't have a differing political opinion in public here as yer windies will get bricked or yer car beaten up.
A yes vote will be interesting but it will also give nationalist idiots the validation they need to be bigoted against the English who live in Scotland. There has always been hate crimes and sectarianism in Scotland against the English or Catholic and Protestant and this will increase. 

I'd love to see a yes vote as that would piss off the Orangemen but I can't see it happening. The polls maybe in favour of YES right now but none of that matters, it's whether or not people bother to vote on the day. It's next Thursday so hangovers shouldn't be too bad.     

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Old Knudsen Finds God

Do you hear that? ..... aye that was me, good arse, I thought you were dead.

When Old Knudsen was a young and vital sex stallion of a man, no I'm not talking about last week but tell yer Ma to go get tested by the Doctor. 

I was in my traveling phase going from town to town, beating up bad guys, saving the day and snogging the lass. I had me sidekick back then, Ralph the amazing brow wonder, named so because his uni-brow was so thick and luxurious that it controlled the minds and the will of others. No one means to stare but they do and before they know it their mouth is open catching flies and drool is dribbling doon their chin. 

Like a deer in the headlights, someone with no conscience could very easily pick their pockets, take them roughly from behind or sell them to a slave trader as long as the brow was there to amaze. 

So it was back when those people went mysteriously missing in the north of England, me and Ralph had plenty of money so we traveled doon to Yorkshire to confront God on how he could let all those Africans starve in Ethiopia .... is God in Yorkshire?  Well it was nicknamed God's own county and we'd looked everywhere else, me arse was still bleeding from all the prisons we searched. 

The plan was actually to overthrow God as we had made a deal with the Devil. Thanks to Satan I would be able to turn into a gigantic Hell hound and kill him. It was a sound plan. 

We searched the moors of Yorkshire, all the hills and all the fucking dales .... whatever a fucking dale is but no sign of the almighty. Man cannot slay deities on an empty stomach so we hit one of those quaint Yorkshire pubs. 

By quaint I mean old with no money having been invested into it in the past 20 years cos the only people who go there are old stingy farmers who nurse one pint all night unless someone offers to buy them a drink.    
 Get off my land!

Old Knudsen fucking well hates Yorkshire men, even the young ones are old with their self entitled attitudes, flat caps all thinking they know best .... no maybe I do like that, it sounds comforting and familiar, no I hate the sweaters with the built in beer bellies, the smell of dung and the ruddy complexions that have. Why couldn't Hitler have exterminate the farmers? 

The pub was full of regulars with warm moldy pints, 'oh ya can't wonder the moors, you'll get sucked down by a bog or just vanish like that lad did 10 years to this very day.'

After 12 warm pints of ale that tasted like ale does .... like flat homemade beer, it was off to the moors to find God. The full moon shone the way and it was easy to stay on the path as the locals had advised. 

Well it was, until I looked right at Ralph's amazing uni-brow, I couldn't turn away I just walked open mouthed while Ralph talked away thinking I was interested in hearing about his toe fungus collection. 

Knudsen, Knudsen, KNUDSEN! I woke from my daze my puffer jacket drenched in drool. I heard something, it was like a whoosh behind us, said Ralph on the brink of panic. 

Maybe it was a whoosh bird, I said trying to reassure him, aye whoosh birds swoop doon and steal yer eyeballs, happened to this bloke in Devon once, I had to bash his head in with a rock he was making so much noise, you know how Old Knudsen doesn't like screaming .... unless it's yer Ma of course. 

Not even my sage words could calm him, whoosh, from behind us again, then to the side, then the other side, then my backside .... blame yon can of beans I had for that whoosh, my bad but what else do ya eat when camping? 

Then all of a sudden Ralph was grabbed and swiftly dragged into the shadows, he just had time for half a scream. 
For fucks sake, he still had my pen ... never lend pens to people for they are bound to disrespect yer property and try to steal it. Oh I forgot to return yer wallet that you left on the table .... how would you like that?  

Pen thieves need to be whipped, skinned alive and ripped to pieces by hungry hippos.  Time to hero up and get me pen back, Old Knudsen charged right into the shadows, following the trail of blood. Then he saw it.

He gazed upon the face of God. Standing 8 foot tall wearing tracksuit bottoms, trainers and a dark hoodie God stood there over the mangled body of Ralph, not even his uni-brow could save him. 

So we meet at last Lord of the Heavenly host eternal. I did not find you in any of yer homes, I did not find you in prison or on the 700 club as shown on the Christian Broadcasting Network, instead I find you in an arsehole end of England what gives? 

'God does not have to explain himself to a mere fallen angel, fuck off custard fornicator.' 

Old Knudsen chuckled when he heard God speak in the third person, only a nut case does that, he did not however like his sexual preferences being mocked.  Time to change into a Hell hound and take this cunt doon. 


By the power of Greyskull! Old Knudsen started to transform, God stood there curious as to what would happen next as he sucked the marrow out of Ralph's bone. 


After what seemed like 7 minutes and 14 seconds Old Knudsen had transformed into a dread Hell hound of such ferocity that God dropped his guard and just stood there .... long enough for Old Knudsen to pounce. 

It was a battle unlike earth had ever seen. We both hit, bit and shit hard, holy blood and holy shit spraying the air. I had me spine ripped out and me throat slit but I've had worse so I kept clawing at the old deity and knew his heart wasn't in the fight ... no I had ripped that fucker out, he let out an enormous scream, grabbed my pen and vanished to lick his wounds which is why you don't see him around these days, not even in Yorkshire. 

I lay there bleeding but victorious and lost consciousness. 

I awoke in a hospital, they had not expected me to wake up and the pathologist doing the autopsy was really irked that he had to put everything back in .... I don't think he did put everything back in or even in the right place which is why you can only take my pulse on my erect penis .... that's my story and I'm sticking with it. I also burp farts, now that can't be right can it? 

Nurse Price was very attentive during my stay in hospital, when I was fit to leave I didn't have accommodation lined up so she asked if I wanted go stay at her place and fuck in the shower, nurses do that all the time it seems. 

The Devil paid me what we had agreed for the deal .... well sort of, I eventually grew fond of my 12 inch pianist, not quite what I had asked for and why the fuck can he only play The Entertainer? That's some kind of Hellish torment right there.